A Failure's Journey to Success

weigh in

2011-05-26T10:27:00.000-06:00

So, I've changed my weight loss ticker. I've chosen Monday as my 'weigh-in' day because we arrived home on a monday night.

My weight this past Monday, May 23 was 235.2.....down 5.2 pounds from before we went to Zambia.

This past week and a half has been focused on trying to get my body clock back to Alberta time and also on catching up on a few things at home.

Excuses, excuses.

Actually, my eating hasn't been bad - just not deliberate. I focus on planning and making healthy meals - lower in fat, sodium, and carbs.

Speaking of which, Jim is waiting for me to have breakfast together. Don't know what I'll have, but he probably wants hash browns, eggs, and turkey bacon.

Honesty

2011-05-19T11:00:00.000-06:00

I re-read the posts below and I feel the need to be honest about the goals I made for myself while in Zambia.

I did shop and cook for us - and we did NOT eat with the staff and students on the YWAM base more than three times - and two of those times were celebration meals and did not include nshima.   I cooked mostly roasted chicken because that is the healthiest, cheapest meat that was readily available to me.     Cooked vegetables were not as easy.....one bag of carrots tasted terrible and had to be thrown out, many of the vegetables are quite foreign and the ones of those that I've tried do not taste good to me.   The veggies that I do like (marrow, for example) is not readily available.   We did not go to the large grocery stores often - most of the fresh produce (tomatoes) was purchased from roadside 'ntembas' - not a lot of variety there.

I drank more Coke than I should have, I'm sure. Zambians drink LOTS of coke! and Fanta. We attended 3 'parties' while there - all served Soft Drinks as the beverage.   But beyond those times, I also drank Coke on my own once in awhile. What can I say? It is hot. The Coke is cold and fizzy and makes me feel less hot. And it is cheap - which is at least partly why the Zambians drink it so much.

So, my food was not terrible. In fact, it was passable.

Exercise......I did not even pull out the printout of the strength training exercises that I took with me.   We did not go for regular walks, although we did take a few walks.    Probably all told I walked far more than normal.

On our way home from Zambia, we spent one full day in London, England. We planned to walk 2 1/2 kms from Paddington to Buckingham Palace.   We took a wrong turn and wound up walking about 15 kms. Kind of made up for many of the days that we did not get up and go walking.

Maybe.

Of course, the fact that Jim was sick for 2 weeks may have had some impact on our walking plans.

Now to get an exercise routine well established before my Zambian family arrives to live with us in less than a month.

Losses, but not in a recommended way

2011-05-19T10:37:00.001-06:00

Well, we are home.

My husband lost 15 pounds while we were gone. Actually, he lost it in the last 2 weeks, but I would not recommend the path he took.

He got Dystentery - which is far, far worse than food poisoning and lasts much longer.

He was in hospital on IV medication for 4 days and on a most limiting diet for two weeks - rice, yogurt, and bananas.

We saw first hand how someone who has no choice but to eat the same thing day after day will soon just not eat and eventually starve to death. He went from eating a good sized bowl of rice (he loves rice) a couple times a day to eating only about a cup of rice a day - and maybe a cup of yogurt. He said he wasn't hungry, but of course he needed to eat - how can a 6 ft tall 230 lb man NOT be hungry with only 2 cups of food in his stomach in a day?    But the repetition of the same bland food over and over took his appetite and his desire for food completely away.    I was very glad when he was finally able to resume eating a variety of different foods.

Anyway........obviously, dystentery and a bland repetitive diet is not a healthy way to lose weight.

For myself, well, it depends on which day you look at. My weight has been different every day we've been home. (3 days) At the lowest weight, I was down 7.2 lbs.   At the highest, I was still down but only by 4.8 lbs. Today I'm in between.

Bottom line - I did lose some weight.

The last two weeks were probably when I was doing the most losing - visiting my husband in the hospital, caring for him at home, the extra busyness of the last week, the stresses we were facing during those two weeks, the fact that many nights I just didn't cook because I would have been the only one eating......

We returned home from our week in Livingstone and stopped only long enough to pick up milk for the babies and eggs and butter for us. The next day was a very busy day at home (big party on the base) so no grocery shopping. Jim went into hospital that night. No time for shopping all that week.

When I finally did get to the store, as I said, there were not many nights that we all ate and I had gotten used to eating only once during the day.

So, whatever weight I lost was not done in a disciplined manner either.

The challenge this week is to begin to eat with an eye to health and weight loss - even while enjoying the Western food we are accustomed to. (It is different, after all)

More travel Woes Due to Extra Weight

2011-05-01T12:21:00.000-06:00

As I sat pinned into the front seat of Vinjelu's car, I wondered how much weight I would have to lose in order to be strapped in without using the entire length of the belt, resulting in literally choking me. I had NO give in the shoulder strap at all. Even when I moved the seat all the way back, there wasn't enough belt to easily go around my bulk.

When I looked at the photos my husband took of me playing in the pool with the grandkids, I could see why I have this seatbelt problem.

Ugh! Gross.

Although, my husband also made a point of telling me that my bathing suit is very attractive and I look very nice in it - when I am standing up, anyway.

What would I do without my hubby?

Watching my Weight While a Guest in a Foreign Land

2011-04-21T01:29:00.000-06:00

Well, after 4 days in Zambia, let me report on my weight-loss efforts.

First of all, before we even got to the base, we stopped and I bought some groceries - mostly fresh fruit and veggies - and eggs. I could not buy much for a couple reasons....beginning with the fact that 6 people, 6 suitcases, and a car seat in a compact car did not leave much room for groceries and ending with the fact that I was so tired I was in no condition to make rational decisions about food.

So, we returned to a (better) grocery the next day.

Before beginning that shopping experience, we had to eat.

Zambian's LOVE deep fried chicken but Jim and I wanted to avoid those places. (I think one reason they love it is beccause it is very cheap for a full meal) So, we chose a fast food place that flame broils their chicken - and allows substituions for the fries. (Jim had spicy rice and I had a green salad.)

I've been cooking most of our meals and fresh vegetables are abundant and easy to get (walk up the road a few minutes and they are selling them on the side of the road) so mostly our meals so far have been pretty 'good'.

Today, we had our usual 3 eggs (2/3 whites) each for breakfast - along with some grapes and tomatoes.

Later in the morning, we were invited to go for a walk with Vinjelu's cousin, Philip (who lives with them) and the kidlettes.

I just want to interject something about the bread that you buy in the grocery here. (Even the good grocery store) ......... IT SUCKS!!!!   First, it is hard to find anything but white bread. Then, if it isn't mouldy when you get it home, it will be within a day. Third, it is so crumbly you can barely eat it. Kath says "Oh, you have to toast it before you try spread something on it". (No toaster in this house)   So.....this morning when we arrived at the roadside 'Ntemba' and we smelled fresh bread, we were tempted. It's not like either of us has tried to eat alot of bread since we've been here - once for each of us - but I think the thought of such horrid bread being all that is available sent us into the arms of temptation.   One dozen BIG buns (white bread - freshly made) cost about $1.50.   I found out later these are called 'Local Buns' and are the bread the poor buy.   Such a backward place....the poor eat bread that is fresh and tastes good, the rich eat lousy bread.

Before I could pay for the buns, Philip suggested we pick them up 'on our way back'.

"On our way back from where?" I asked

"We will go to Rocky Gardens for a coke" he quietly replied.

OK, I guess we'll pick them up when we come back.

We walked along the side of the road (highway) for at least 2 km - not real fast since Seth was walking with us, but not dawdling, either.

After a short stop at the 'Resort' (see description on my other blog) we started back down the road to the highway along which we would walk.    So, we walked about 4 kms today.   (And so did Seth)

Good thing, too, since those buns were DELICIOUS!!! Especially with a small amount of Miracle Whip and a slice of fresh tomato on top.

So, lunch was not real 'diet friendly'.

Well.....there was still nearly half a day in which to get back on track.

Suppertime....

The students had asked that we eat with them tonight. Tonight the menu was Nshima (white cornmeal) with 'Soup' , beef, and rape.

The 'soup' is fresh veggies cooked down to a sauce in which the beef is cooked.

The beef is what I would call Soup Bones.....not much meat, lots of bone, and too much fat.

Rape is (I think) Canola leaves which is cut up into very narrow strips. I do not know exactly how it is cooked except that there is obviously oil involved. Personally, I do not like it at all - it has a bitter taste to me. But it would have been a good choice because it is, after all, a vegetable and very green.   Rape seems to be the most common vegetable.....when you are at a fast food place that offers 'vegetable' with the meal, it is inevitably Rape.

Let me tell you how to eat with Nshima......you take the hot cornmeal which has been cooked to be very stiff and pinch off a good sized piece with your fingers, roll it in your hand, put an indentation in the center, then use it to scoop up soup and rape (or whatever is on your plate).

No cutlery.

Everyone washes their hands before they eat.

It is actually pretty good, as far as taste is concerned.   I cannot see that it is real healthy.....Although pretty much ALL of Africa literally lives on white cornmeal - they all call it something different, but it is the same thing.   For most of the people, cornmeal is the only food they get most days.

At the YWAM base, it is a staple and is served at most supper meals. It is filling and very cheap.

Not so good for Jim and I - except as a gesture toward the culture here.

At any rate, it was a very high carb day for us.

Good thing we walked 4 km in the morning.

The Perils of Flying Fat

2011-04-19T09:26:00.002-06:00

The Perils of Flying Fat

So we've been in Zambia now for about 2 days. It seems much longer because there is always something going on and believe it or not, there is little time to write on either of my blogs. I haven't even organized our suitcases yet - that is another job for today. But I don't want to let too many days go by without posting.

I have come to the conclusion that fat people should not fly - or they should at least not fly economy class.

Spending 18 hours on an airplane is hard enough when you don't have to deal with an extra 100 pounds.

First thing.......you look at that narrow seat and you wonder if you can even squeeze into it. Then, you worry that the seatbelt will not go around your belly and you will have to go through the humiliation of asking for an extender. Just buckling a seatbelt is difficult anyway - the extra fat on your arms fights with the fat around your belly and forget about trying to actually SEE what you are doing!

So, now you're settled. and you've kicked your purse or you laptop bag under the seat in front of you, knowing that getting it back will be nearly impossible because to get it, you have to bend in half in order to reach the floor (unless you have abnormally long arms) and your belly makes folding yourself in half a fantasy on the level of world peace. But you will deal with that later......you didn't really want to read that book anyway, did you?

So you sit, leaning away from your seat mate as much as possible, and holding your arms across your chest so that you don't rub shoulders (literally) with the person sitting next to you - even if that person is the one you love, you need to have some 'personal space'. You are barely in the air and the cabin crew begins to come around with beverage service. New stress.........will the food tray fit in front of your big belly? You start adjusting yourself and finding out what works BEFORE you are embarrassed in front of the svelte woman serving drinks.

Alright.......you have a food tray and you have something to drink, and you're thinking you should have ordered a double whiskey (a couple times) so you could just pass out and be unaware of the discomforts of flying.

Then the food comes. Oh man, if it wasn't crowded enough already, they set a tray in front of you with at least 3 different containers, a napkin, salt and pepper, a toothpick, and a cup. The space between your body and the food is 1 m.m AND it is in your lap (so to speak), not at table level. There is no room for you to bend forward slightly to eat as the 'normal sized' passengers are doing - if you leaned forward, you would be wearing your food. So, you lift the plate or bowl up to chest height and you spoon your food into your mouth from there, limiting the spillage.

Now you have to sit with the food tray pinning you into your seat for up to 10 minutes or more, waiting for the cabin crew to come back and collect the remnants of your meal.

Even now, you cannot relax because by this time you've been in the air for well over an hour - maybe even more than 2 hours and you MUST get up and move if you don't want your ankles, feet, legs to swell up like tree trunks. If you are smart, you have an aisle seat. If not, you have to ask your seatmate to move so you can get 'out'. This is not easy when you have so much extra bulk.

The aisle is not real easy to navigate for anyone and if you have 'extra padding' on all parts of your body it is nearly impossible to walk any distance down the aisle without having your hips bump into someone's shoulders. *Make a note that if you ever do this again, you'll get a seat beside the toilet so you don't have to go through that again*

The bathroom in an airplane is smaller than a closet - literally. Use your imagination to think about manoeuvring to pull up your skirt or pull down your jeans without falling against the folding door. *Remember 'Tommy Boy' changing in the airplane toilet??? * This is a procedure you will have to repeat often because you need to drink LOTS of water in order to help limit the swelling of your feet/ankles/legs. Oh well, you had to get up and move around anyway - for the same reason.

In between all the struggles to get in and out of your seatbelt and trips to the toilet, you find ways to distract your mind from the discomfort and humiliation. You read (if you remembered to get your book out of your bag before you kicked it under the seat in front of you) or you sleep (if you are very lucky) or you watch movies on the tiny screen in the seat back in front of you.

Air travel can be quite stressful in the best of situations - extra fat makes it about 200 times worse.

7 hours after boarding, you are finally in a room that is not like a tube - the ceiling is far above you and you can put as much space between you and the next person as you wish. You spend 8 hours watching other travellers, trying to sleep on the benches in the airport, and walking around to (every one say it...) limit the swelling of your feet/ankles/legs.

Then you start all over again as you board a craft to take you to your next destination. New plane. Same questions. Will the seat belt fit? Will I be able to pull the food tray down? How close am I to the toilet? Will I be able to sleep? What movies will be available to numb my mind? Should I order those 2 double whiskies this time? Or will the alcohol cause my feet/ankles/legs to swell even more?

12 hours later, you are racing through a different airport, trying to find your gate only to sit and wait for boarding.

This time, your flight will be only 1 1/2 hours long. (Thank God) But your heart sinks when you see that the plane you will be travelling on is miniscule compared to the ones you've squeezed yourself into up to now. You almost groan out loud when you begin to walk down the aisle and you see that these seats are at least 2 inches narrower than the seats on the larger planes. Forget the alcohol.......GOD SAVE ME!!!!!

By the time you've arrived at your final destination and the hugs and welcome from your family ease some of the indignity of air travel, you are contemplating selling your house so you can fly home first class.

I thank God that I am a pretty adaptable person.....these stresses, while very real, can be adapted to.

My husband, on the other hand, found out that he is at least slightly claustrophobic. That could be alleviated by our next trip to Africa if we both lose some weight.

Not a bad extra incentive.

Half Way Through the First Week of the "U-Turn"

2011-04-14T08:38:00.000-06:00

My friend told me that when you get 'off track' on your 'weight loss jouney' to do what the GPS does when you get off route......."Make a U Turn at the first possible opportunity".    Thus, the title of my post.

This week has been crazy.

Besides preparing to leave for a month-long visit to Zambia, we've been dealing with flooding, taxes, and medical issues.

For a photo of the first day of flooding, go to my other blog.

I had promised myself that I was going to do Wii Fit every day this week.    I managed to get 1/2 hour in on Monday.   Tuesday, I got the 'balance board' out, turned on the program, went through the 'body test' and did my first warm up 'game' and we got company.

We NEVER get company, just dropping in on us! But we did on Tuesday.   A very nice surprise, although it meant I did not get my workout in because when they left, we had to hurry off to town to take care of something - I forget what.

Yesterday, we had to leave the house as soon as we got up and we did not return until bed time.

Today - well, we will see.   Winter has returned, complicating the flooding issue.   Jim has gone in to town for a final medical appointment when he returns, he may decide that we need to leave today rather than tomorrow to be sure that we can 'get out'. We do not want the flood or the snow to keep us from getting to the airport on Friday.   If we are not rushing off, I'll be all packed so there will be time to Wii.

Food has been pretty good - Pretty close to 'on plan' for both of us.

Starting Over

2011-04-11T11:32:00.000-06:00

It is with a heavy heart, head hanging down, and a heavy everything that I come back to you.   I've gained 20 lbs back of what I previously lost.   I swore that even if I didn't lose anymore, I'd at least NEVER go back to where I was....yet, here I am.

I could make excuses, but the bottom line is that I quit paying attention to how my food choices were going to affect my overall health and specifically my weight.

I will have to remove the "30 lbs lost" button from my blog. For now.

I may change my weight loss approach in the future, but for now I am going to go back to the eating plan given to me by LA Weight Loss Center. It worked before and is very adaptable to pretty much whatever situation I am in........

.......which brings me to my next point......

On Friday of this week (4 days from now, counting today) my husband and I will be boarding a plane to begin our journey to Lusaka, Zambia where we will be spending a month with our daughter, son-in-law, and grandchildren.   They are missionaries with Youth With a Mission (YWAM) there and we will be living on the YWAM base in our daughter's home.   We will be providing our own groceries so mostly we can choose what we want to eat, but in the interest of community, we will also be eating with the students and staff at least once or twice a week. Those meals will inevitably be based around nshima (white cornmeal).

We hope to be able to go for a walk each morning before the children get up, plus I am taking a short strength training regime with me (one that needs no equipment) so even though I am 'starting over' just before leaving for a holiday, I am planning for some success.

I will not, however, be packing a scale so it will be a month before I am able to see if the numbers correlate to my efforts. (My husband, BTW, is also making an effort to change his eating habits and get closer to a healthy lifestyle.)

So, we will see........

For today, we began the day with an 'off white' omelet cooked with various veggies and some low fat cheese as well as a side of an orange and some nuts for Hubby and some no fat, no sugar yogurt and 'fresh' raspberries for me. (I put quotations around the word fresh because the berries were on the verge of moulding.....I could almost taste it - if you know what I mean). Oh, I also had a high fibre muffin (homemade) which is about 100 calories.   Hubs is avoiding all carbs and sugars - I may switch to that when we come home, but I don't see that being feasible in Zambia and I am trying to set myself up for success. (He isn't quite as susceptible to a feeling of failure and giving up as I am.)

And, now that he is off his business call out in the living room, I am going to go do my Wii Fit routine. I can get at least 4 days in before we leave - and I know that even one day makes me feel so much stronger!

Giveaway Winners

2010-05-27T21:37:00.003-06:00

The three lucky winners of the book reviewed below are:

Arlene

TnT

Hollie

Hope y'all get lots of good info and inspiration out of it!

Email me your addresses so I can get your copy into the mail!

GIVEAWAY....Book Review

2010-05-19T07:49:00.001-06:00

"FAT to Skinny, Fast and Easy" by Doug Varrieur

To be honest, the title of this book kind of turns me off.....I've had it with empty promises of 'fast and easy' and 'no exercise' (which is included in the subtitle). It sounds like a K Tel commercial (does that date me, or what?). In fact, the book LOOKS like a K Tel product.....bright yellow with red lettering. Plus, you can't convince me that healthy, sustainable weight loss is either fast OR easy.

BUT....you can't judge a book by its cover, right?

In this case, no you can't.

The author begins with his personal story as 'the fat kid' through to his 'first success' (a drop from a 40" waist to a 32" waist because 'something became more important than food'). A change in his job and location, and soon he was fat again, in fact, even bigger than ever. He managed to lose 30 pounds but could never get below that weight. He came to accept that he would always be overweight.

Then his 71 year old mother came to visit. He was surprised to see that she had lost 40 lbs since he had last seen her, 6 months prior. Her secret? SUGAR CONROL.

This began Mr. Varrieur's research into the way our bodies use sugar. The result was that at about 45 years old, he lost 100 lbs and has kept it off for 5 years.

Pretty good credentials.

In the epilogue, the author states his desire to write a book that could be easily understood by even children - he wants to give people knowledge that can set them free. I think he has succeeded. In my humble opinion, a student in grade 6 could easily read and understand the basic principles which are addressed. The book educates the reader on basic human metabolism, sugars, carbs, proteins, fat storage, and which foods are 'hiding' sugar, which turns to fat.

The book is printed in large, bold type....which, although it matches the cover for 'tackiness', makes a format that results in a quick read.

According to Doug Varrieur, the basic key to going from Fat to Skinny, fast and easy is this...."Cut off the sugar and you'll cut off the fat".

But how do you get rid of sugar?

Well, he says, the first thing is to understand that all food containing carbohydrates turn into sugar. Again, he simply and logically explains insulin reaction, the carb to sugar to fat process, 'fuels' burned by your body, and the consequences of too much sugar.

Obviously, Mr. Varrieur lost 100 pounds by eating LOW CARB, higher protein. This lifestyle/eating plan worked for him.....and for many others. It also made a certain Dr. Atkins a household name. Mr. Varrieur's 'argument' for this lifestyle is well made and full of common sense.

Included in the book are lists of foods that are low in carbs - including specific brands...AND he has included the websites of these low carb brands so you can order your own supply rather than hunt for obscure brands at the grocery.

Also addressed is the 'Aspertame Question'. Rather than make a case for or against, he offers his own experience PLUS includes several websites of information on both sides of the issue so you can decide for yourself.

The book ends with 73 pages of low carb recipies which not only look delicious, but contain information and substitution ideas that would be helpful for anyone looking to decrease their calorie intake and increase their level of nutrition.

Whether you choose to adopt the low carb lifestyle or not, this book contains lots of good, scientific information presented logically and simply as well as the many good recipes.

I have three books to give away.

Leave a comment by May 26 (next Wednesday) if you want a copy. If there are more than 3 comments, I will make a drawing to determine the lucky winners. Please be sure your blog link or email is included in your comment so I can contact you if you win.

Thanks to Megan P at Sterling Publishers for sending me this book to review and offer to give away.

Week 2 (Second Time Around) Weigh In

2010-05-01T11:54:00.001-06:00

Well, this week's weigh in has a better report. DOWN 2.5 pounds....even though I was all over the scale in the intervening 7 days, it is Friday that counts.

I kind of cratered yesterday, though.

It was an emotional day......issues with my adult children.....and at first I had NO appetite at all - felt like throwing up, actually so no problem keeping out of the food. BUT after supper there was another little issue with a different 'child' and I drowned my frustration with chocolate. Not that I have enough chocolate in the house to drown my sorrows, but I went to town and while I was at the grocery store, I bought the 'anti-depressant'. It was a big bar, too. BUT I did not eat all of it.....only 2/3's of it for a total of 360 calories. I bought and ate the chocolate fully aware of what I was doing - it was not mindless or out of control bingeing......I decided to eat it.

And, for the record....I did feel a better afterward. Dark chocolate, after all, is a natural seratonin booster - as long as you don't let the morning's weight gain make you depressed again.

I just realized I haven't weighed yet so I don't know how much damage that did overnight. Hang on......

.....UP .8

A day of clean eating will take care of that.

My daughter and SIL and 2 grandbabies have moved into my (small) house. Hubby and I moved into our 5th wheel trailer so the kids have our bedroom and the office. Since they are moving to Zambia for an extended time (as in...years) in 6 weeks, we are happy to have them so close for these last weeks. Kathryn and Vinj have decided they are going to go into town to the gym at least 3 mornings a week and I am going with them. That's what they tell me. That is, if we can find a sitter for those mornings. If there is no sitter, probably just Kathryn and I will go.

So, it seems I may begin on a workout routine finally. I'm not promising to keep it up after they leave, but let's see if the plans that have been made so far actually are followed up on.

Weighing in.

2010-04-24T13:42:00.003-06:00

I've chosen Fridays as my Weigh-In day....so here is my report for the past week.

Between Friday last and yesterday, I GAINED .4 pounds, bringing me to 223.7. Getting serious has not resulted in big changes on the scale this time.

However......I determined to be even more careful yesterday.

I did real well until my sick husband asked me to make him a chocolate cake. I licked the spoon, which wasn't real serious.....but then I made the icing. I make great icing and of course I had to taste it as I went along to see when to stop adding icing sugar. By then, I'd opened the door to the sugar monster. I had several more 'tastes' of the icing while the cake was baking - but I shoved it aside and put it out of my mind while I began to make supper.

After supper I cut Jim a big piece of cake, added some ice cream, and then cut myself a small (less than 1 inch square) piece with half a scoop of ice cream. Oh, it was good! And it was enough. For then.

Vinjelu and Kathryn came out after supper to bring some of their things prior to moving in here next week. They were also leaving Seth here since I am babysitting him today while his parents are at a marriage seminar.

Seth, however, wasn't too happy about being left behind and I resorted to bribery to get him to stop crying for his mommy and daddy. What did I bribe him with?

You got it....Cake. (Well, he was actually ASKING for cake since his daddy went home with a piece)

Of course, he didn't eat every bite, so I finished it off for him.

Later, when Seth was asleep and Jim came out to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal, I ate some of the leftover supper (hamburger and vegetables with Thai flavorings) - just a few bites, but it was beyond my 'plan'.

I went to bed, sure that the scale would be up in the morning after all my licks, tastes, and picking.

I was wrong.

I am DOWN 1.5 lbs this morning! The scale said 222.2.

Of course, the only numbers that REALLY count are the ones on Fridays.

But that doesn't stop me from being encouraged TODAY!

I will be leaving in less than an hour to go babysit my other 2 year old grandson and his 6 month old sister in the city. At this point, my plan is to take Seth with me (also 2 years old). Since Jim is quite sick, I will be the sole 'sitter for two 2 year olds and a nursing baby.

Should be fun.

Part of the Journey

2010-04-22T11:03:00.001-06:00

As I read back over the posts I've written to document this journey I am on, I am excited to discover something......

Even though I have gained back some of those hard-fought-for lost pounds, I AM different.

I've just been reading the post I wrote about "Learning to Live" in Sept. 08. In this post, I document the 'mindset' differences I was experiencing on THIS journey as compared to the thousands of other false starts I had made throughout my life.

I realized something very positive.......my mindset is, at this moment, still different. Let me show you:

Other ten thousand times....."Here I go again, trying to lose weight. I failed in my last attempt, but if at first you don't succeed, try, try again...and again...and again."

This time......"This has been a setback, yes, but it is all part of the SAME journey. I did not expect the road to be without twists and turns, hills, potholes, and even sinkholes and detours. This is life. A little detour has not thrown me off course....I'm still headed toward the same destination. I've never gotten off the path, really. I'll get there sooner or later and I can enjoy the scenery along the way. It is not a race, it is a journey. I always enjoy the 'scenic' route better than the interstate, anyway."

I recognize that I am wiser than I was when I began more than 2 years ago....even if I'm not a whole lot smaller.

This is more of a victory for me than you might think. To realize I am not 'starting again' but am 'continuing on'. To realize that stalling out and even backtracking is all part of the journey.

I will be offering a giveaway in the next week or so......a book that I am reviewing. Watch for it.

Picking Myself Up.....Again

2010-04-21T13:03:00.002-06:00

I'm still hanging in here......

Actually, I've become serious again.

I had to.

The scales do not lie....even when I can still lie to myself.

I was feeling fat(ter). I thought my jeans were feeling tight. I felt like nothing fit right.

I could not see any beauty in myself again.

BUT....I told myself I was just 'feeling' like this.....I was beating myself up.....going back to my old habits of hating myself.

Nope.

I really was fatter. My jeans really are tight. My clothes really don't fit as well.

The scales confirmed all my feelings of being fat again.

As I've stated before, the numbers went up to 225 point something.

That is a setback of TWO years! Not that I accomplished much in this past year, except maintaining.

Time to quit fooling around.

Time to be serious.

So.....As of April 9, I've been recording my weight, and writing down everything I'm eating and drinking. In short, I'm back on my 'plan'.

I'm not saying I've been completely faithful to the plan, but at least I can see where I am straying because I'm writing everything down!!!!

April 9 was a Friday. I weighed in at 222.6. The next Friday, I weighed 222.3 a loss of .3.

Today, I am at 222.6 again....but that is after going up to 225.3 on Sunday and coming down steadily since then.

I am a little scared.....not confident at all about myself and the 'success' of my efforts.

I learned something since Dec 2007........most of the ability to change your eating/activity habits have to do with changing the way you THINK.....largely the way you think about yourself. At least, that is what I found was true with me.

Go back to the beginning of this post.

I said I could not see any beauty in myself again. I was falling into my old habits of hating myself.

THIS is my biggest enemy.

Not chocolate. Not portion sizes. Not nachos and cheese.

The way I see myself.

When I get overwhelmed with responsibilites, emotion, unfinished work.....all of the above......I stall. I tend to do nothing, resulting in a bigger feeling of being overwhelmed which makes me feel like a big fat failure because I cannot get anything done.

It is a destructive cycle. And when I am stuck in it, I not only do not get anything done, I do not take care of myself because I am such a 'failure'........

And what do I do when I am in this cycle? I wear the same thing every day because I do not want to feel uncomfortable. And because I want comfort, I probably wear clothes that are on the baggy side and are not flattering. This makes me feel unattractive which leads me to neglect my hair and make up which makes me feel even more unattractive. Then I start to soothe myself with 'treats'.......or worse, I mindlessly eat.

This cylce is part of the reason I've allowed myself to gain back nearly twenty pounds from my lowest weight. Actually, to be fair......the cycle is mostly to blame for the last 10 pounds which has been gained over the last couple months. My lowest weight was a one day occurance so it isn't really fair to me to count it, considering I weigh daily and my weight fluctuates. So.....take 3 pounds off what I've gained.

I am determined to ignore the voices that tell me how I am not getting anything done.....I am a failure.....I am ugly...................

NOT LISTENING!!!!!

I will just focus on one thing at at time.

PLUS my eating.

One of the things I am doing is going back over my posts on this blog. I want to recapture the truths that I learned.....the victories I achieved and recorded......I want to learn from myself and be inspired.

I've also been reading some journal entries and I realize something.

I need to write about what I am thinking, going through, feeling. This is how I process.

I've neglected that part of me in favor of .....what? I'm not sure.

So....another overhaul of my life.

The positive things are this......

I am still 30 pounds less than when I first began this journey.
My home is free of unhealthy snacks (at least, for the most part) and full of healthy, real food.
My closets and cupboards are clean and organized
my basement is (almost) cleaned......it has gone from being literally stuffed with junk to being organized and clean......only a few more things to be reorganized once there are more shelves built (my son has been building the shelving but he was gone for a month)
My taxes are still up to date (although I have only a week or so to file on time for this year)
My tastes have changed.....I no longer crave red meat but rather prefer chicken (I thought this would never happen when I started)
I have proven to myself that I CAN take control! I do not have to be overwhelmed.

ONE of the things will be to participate more regularly in this community. I hope to be making friends with those of you who have stopped by this blog to which I have been unfaithful. I know you will be part of my continued success.

In Which I Try to Get Out of Starting Again, Seriously

2010-03-27T11:21:00.001-06:00

I have a few things to talk about so I am interrupting the '10 Essentials' series to just talk.

Besides, the material I use to begin those posts is packed far into my trailer.

First of all, about 4 days ago the scale read 217.

The next day it read 225.4!!!!!

I was shocked and afraid.

To begin with, how do you gain that much weight in ONE day? I went back over my food and drink intake over the past few days and could not think of what would have cause such a spike. I hadn't taken my blood pressure pills for 2 days so I thought maybe that was it....water retention. I HOPED that was it.

Well, I now HAD my pills so I took one, hoping it would bring the numbers down by the next morning.

I also was a less 'casual' about what I was eating.

The next day....224 point something. OK, it wasn't a spike, it was a real gain.

So, in the midst of everything else that was/is going on, I started to slightly adjust what I was eating.

Result.....this morning I am back down to 217.4. *heavy sigh of relief* (no pun intended)

At least I am back to where I was a couple weeks ago, if not back to my lowest weight. A downward trend, though.....that's what I was looking for. At the very least, I wanted to STOP the upward trend. (I swore that I would never regain what I had lost....although I was willing to concede that a 10 pound gain at times was realistic, I was NOT willing to gain more than that!)

I have been thinking that I would get real serious when things settle down a bit in my life but I don't know if that will ever happen so I may have to get real disciplined in the midst of upheaval. Well, this is not really an option.....I WILL have to get serious in spite of everything.

Last weekend Jim and I left home to go work in North Dakota. I know, I've been saying it would be Louisiana, but when a different offer presented itself for the US branch of the company he already contracts to AND it is only a day's drive away from home, we changed direction.

Sunday we arrived at the border. To make a long story short, Jim's visa application was denied and we were escorted back to Canada. (If you are interested in the entire story, you can read it here) Jim's would-be employers have been exploring other options and it was 'we'll let you know on Monday' then Thursday and now we are waiting on a phone call being made on Monday again. All this means we have been living in limbo.....not sure if we are staying or going. Since most of our clothing is packed in the very back of the trailer, nearly impossible to get to, we have been living with the clothes on our backs or the older items that we were leaving behind. All the papers and office equipment is also packed away in the trailer - obviously, not my computer....I had that in my car with me. All this means we have been living in 'limbo'....not wanting to start any projects or unpack our trailer just in case we need to leave again. If we do leave again, it will be on VERY short notice...possibly within an hour or two of 'the phone call' so the less we have to re-pack, the better.

So, that is the short version of that story.

If you read the post on my other blog, you will see that I was experiencing an odd pain just behind my left armpit while waiting at the border crossing. We spent a couple hours in the emergency room at the nearest hospital - making sure I was not having a heart attack or something.

The doctor who looked younger than my own 24 year old daughter was oh-so-polite when she listed my risk factors.....age, high blood pressure, and (my new favorite term) my BMI is elevated. I had a hard time not giggling when she said this. It was as if she was going to say something else but changed the wording at the last second. Must be the new PC term for FAT. LOL

Next time someone wants to mention your weight you can say "I'm not fat/overweight.....my BMI is elevated". HaHaHa So polite.

And to set your mind at rest, the ECG was A-OK. The pain was due to muscle strain (I had been cleaning my basement for 3 weeks and then spent 3 days packing my trailer).

All this has been to say that I am living in a state of unknown - you'd think I'd be used to it by now.....it has happened often enough in our lives. I feel like I cannot make any new decisions about my eating plan and I cannot begin an exercise program because I am in the midst of change.

The problem is.....with a close family of 5 children and a husband whose career is in a boom/bust industry, SOMEONE is almost always in the midst of change and it always affects me in one way or another. So it would be ludicrous to wait for a time when things settle down because things never settle for more than a few weeks at a time, it seems. In fact, back in Dec 07 when I first began to make real life changes, I hesitated beginning the program at that time since I would be flying back home for Christmas in only 3 weeks and would be staying at home for 6 weeks before coming back to Louisiana and the support system for the plan I was on (LA Weight Loss). The counsellor at the weight loss center and my husband convinced me that I should at least give it a start - even if I wasn't completely successful at implementing change during this time, I would be that much closer. I surprised myself by actually sticking to my plan very closely and by losing weight throughout that time. The weeks I was home after Christmas were busy attending new moms.....two of my grandsons were born in those weeks - 24 hours apart, actually - in different cities. Their impending births were the reason I was staying home while my hubby went back to work. It was a wonderful experience, but very difficult to stay on plan while running back and forth between the two cities and my own home. I did it then. I could do it now.

The question is.....do I go back to the same plan or do I try something different?

This question always seems to hold me back.....I am a very indecisive person.

Forget the question. Go back to the same plan. It worked. I do not have to learn something new. I just have to pull out my food scale, food journal, and probably review portion sizes, etc.

Darn. All that is packed.

Well, it is not as if I am unaware of what I should/should not be eating.....or even portions, really. I KNOW the plan. I've written it out enough times in my food journals.

Guess there is no real excuse.

Tomorrow......the scale should say less than 217.4

Coming to the end now.....Essential # 9

2010-03-11T07:02:00.001-07:00

A quick recap of the previous 8 essentials to feeling your best every day.....

1. Breathe deeply

2. Drink Water

3. Sleep Peacefully

4. Eat Nutritiously

5. Enjoy Activity

6. Give and Recieve Love

7. Be forgiving

8. Practice Gratitude

And the Ninth Essential......

DEVELOP ACCEPTANCE

"When you develop the ability to identify and accept the circumstances in your life you cannot change, yet strive to make positive changes whenever and wherever you can, you will discover lasting peace and hope."

I think much of the truth of this point is related to #8.....or maybe it is a result of practicing gratitude.

In relation to weight loss, we have to first identify what we cannot change...... In my case, I am short, therefore I will never be able to 'hide' a few extra pounds. I will probably always have to work a little harder than a taller woman to keep from looking overweight. I must accept this - I cannot grow a few inches upward. BUT I do not have to be fat! I CAN change that.

More importantly, as I have discovered, is to accept ME, the way I am - extra pounds and all.

In all my diet and gain lifestyle, hating myself because I was not thin enough or could not keep off the weight I would lose, I just kept struggling.

It took a long time, but over a number of years - and with the help of my hubby - I slowly came to an acceptance of who I am and learned that it had nothing to do with what I looked like. ( At almost 50 years old, it was about time, I'd say.) Oh, I still hated the fat and what it did to me, but I no longer hated ME and no longer beat myself up for all the mistakes I had made over the years.....beginning with never liking the way I looked - even when I only had 25 lbs to lose.

I am convinced that I would never have been able to make lasting changes without this acceptance of who I am right now and what brought me to this place - mistakes and all. I am not talking about making excuses for yourself, just accepting that you did what you did.....NOW it is time to stop doing that and to begin doing something different so you get different results.

I know that I am not exactly a poster girl for weight loss - the lowest weight I have recorded since beginning this journey was down 48 pounds. THAT is a wonderful feeling! I have since gained about 10 pounds of that back.....over 13 months. Thirteen stressful months.

In spite of that, I do not feel out of control.

I do not feel defeated.

I know that a few small changes to my lifestyle will start me on a downward trend again.

I have accepted that I stopped being as careful about my food intake, that I stopped counting how much water I was (not) drinking, that I had not implemented an exercise program into my life, and that I got lazy about recording my food each day. That is what I did. There were reasons.....other things that began to take priority (whether they should have or not).

That is life.

BUT I do notice there are differences in me today from the me of 2 years ago.....I do not reach for the same kinds of foods. I am not easily tempted at the grocery store by the sweet stuff. I drink more water and eat more vegetables. I cook differently....more real food, almost no processed food. I eat more regularly and less at one sitting. Obviously, since I've gained weight, I'm eating more than I should...but there HAVE been lasting changes.

Here is something else I need to accept about myself......I am not naturally a disciplined person - I tend to 'go with the flow' a little too easily. There are positive things about that quality as well as negative. The fact does not make me a bad person, it just means I have to focus a little more on schedules and plans. I know people who never have to look at a clock....they always know exactly what time it is and what needs to be done at that hour. They are never late, never let a phone call or an email distract them from getting into their vehicle and making an appointment. Me? I need to have a clock in every room of the house - plus one on my wrist - AND I need to be constantly looking at the clocks or I am totally unaware of the passage of time. Like I said, there are positive aspects to this part of who I am, but it does not help in the 'stick to the plan' part of my life.

Once I have some momentum, I can implement a plan real well - it is the getting started (or re-started) that is hard for me....the stage that requires discipline.

Do I beat myself up about this?

Not if I want to ever succeed.

Not if I want to live in peace with myself.

I accept the fact and then DO WHAT I CAN to work around those facts or, in some cases, even change the facts. Some things are not written in stone.

My husband has taught me a little sentence that has helped me through many situations where I would tend to bemoan the facts.....or kick myself for a wrong decision.....and just sit in the same place, feeling bad about either myself or a situation.....

"It is what it is"

That is the only starting point. If you cannot accept that 'it is what it is' you will never be able to go forward.

You will never be able to identify what can and what cannot be changed.

You will never be able to begin to change those things that are changeable.

Accept yourself for who you are....inside, first of all.

Accept yourself for what you look like....and the reasons you have gotten to this point.

Accept your shortcomings.

Embrace your good points. (Sit down and make a list of those)

Accept your life situation.

It is what it is.

NOW....sit down and decide what CAN be changed with a little effort. (Or, maybe a lot of effort)

Make a plan to bring about those changes.

Everyday, strive to implement the plan.

NOTICE the positive changes you are making.

Essential #8

2010-03-04T08:04:00.002-07:00

Good morning, all!

My hubby is working close to home for a few days, so I was up early this morning to get his breakfast and fix his lunch. As I walked down the hall toward the kitchen, I noticed something extra on the hall table.

I turned on the light and found a long, cylindrical package laying at the edge of the table with a note behind it......"I love you, Mom....your baby"

I smiled at the thoughtfulness of my almost 21 year old baby as I unwrapped a lovely white rose.

What a nice way to start the day!

Almost as wonderful.......he had taken care of the garbage when he got home at nearly midnight.

Let me explain....

I've been cleaning the basement. Did I mention that in the last post? This has been a huge job, resulting in piles of garbage. We have a large garbage bin (the type you see behind restaurants, etc) and normally I call in for pickup every 6 weeks or so. Well, I filled the bin and called to be on the list for the next two pickups. Problem is - they only come around every 2 weeks. So, last week, after they emptied the bin, Daniel took the garbage I had piled up in the basement and filled the bin again. The garbage truck was probably not too far away and the bin was already overflowing again. I pointed out to Dan that we needed to be able to put the household garbage in the bin so he'd have to take some of the 'other' garbage out. (the household garbage, naturally, needs to be out of reach of the dogs and coyotes and skunks and foxes and whatever other animal is attracted by it) The basement garbage would be of no interest to any but mice - and they wouldn't spread it around the yard. Dan said he would take care of it.

As of yesterday, I do not know what he had done, but the bin was full to the top. I emptied the garbage in the kitchen and then cleaned my fridge - resulting in another bag of garbage. I am too short to reach into the bin and pull out some cardboard or a box or whatever needed to come out in order to put the kitchen garbage IN, so I left Dan a note asking him to take care of it when he got home. (We were in bed and asleep LONG before Daniel got home)

My point is this......I got up early and was blessed by not only my son having done a distasteful job in the dark (our yardlight doesn't work) but by a token of his thoughtfulness and love.

I am a lucky girl......

Which brings me to Essential Number 8.....

PRACTICE GRATITUDE

"Sincere gratitude will lift and inspire you. Recognizing and appreciating all you have empowers you to find and express true joy."

There is Biblical truth to this statement. The Bible instructs us to "Thank God, no matter what happens" . There is always something to be thankful for.

One of the things that I have done in my life to cultivate appreciation and thankfulness for the 'little things' in my life is to make note of something each day that blessed me in some way - it could be something someone said or did - or it could be the way the sun made the frost on the trees glitter - or I could have purposely appreciated some everyday item such as my dryer....or clean water to drink....or fresh food to eat.

I was working on this habit when I found a 'meme' in blogdom.....hosted by Living to Tell the Story, a group of people regularly participate each Friday by listing 5 of their favorite things from the past week. I, myself, participate in this each week on my other blog....Musings from Me I suggest you consider making yourself notice the little things and appreciate them. If you know God, thank Him for these blessings in your life. If you do not recognise Him, then at least recognise the beauty and the lovliness in your life. Either way, some weeks it is hard to find five things to be thankful for. Some weeks it seems impossible and I have been tempted more than once to just not participate. But you know what? When I sit down and make my mind think along the lines of gratitude, I always find at least 5 things - often more - and suddenly, the 'tough week' doesn't seem so bad.

When you have made a habit of gratitude, it is easier to face the difficult things with thanksgiving.

In my own life, I am facing many challenges just now - it would be easy to wallow in the negative aspects of all the changes because they are easy to see. But having been practicing to find the blessings in life, I have easily found te things to be grateful for in my challenges......

1. My daughter, SIL, and 2 grandchildren are moving to Zambia in 3 months. They will be gone indeffinately and I do not know when we will be able to be together again for a visit. This fact breaks my heart because I have a close friendship with my daughter AND my SIL and am bonded quite closely to little Seth and Taliah. Since I cannot change their plans, I CAN be thankful that I am not putting them on a train to travel to the coast to board a ship that will take them on a weeks or even months long ocean journey to the coast of Africa then have to journey by cart or foot to the landlocked country of Zambia. This is what parents of missionaries a couple generations ago faced. Months, even years, without communication from their loved one. So.....I am SO thankful they will be flying - and will be able to communicate with me at different points on their journey. I am thankful for SKYPE through which we will be able to communicate 'face to face' with the babies (if I have to pay for it myself, they will have internet at their home). I am thankful we can chat, email, telephone, almost whenever we want to (Since they've been there before, I know what to expect). I am thankful they have been saving their money and sending it to the YWAM base to have a house built....they will have their own home by the time they get there. They may not have a bed, but they will have a house. I am also thankful for their hearts desire to live with the poor and teach them how to make their lives better. Even though that desire takes them away from me, I am thankful for it - because it is what makes them who they are.

2. There looks to be little work for my husband after this next week or so - until at least fall. He also was home for more than 2 weeks in the middle of the season where we make most of our income for the year. This is a pretty shaky position to be in......BUT there is something to be thankful for here, as well. The 2 weeks he was off? Those 2 weeks were utilized by head office to make personnel cuts. SIX people from Jim's department were let go. He wasn't. VERY thankful for that. I am thankful that his immediate supervisor is an honest guy who has known Jim for more than 20 years and is willing to 'tell it like it is'. He doesn't make promises he cannot keep.

I'm also very thankful that Jim has a job to go to while the industry is depressed here at home - he has been asked to return to the company he worked for in Louisiana during the winter of 07/08. Providing the person at the boarder grants him a visa allowing him to temporarily work in the US, we will be 'moving' to LA for at least a few months.

There is much that I do not like about this plan - primarily that we will be away for most of the little bit of time we have left with our daughter, etc. But also, we do not like being so far away from any of our kids/grandkids. That is a big deal to us. Then there is the hassle and expense of maintaining two households from a long distance away. Also, I am afraid of the tornadoes NW LA gets in large numbers (to me) and of the poisonous spiders I need to be on the lookout for. Then there is the weather......The winter was lovely, but to hear the natives talk, they absolutely HATE summer weather. For a girl from Alberta where the humidity is normally very low and the temperatures in the summer do not ever reach 3 digits, the thought of over 100 degrees F with 100% humidity is a little daunting.

BUT there is much to be thankful for here, as well......beginning with the opportunity. It is not an 'overseas' job where my hubby would have to go by himself and work in an area that is hostile to our western culture. I get to be with him. This is the biggest blessing of this arrangement - we have a 'normal' life in that my husband comes home at night for supper every night. That alone, makes eveything worth while. Another blessing is that I end up with lots more 'creative time' since there are little demands on me and I do not have to include 1 hour travel time in any shopping exercise. I am also thankful that we will be returning to the same area.....we are familiar with the area and fell in love with the people and the culture of NW LA. We didn't make alot of friends, but there are at least 2 ladies that will be happy to see me. AND we'll get a chance to see the things we 'meant to' see but ended up leaving before we got to them.

These are just 2 of the major events going on in my life just now.....and the things I've found to be grateful for in the midst of them.

Truly, cultivating a habit of gratitude....of noticing your blessings....of stopping to enjoy the color of a flower or the sparkle of frost.....brings joy to your life - even in the midst of difficulties. Most especially, if you know to thank GOD for the good things in your life, your burdens will be lighter.

Try it, you'll be surprised at how many blessings are in even a difficult situation.

I recommend joining in with the Friday's Favorite Five exercise at Living to Tell the Story.

No real change in my weight this past week.....well, actually, I was down 2 pounds for 3 days but today I'm back up to the 217 mark. Could be a one day spike, could be an actual gain. Either way, it won't stay there long!

Update on Me and the 7th Essential

2010-02-24T10:48:00.002-07:00

I have not been very faithful to posting on this blog. A lot has been happening in my life of late.

If you are one of those who also read my other blog, you will be aware of these things.

First, we are facing a summer and fall of no work for my hubby. He works in the Oil and Gas industry and the company he is contracted to is in a position to lose much money this year. As a result, they are not doing any new work. Well, they haven't done any new work for nearly a year. Jim's been working on abandoning and maintaining existing wells. This work is beginning to peter out as well. We've been told we can expect no more than 3 - 5 days a month until October, then for 3 months there will be work and in January 2011 things will shut down again. In the midst of this, he recieved a call from the company he worked for in Louisanna during the winter of 07/08. They want him back.

This, of course, is good news.

We feel that we are to go ahead and make preparations to take that job but we have not made a firm decision.

IF the officers at the boarder grant him his temporary work visa, living in Louisianna is not our first choice. Not that we have anything against Louisianna (except the weather in the summer) but it is SO FAR away from our family. On the other hand, we loved our time there and loved the culture and people as well. But it is not our home and our family is here.

Most of our family, anyway. That is something else that is happening......my daughter and her husband will be leaving for Zambia on June 15, taking 2 of my grandchildren with them. I do not know how long they will be gone, but it will months - if not a year - before we see them again. If we take the job in LA, we would be leaving about March 15, taking much of the precious time we have left with them here at home.

Whether we leave or not, there is much to do to get ready...besides the visa preparations. Our trailer needs some work on the brakes before we pull it across the continent...the furnace/air conditioner needs repair....and it will need to be 'packed' with our clothing and the things we use on a daily basis - including materials for me to engage in hobbies to keep me busy while Jim is at work. I will need to work out a system with someone here at home for keeping the bills paid here in Canada.....At least we've done this before, but I think the system could be much better - still need to think on that one. I have an ongoing list of things that need to be put back into the trailer and things that we would want to have with us.....once we are there, we will be traveling back and forth by plane, so whatever we take now is what we will have. Since I'll be driving my car down, and Jim will be driving his truck and pulling the trailer, I need to have new tires put on my car and make sure all maintanence work on both vehicles is up to date for the long trek.

There is a big weekend farewell campout/party for Vinjelu and Kathryn scheduled to be held at our place on the long weekend in May. We will have to be here for that, of course. Vinj and Kath will take care of most of those details, fortunately.

My basement has been STUFFED full of 'stuff' and boxes and bins to the point that it is completely unusable. I made a goal to have it purged and cleaned before the party so that if the weather is not nice, there is a place for the various children to play.

Now, with our departure date coming before that time, I've been working frantically to have it completed before we (possibly) leave.

You might wonder why we would NOT take a confirmed job offer when there is no work in our own province....well, you have to understand one principle.....nothing is ever for sure in the oil patch - except that nothing is ever for sure. We do not want to go to the extra expense and all the hassle of maintaining two households thousands of miles apart and in two different countries and then find that we could have worked at home.....this is something Jim has to weigh. Fortunately, he is a man who knows how to hear from God. And God, our Father, knows the end from the beginning. He will direct us.

All this to say that my days have been full.....mostly working in the basement.....for the past few weeks. I am hoping to have all the boxes purged by this weekend then have my kids come over and go through the stacks of things in my 'give away' piles before packing them up for me to take to GoodWill. I'm sure there will also need to be a trip to the dump since our garbage pickup only comes by every 2 weeks. They were just here today and emptied my bin but I have enough garbage stacked to almost fill it again already. Normally, with just household garbage, we only need pickup every 6 weeks or so.

Also, I just realized that Kathryn has a trip to BC planned for next week to visit her good friends there. That means that 5 of the few days I have left to spend with her she will be gone....so, I am going to take a few hours each day to go visit her - meaning I'll have to work later into the evening in order to meet my goals. (She planned this trip before news of our possible departure)

Can you tell that I dread having my kids living on the other side of the world? I do, although I am settled in my heart that this is what they are called to do right now. They will be working with Youth With a Mission in Lusaka, Zambia...running schools and working in Community Development as missionaries. Kathryn has a plan for a couple businesses.....photography and making/selling cloth diapers. They hope to be able to become self-sufficient through these ventures. As well, they have their music....they write and perform a unique blend of lyrical and rap songs. (They have one song for sale on iTunes.....look up 'Weeping' by Another Way and download it to your computer or iPod) They will be working toward having their music provide for them as well. When they will have time to do Community Development and YWAM schools, I do not know, but this is the way they live here, too.....always with far more involvement and projects than 4 average couples.

My oldest kids have purchased a house. They will be moving in a few days after we leave (if we leave). This is something else that is pulling at us.....to miss out on such an important event will be very sad.

My second son has applied to the city police force. He has been preparing for this application for a year now. If accepted, this will mean big changes in their household. We like to be around for our kids at the crossroads of their lives.

My third son is in a hard place right now....harder for us than for him, I think (unfortunately). He has discarded the faith in which he was brought up in order to please himself. The event that precipitated this change was the abandonment by his wife of 5 years. It has been nearly a year since she walked out (with no warning) and he's had a rough time of it - including losing his house. It would be hard to be away from him at this time. At least he will have his older brothers.

Our youngest, at nearly 21, had plans to move into his own place in town for the first time. We've had to ask him to put those plans aside so that there is someone living in our house while we are gone. He will have responsibility for our dogs and for the yard (no small thing in the spring/summer). I feel bad leaving him saddled with this, but I am thankful that he is a loving, giving man who looks only on the positive side of this arrangement. He is just entering manhood and his closest confidants are his sister and BIL - who are leaving for Zambia.....and if we are gone too.......I guess I just have to trust God. And him. And his brothers and SsIL.

Have I convinced you that there are good reasons to not want to be so far away?

There are reasons to look forward to the adventure, though....as I said, we loved LA - the people especially. We loved taking 'mini holidays' to see places and things that are almost foreign to us. We loved having the time all to ourselves - with few responsibilities to distract us from our own relationship. I would have time to scrapbook, write, paint, study.....all the things I want to do but cannot seem to find the time for.

We are trusting in the leading and direction of God.....and will put our children in their various places of life into His hands.

With all the hours I've been spending in my basement, I've not felt like cooking for myself and have not been eating well (or much). The other day I took time to cook a meal (with leftovers for another meal) for myself. The numbers on the scale came down immediately. I know this about myself.....if I don't eat enough, I gain or stall out. As soon as I eat more normally, I begin to lose again. What I really need is a maid/cook to look after these every day tasks while I tackle the big project downstairs.

Anyway, that is a brief update on what is going on in my life, now on with the next 'essential to feeling your best every day'

NUMBER 7.....

Be Forgiving

" By forgiving yourself and others for past and present mistakes, real or percieived, you will gain freedom from negativity and guilt that will strengthen you and those you love"

Forgiveness is an important aspect of a peaceful, happy life. The well-known prayer that Jesus taught his disciples says "Forgive us our tresspasses, AS WE FORGIVE those who tresspass against us." Many passages in the New Testament instruct us on the importance of forgiveness to our relationship with God.

Even secular writings and wisdom emphasize that in order to be really happy, we must let go of the past...forgive, in order to be emotionally healthy.

A lack of forgiveness leads to bitterness, which eats at your mind, your heart, your soul....and even your body. Yes, bitterness can lead to disease.

One thing that stood out to me in the paragraph I quoted above is "by forgiving YOURSELF..."

I think this is something that those who struggle with weight have a problem with. At least, I've had this problem. We beat ourselves up for the choices we've made that led to our current weight problems. We trash talk ourselves for 'slipping up', for 'sabatoging' our own efforts. We do not like ourselves because we are fat.

We do not forgive ourselves for being what we are.

The fact is......It is what it is.

I made bad choices over the last 40 odd years. I got fatter and fatter. I beat myself up over this more every year. I could not forgive myself for not being a trim, slim, in shape person.

It was not until I forgave myself for my stupid mistakes and behaviors.....and especially for harboring unforgiveness toward myself that I began to be able to take some control of my lifestyle in regard to eating.

When I begin to beat myself up, to be unforgiving toward myself, I turn to those foods and behaviors that made me fat in the first place.....I tell myself it is 'comfort', but really, it is punishment because 'I am a bad person' to let myself get fat.

Last night, I came to a box of my clothing that I had kept, hoping to one day 'get into' again. As I pulled out the dress I bought for my daughter's baby shower almost 25 years ago, I was shocked at how small it was! Holy Smoke! If I could have had a forgiving heart toward myself at that time, I might have gotten even smaller - and I most likely would NOT now be struggling to lose another nearly 80 pounds to just get to a size that will probably not be much (if any) smaller than I was then.

Let's take this 'essential' to heart.

Forgive yourself.

Forgive those who caused you enough hurt that you turned to food for 'comfort'.

Forgive those who taught you bad habits or contributed to your bad habits.

Forgive and live.

PS....I did NOT keep the dress - or most of the other things in that box.....when I get down to my goal weight, I'm buying an ALL NEW wardrobe, not pulling out 25 year old clothes! (I put away money each month toward that day)

NUMBER SIX

2010-02-07T09:54:00.002-07:00

Or, as my daughter would say...NUMBA 6.

The next 5 essentials to feeling your best everyday may surprise you. The first 5 had to do with physical health....

Breathe deeply

Drink Water

Sleep Peacefully

Eat Nutritiously

Enjoy activity

MOST of those are no-brainers to those of us who have spent any time at all in an effort to change our life style and lose weight.

But.....

There is a topic that has been discussed here and there on some of your blogs - the fear of being thin and the resulting self sabotage. (An 'unhealthy' state of mind.)

Also, consider this.....does being thin and fit make you necessarily feel your best?

Will being thin make you feel good inside and out?

Are thin people happy and healthy people because they are thin?

Can you feel great BEFORE you are thin?

The answer to all these questions is, of course, that we are not just a body. We need to care for our bodies, yes, but we also need to care for our 'inner person'...... our emotional being..... our spirit.

In my humble opinion, our 'spirit man' suffers when we do not care for our bodies BUT our bodies also suffer when we do not care for our 'spirit man'. We are complex beings.

So, with that in mind, I continue with the list of 'Ten Essentials to Feeling Your Best Every Day."

#6 GIVE AND RECEIVE LOVE

"As you give and receive love, freely and generously, you will be blessed with meaningful, lifelong relationships and cherished memories that will bring joy in happy times, and strength and peace in difficult times"

Most of us have someone we love.....a spouse, significant other, child, parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, friend, pet....

I challenge you, however, to think of love not as something you feel for someone, but as something you do and live.

You can live love all the time, giving love to every person you come in contact with because love is not just hugs and kisses and a special feeling. Yes, it encompasses those things, but it is so much bigger.

Love is actually more a verb than a noun.....it requires action.

You can live love by being patient and kind with each person you come in contact with.... including the jerk who cut you off in traffic. Even harder, we live love when we are patient and kind with our children and husbands no matter how 'jerky' they are.

We live love when we are unselfish.... when our focus is not on pleasing ourselves, but on serving others.

Read 1 Corinthians 13 for the classic and most concise description of Love.

Note that this 'essential' is not only about giving (or living) love, it is also about receiving love. Sometimes we have a hard time letting someone love us.....I'm no psychologist, but I know there could be hundreds of reasons to reject love - just as there are hundreds of reaons we withold love.

In order to really be healthy and happy, we must be able to live love and recieve love.

We can do this no matter what size our jeans are.

Without this essential, it won't matter how skinny you are - you will not be truly happy.

With it, our happiness is not dependant on the scale and let's face it......a person who is truly happy and full of love is one that others want to be around.

Essential #5

2010-02-03T16:44:00.001-07:00

The Fifth Essential to Good Health is....

ENJOY ACTIVITY

"Your body was created to move - and move often. Activity increases your circulation, speeding oxygen, nutrients, and water to your cells. Your Lymphatic System requires activity to purge your body of deadly toxins. Activity also triggers your brain to release health-giving hormones and enzymes, which lift your spirit while they bolster your immune system. A small investment in daily moderate activity will enable you to reap tremendous health benefits." (from the TriVita philosophy.....see post on Essential #1 for detail)

If you have been around this blog for awhile, you know that 'Exercise' is not something I easily incorporate into my life. My passions are all sedentary....reading, learning, crafting, art, photography, writing. HOWEVER, it is not that I do not like exercise, because when I actually discipline myself to get started on some kind of exercise routine I enjoy it quite thoroughly. I think the problem is in the sentence before where I note my 'passions'. Exercise (or activity) has never been a passion in my life. I'm not a person who absolutely MUST be outside or who LOVES to play golf or walk or swim or garden even. (It is no wonder that I've spent my entire life battling extra weight.) Because it has never been a passion, I am easily 'derailed' from my routine.

Here's a thought, though......if I've spent my whole life trying to lose weight, and EXERCISE has been something I've been told I must do in order to lose that weight, then how could it ever be any more than a discipline? Something I HAD to do, whether I wanted to or not. Nobody had to tell me, as a child, to go out and play Run Sheep Run with the other kids in the neighborhood....or go ride my bike for miles every day, exploring the town and visiting my friends. (Of course, I was a child many years ago - it was safe for kids to have more freedom in the 60's) No, I was active without being told to be active. I was having fun, not 'exercising'.

As I grew into my teens, it was no longer 'cool' to be running around or riding my bike all over town and I began to put a little weight on. It wasn't a whole lot, really, but I felt like I was huge.....too fat to go swimming. Too fat to play ball. Too fat to ride a bike or go hiking or any number of things that would have been fun. So, because I thought I was too fat to be active, I gradually became too fat.

During this whole time, the only kind of activity I felt even close to comfortable with was what was considered 'weight loss exercise' because of course, you are never too fat to lose weight, right? But the exercise classes, gym memberships, home gym equipment all served to emphasize to me what I thought I knew.....I was too fat, and (as my blog title says) a failure.

Exercise became a punishment for being fat.

What if I could change my mind about activity/exercise? What if my focus wasn't on how much weight I might lose or how many calories are burned, but on the health benefits of activity. (As the above quote focuses on) Would I begin to think differently about movement?

A HEALTHY lifestyle is my goal, afterall, not a specific weight.

I've never thought about how activity aids my body in the work it was meant to do (other than making my muscles stronger). Everyone has heard that exercise increases the 'happy hormones' that 'lift your spirit', but I've never heard before that exercise actually boosts the immune system.

There's a new H1N1 remedy.....exercise.

Want to avoid having colds this winter? Go for a walk.

Want to 'cleanse' your body of toxins? go dancing.

Feeling depressed? Ride a bike.

Want to live longer? Exercise.

I'm not saying I won't use the exercise equipment, weights, or DVD's.....just that maybe if I start to focus on the health benefits more than the feeling of exercise being a 'punishment' for being fat, just maybe I can become a person who includes some kind of activity in her list of passions.

How about you? Is exercise a passion or a punishment for you?

An Obvious Essential

2010-01-26T10:26:00.004-07:00

The fourth 'Essential' is....

Eat Nutritiously

"Food has a powerful impact on your body. Every day, food, in large part, determines how you feel and how your body functions. A balanced diet, rich in whole foods, combined with quality nutritional supplements created to meet your specific needs*, will give you the energy you need today, and the disease-fighting strength you need to build a healthy future."

*note: This quote is taken from material from a company that sells quality supplements

This point is a given if you are seeking a healthier, lower-weight lifestyle.

However......

Are we REALLY eating nutritiously?

Or are we falling for the 'low fat' or 'diet' or 'low cal' lables?

Low fat, low sodium chips are still chips.....sorely lacking in nutruition and usually triggering a craving for more of the same.

No fat yogurt is usually high in calories because of the sugar added to make up for the lack of fat.

Many 'diet' foods (especially the frozen meals) are high in sodium.

Don't fall for the fancy, attention grabbing labeling.......go for real food. (Or at least, read the lables carefully)

Sometimes it is better to eat more calories that are loaded with real nutrition than it is to eat a 'diet' plate that is mostly empty calories - or worse, calories that contain chemicals, sodium, or refined sugar.

The fresher the real food is, the better it is for you.

Grow your own.

Go to a farmer's market.

Find a source, if possible, of locally grown produce - as opposed to mass produced.

I came across a quote awhile ago that I remind myself of often....."Eat food. Mostly plants. Not too much."

Make sure that what you are putting into your mouth is actually FOOD.

Real food.

Not processed calories.

Eat more plants (vegetables, grains, fruits) than meats, or dairy.

Don't stuff yourself.....limit your servings.

My husband and I began to notice the affects of food on emotional health many years ago when he was battling clinical depression. We had found that extra doses of Vitamin B helped, but when he began to work away from home and be responsible for his own meals, we noticed a deffinite difference. At first, because he was not eating regularly and when he did eat it was quick, processed foods, he struggled more than usual with the negativity that comes with depression. When he began to be regimented in his eating (cooking more real foods) and his sleep, things were much better.

Another (doubious) benefit which I've mentioned before......eating healthier has made a noticeable difference in my nails and hair growth (something I could have done without because of the costs involved in 'fills'and 'coloring').

Real Food also satisfies, fills you up better than processed food.

Yes, real food is a bit more costly in some ways.....and you have to prepare it....but the benefits far outweigh the extra cost. Besides, you will probably have to buy less in the way of medicines if you are eating healthy.

For an excellent post about the so called costs of eating healthy, Go to this post by my friend Lyn.

I am reading a book about sprouting (just started) and I am going to experiment in this area - some day I'll report about my efforts - I expect that growing my own greens (which are extra nutritious) for my salads will cut down on some of the 'real food' expenses. I have not explored where to get the seeds and grains for sprouting so do not know the costs there (yet). Anyone out there doing this?

I challenge you to think twice about whether or not you are eating REAL food that is nutritious.

_________

Reporting on myself......I have not lost any weight and over the last several days have found it difficult to even keep track of what I am eating. We have been super busy.

However, I have been doing very well on my water intake and because I've focused on it, I now crave water regularly. This is a good sign to me....when I want water it means that I've managed to get past the stage where I have to make myself drink it.

I've been going to bed at a good hour, but have been waking up most nights at 4 a.m. then tossing and turning for a couple hours before falling asleep again. I have been using the time to pray about specific things that are on my heart at this time....actually, specific persons. Still, it means that my sleep is interrupted and I am quite tired by evening.

I hurt my foot mysteriously on Saturday so even my walking around for normal activity has been slowed significantly. As soon as it is not so painful, I will be using my treadmill each day. I am going to challenge my daughter to a competition....who can walk the longest/farthest each day? Should help us both - we are both rather competitive....her more than me, but I would be quite motivated if I felt that I was helping her.

So....end of post....time to go get myself some FOOD and then take care of the tasks I have set out for myself for the next couple hours.

Essentials to feeing Your Best, Every Day - point 3

2010-01-20T15:18:00.002-07:00

The third essential I want to mention is...

Sleep Peacefully

Sleep is the only time your body has to repair and rejuvenate every organ and system in your body. Sleep deprivation causes cellular damage, and limits the production of enzymes and hormones you body needs tokeep your cells healthy, and prevent premature aging. Sleep also has a powerful impact on your emotional health - it eases stress and helps you cope with the ups and downs of your day.

In all my years of dieting, I had never heard of the relationship of sleep to weight loss until I joined LA Weight Loss. At that time, they told me that I needed eight hours of sleep every night in order to maximize my efforts. I was sceptical, but began to be more disciplined in that area. To my surprise, I DID lose better when I was getting enough sleep.

Later, I read an article about sleep and weight loss detailing the effects sleep (or lack of) has on certain hormone production. I wrote a post about that article which you can read here.

The surprising truth is that if you get good sleep for at least 8 hours a night you will find it easier to lose weight.

Of course, being well rested also means you can work harder, think more clearly, and handle difficult situations better as well.

As for me, I love to sleep but I find that if I make my sleeping time begin after midnight and then sleep late in the morning I do not function well. I work best if I am asleep before midnight and up before 8 a.m. I've also noticed that when I go to sleep by midnight I feel more rested on 8 hours than if I go to bed at 2 a.m. and sleep until 10 a.m. (I realize that most of you have jobs and responsibilities that demand you get up long before 10 a.m. - I`m just saying where I am at right now)

As with anything that is good for me, sometimes I let myself stay up too late- 'playing' on my computer, reading, scrapbooking, or watching movies. I can easily fall into this habit since it is what I have done most of my life BUT this is one area that I find easier to correct - probably because I hate starting my day late in the morning.

How about you? Do you give yourself a restful sleep every night?

Back to the 10 Essentials to Feeling Your Best Every Day

2010-01-19T18:24:00.002-07:00

Hey ..... I haven't forgotten about this - really!

Have you been remembering to breathe deeply? I've been making a conscious effort to take 5 deep breaths several times a day. I usually do feel more energetic after those feasts of Oxygen.

The second essential is one of which we are all aware....

DRINK WATER

Ok, that is no surprise, right? We all know that part of any weight loss strategy is the intake of at least 8 cups of water every day.

Do you know that water is needed for everything your body does? The human body is more than 70% water. Nutrient absorption, blood flow, respiration, elimination, and your ability to see and hear require adequate consumption of pure, clean water. Your body cannot effectively store the water you need throughout the day.

So drink water often. Don't try to guzzle it all at once so you can move on to coffee, tea, or soft drinks. Drink water often during the day.

I seem to go in cycles on this point....I'll do real well for long time - in fact, after just a few days of discipline, I crave water over any other beverage. But then, I'll 'fall off the wagon' for a few days and I'm back to needing to think about it and discipline myself.

Which leads to a question.....WHY do I need to work so hard to do something I know is not only good for me, but which I know I will enjoy? I have proven to myself that drinking lots of water absolutely helps with the weight control. I have proven to myself that water quenches my thirst better than anything else. I have even noticed that I feel better and more energetic, generally, when my water intake is up.

It is the age old question.....why do I do the things I know I should not and do not do the things I know I should?

10 Essentials

2010-01-05T20:01:00.005-07:00

My husband heard a radio program a couple years ago about a Vitamin B supplement developed by a Dr. Libby. It is sublingual...that is, you place it under your tongue and it is dissolved directly into the blood stream.

The benefits of sublingual Vitamin B complex are many - the main one we were interested in is the fact that a lack of Vitamin B (and Folic Acid, which is included in this supplement) is directly related to heart disease.

Jim had been told he had high cholesteral and been put on Statin drugs which affected him negatively. We began some research on cholesteral and its connection to heart disease and found that there is a large amount of research that points to high homocystine levels caused by a lack of Vitamin B rather than cholesteral as the main culprit. Since the Statin drugs were causing more problems than he was willing to deal with, we worked at changing his diet and adding a GOOD supplement. This is what led to our ordering Dr. Libby's Tri-Vita Vitamin B supplement. I can tell you that we both found a new level of energy when taking it - and that Jim's cholesteral count began to come down (a combination of diet and supplement).

Along with our first order, we recieved a little booklet that outlines what they call 'Ten Essentials to Feeling Your Best Every Day'. I would like to share from this list over the next while.

BTW.....You can order the Vitamin B complex at the TriVita website or by telephone (1-800-991-7116) If you do, please mention my name and my ID # 13082335.......we will both get a discount if you do. (note: I am not writing this post to sell the product and the TriVita people did not ask me to mention them on my blog.....I simply wanted to share the list, which I think is helpful for focusing on healthy living)

Now, on with the first essential....

First, ask yourself these questions and answer with Always, Sometimes, or Never.

Do you yawn frequently?
Are you a shallow breather - your abdomen rarely expands when you breathe?
Do you feel 'light headed' or experience a shortness of breath?

The first 'essential' is....BREATHE DEEPLY.

"Air is the cornerstone of life. Every moment of every day, your body exchanges carbon dioxide for oxygen to keep each cell in your body alive and functioning. A rich supply of oxygen can make the difference between feeling tired and stressed and youthful and focused. Take at least five deep breaths from your abdomen several times a day."

I think sometimes we get so focused on sticking to plan, what the scale says, how many times we can make it to the gym (or not) that we forget that there is more to a healthy, happy lifestyle than those big things......

I am going to try to remember to breathe deeply 5 big breaths at a time, several times a day - beginning tonight.

I will be posting the other 9 essentials over the next couple weeks.

I did not have a very successful day today - didn't have breakfast, didn't drink all my water, didn't do any excersise, didn't stick to plan.

But....I'll never give up. Today can be an anomoly.....in fact, it IS an anomoly for the most part. Tomorrow will be better.

BTW....there is a link under the words "TriVita website" I do not know why it did not show up as a link and do not know how to fix it. But I tried it and it works.

A New Year

2010-01-04T10:24:00.001-07:00

I know it has been forever since I've been on here, and I do not know if everyone has given up on me or not, but.......I'm b-a-a-c-k.....

Happy 2010 to anyone who is still around this little blog.

Well, not that I need any MORE reasons to get into shape through exercise and weight management, I have another one. The Christmas season has emphasized to me how OUT of shape I am. Three solid days of shopping and I was exhausted....complete with sore muscles - as if I had been working out. It was embarrassing! I mean, I did do a fair bit of walking, but it was not at a FAST pace or anything. A couple days to recuperate, and it was Christmas Eve.....I was still wrapping gifts and getting the house in order and doing whatever pre-prep I could for the next day.

By the 27th of December I was again exhausted - my whole body ached with fatigue. My hubby (who was also exhausted for other reasons having to do with too many days working in a row, including one 36 hour shift) and I spent the entire day in bed - mostly sleeping.

The 25th, we had 11 for our traditional brunch. My SIL and her family (5) arrived shortly after we finished our meal. My oldest son and his family (6) arrived before supper. So, there was a houseful of people all day and into the late evening. I prepared a full turkey dinner - of course, I had helping hands here and there, but I had to tell everyone what to do.....my main helpers (that is, those who do not need to be directed) are usually my husband and to a lesser extent, my daughter. My daughter was not home at Christmas this year - they were spending the holiday with my SIL's family in Europe - and my husband was WAY past tired after working 18 hour days since Sept 11 with only 6 days off during that time (one day at a time). He just didn't have it in him - it was all he could do to stay in the living room and visit. Anyway, we had 22 for supper - including the 6 grandbabies that were present - and no dishwasher. There was plenty of pitching in to clean up, most people helped at least some. I was in charge of putting food away and keeping things going and not dissolving into 'towel wars'. LOL

The 26th was our 'family gift exchange' and was also the only day my niece and her family could visit us - so we had 19 for brunch that day. Our gift exchange takes all day - we open ONE gift at a time - and is very relaxing and fun. Since we have more in our family, we have found ways to shorten the process a little bit and this year we were done early enough that the boys could go into town to play a game of hockey. My SIL brought over the turkey for this night - to go with the leftovers from the night before (there were no turkey leftovers). This proved to be a challenge since there were not alot of vegetable leftovers either....but I pulled some things together and set out PAPER PLATES.

Understand one thing - my kitchen is small. My dining table seats 12 (10 comfortably) and fills up the dining room area, but in order to seat the whole family (including the extended family that share our holidays) we have to move furniture in the living room in order to set up an extra table or two. This also includes scouring the house for chairs or something else to sit on. This job is usually overseen by Jim, this year, I put one of my boys in charge. The result was not what I wanted, and had my granddaughters sitting in the kitchen at a children's table.....my oldest is 9 1/2 and is nearly as tall as me! Putting them at a kiddie table was NOT an option, to I set three more places and found 3 more chairs.

Every year, Jim says...."We HAVE to turn the (attached single) garage into part of the living area!" This becomes more and more evident as our family expands. Maybe this year. LOL. Seriously, though.....part of the exhaustion comes from having so many in such a small space. Our small space, BTW, is the largest area available within the family.

By the end of the evening on the 26th, I was tired enough that I was not even sorry for the celebration to end. The next day, as I said, we stayed in bed all day (except to get up and eat a couple times). I did not even put the living room in order again until Jan 1 when we did it all again for my daughter and SIL.

My point here, is that if I had been on the treadmill every day for the last year I would not have gotten so tired (at least, not as quickly) and I would have enjoyed the party a little more. If I had ALSO been doing strength training or some kind of workout, I would have had even MORE energy. I really do not do all that much ...... I don't even do as much as when my kids were little. For example.....when I had 4 or 5 little kids running around my legs, I baked for Christmas....cookies and squares and candies and (much more time consuming) the Scandinavian traditionals of Lefse, Flatbread, and Rosettes....each of which requires a full day of work. I also MADE ornaments for everyone I would be seeing at Christmas. (to be fair, this is the first year I have not made ornaments). I cannot believe how much more I could do while managing babies, toddlers, and young ones. Of course, I was in my 20's and 30's then - age does have an effect, after all.

My goal for this year is to focus on being in shape so that next Christmas I can come out of the 2 day celebration without having to spend a full day in bed to recuperate.

We do have regular family days during the summer, days when everyone (sometimes extended family as well) gather at our home for a day of just being together and sharing a meal.....but those happen when Jim is home and rested first of all, and secondly, there is always at least some of the day (if not all) that we are outside - a much bigger space than my little 1300 sq ft house.) Those days do not take as much out of me.

So......I need y'all! I need to be accountable and encouraged and even to have my hand slapped here and there.

As far as my weight goes....today I weighed in at 218.2 - I had been hovering around 213 - 216 for the month before Christmas, so that is not too much of a gain - especially considering that yesterday I ate two large plates of corn chips with cheese and salsa! I did get up as high as 220 over the past week, but that only lasted for one day. Still, 218 is a 10 pound gain from my lowest weight last spring. I can feel it in my clothes, too. My first goal is to get back to 208.

Another motivation.....my daughter and SIL are moving (with my grandchildren) to Zambia in June. They will be there indefinitely. My husband has told me two things.... I can go live with them for as long as I want during the winter months when he is working.....but I have to have my weight to 180 or less in order to go (he is concerned about the fact that I have high blood pressure.....flying raises blood pressure, and heat (such as the Zambian summers) also affects it. If I have dropped my weight that significantly, my blood pressure should have dropped as well).

This morning I had a smoothie made with FF, SF vanilla yogurt, a banana, and frozen blackberries. I also drank a cup of green tea (a special weight loss tea that I cannot say 'works' but at least tastes good.) I also took my multi-vitamin pack and my Vitamin B.

I WILL be back, to report on my efforts to make next year's Christmas celebration a little less exhausting.

What is the Prize?

2009-11-26T09:46:00.001-07:00

This morning I picked up a Bible Study book that I've had forever....."The Joy of Eating Right". The Subtitle is "Spiritual and Nutritional Principles for Weight Control" by Dee Brestin and Peggy Johnston.

I started this study a few months ago so I just picked up where I'd left off....Well, actually, I read over what I'd written in the previous week's lesson before going on to the next week (which I normally do all at once).

The reference for Day 5 of this week is Phil 3:12-14.....the passage in which Paul talks about 'pressing on toward the mark'. The Message says it this way...."Friends, don't get me wrong. By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward - to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back."

Of course, Paul was NOT speaking of weight loss goals, but the authors used the principal in this passage to emphasize that weight control is a long term project, taking months or even years of perseverance to achieve healthy eating habits and a thin body. Also, this passage was used to picture the fact that any weight loss program takes commitment and effort.

Then comes the question....."Paul mentions the need to forget about what is behind us and press on toward the prize. What is your prize? What is your goal? Is it attainable? Is it realistic? Are you truly committed, no matter how long it takes? Take some time to think about these questions and record your thoughts below"

My thoughts in answer to these questions made me happy, so I thought I'd share them with y'all.....

First of all, what is my prize?

I did not have to think long on this and was excited when I realized that......My prize comes incrementally....with each pound lost and kept off, comes a huge sense of satisfaction, a feeling of having won a battle. With each 5 or so pounds (yes, as little as that) comes a knowledge that my clothing is fitting differently. Every once in awhile, new clothing is needed in a smaller size. My favorite prizes have to do with how I feel, however.....increased energy and confidence, and the ability to feel my hip bone through the (now smaller) layer of fat on my hips, the emerging curve of my waistline. Even after a year of no change, I still feel like I've won a prize at these things. Another prize I have won and still appreciate daily is the fact that I can wear my wedding rings....I know, I talk about that alot - but if you have ever gone for 10 or more years without your rings, you will know why it is so important to me. The prizes keep on coming...it is not just ONE big prize at the end of the journey. Thankfully.

My final goal is to MAINTAIN a healthy weight of about 145 lbs AND to have incorporated more activity into my daily life. In other words, there will be no end to this because I will need to continue to keep that goal in mind and be diligent about eating and doing to maintain that weight. I will not just remain at my goal weight without continuing effort.

Am I committed? Yes. For the first time in my life, I don't care how long this takes....I'm in it for the long haul. I'm not giving up. The reward is not just a thin body.....it is a HEALTHY body. And, as I've just said, I consider this a life time 'race'.

The only complaint I have about eating healthy is that my nails and my hair grow much faster.....I used to be able to go for 5 weeks without getting my nails done. Now I MUST go every 3 weeks. Also, my grey roots start showing much sooner than they used to. Ah well....a small price to pay for better health.

Back to the subject......think about it - what is the prize you are 'running' toward? What is your goal? Is it attainable? Are you committed?

Good News and Bad News

2009-11-25T17:50:00.002-07:00

Well, the good news is that I am no longer on my way UP the scale.

More good news is that I have lost about 3 pounds this week.

Bad news is that I gained 3 pounds this week before I lost it.

So, my weight today is the same as it was a week ago - 213.6 - which is still almost 3 pounds more than what my 'ticker' says.

Ah well, I am feeling more like myself....that is the 'self' that was consistently losing weight.

The bad news is.....I do not have time to say more than this.

Or maybe that is good news? LOL

will try to get back sooner than last time!

On a more Upbeat Note........

2009-11-14T06:01:00.003-07:00

Yikes! I'm like a week late, almost, with this post.

I've managed to spend less time wasting time on my computer this week - a whole lot less wasted time, actually.

That doesn't mean that I haven't sat at the computer several times a day - just that I was working, not just 'facebooking' or playing solitaire.

Anyway, I said I was going to post about what is still positive in my 'weight-loss life'.......instead of only focusing on the negative fact that I have not lost any weight to speak of in the last year, I want to list as many positive things as I can think of.

So here goes......

I am fourty pounds lighter than I was in Dec 2007
I am wearing size 18 pants .... down from size 24
I am wearing size 20 shirts......down from size 28
I can wear my wedding rings ALL THE TIME......something I have not been able to do for probably 10 years
My ankles usually look nice (except when I'm retaining water....normally, because I forgot to take my blood pressure meds)
I can wear a necklace without an extension
I do not look like the woman on my driver's license or passport
I now have a waistline.....a little on the large size, but at least it is a waist line
I can reach to wipe
I eat less than I used to - and am quite satisfied
I automatically choose healthy foods (almost 100% of the time) over quick, processed foods
I read lables and have learned which products to avoid and which to buy (like no salt added tomatoes)
I still get compliments on having lost weight - even though I haven't lost for a year
In spite of a pretty emotionally stressful year, I have not gained any weight overall and I have not turned to food as my crutch
In other words.....when I quit losing, I did not gain back what I had lost and then some more! You know.....when you lose focus on your weight loss plan - what happens......I don`t know about you - but for me, in the past, as soon as I am not being very disciplined about my `diet`, I begin to gain. And gain. And gain. And surpass my starting weight. This did not happen!!!!

WOOHOO!

The thing that worries me is that I have lost much of the belief I had in myself....that I really WAS going to get to a healthy weight. Not that I am without hope....I always have hope....but I do not have the same strength of really believing it as I did at this time last year.

Actually, now that I think of it, that is not really something to worry about....I mean, when I started this journey I had NO hope and I absolutely did NOT believe I would ever lose ANY weight - yet, I lost over 40 pounds.

All I have to do is DO IT. Or Keep Doing it but make a few adjustments here and there. Because really, I have been 'doing it' for the most part - I have kept my eating in control and established good habits that I barely even think about anymore. I probably need to get out the scale and measuring cups again, that would show me where I am not eating the correct portions. AND it would help to get a journal to write everything in (I have one, but I do not like it so don't use it every day)

So......All is not lost.

I am not a total failure.

I have not left the road to success.....just sat down on the shoulder.

I can just get up and begin to travel down the same path to my goal.

I have lost no ground, really.....just time.....and afterall, it is not like I quit living while I was losing the time - I've lived lots this past year...some wonderful times and blessings, some difficult and emotionally exhausting experiences. The only time I've lost is in regard to weight loss. But there is no use in speculating what weight I could be at right now, had everything gone perfectly in the last 12 months.

It is what it is.

I`m going on from here.

Confession

2009-11-06T16:16:00.003-07:00

I've been avoiding this blog.....because after a brief couple weeks of losing again, I am back up. I cannot even complain about it because I know that I am not moving enough (and I'm not even talking about the E word here) and I know I am not drinking enough water.

My eating hasn't been out of control until last night when I recieved the box of cookie dough that I ordered....I ate 4 of the raw cookies last night and one this morning.

This is cookie dough that I bought only because it was a fund raiser for a pre-school.....how do you say no to a friend, the mom of twins, who are required to raise a certain amount of money? I didn't really want it because raw cookie dough is a major weakness of mine but I'd feel like a jerk to say no. Others around me ordered several boxes....I ordered ONE.

I took a dozen of the 'cookies' out of the box - intending to bake some for Jim to have as dessert and to take in his lunch but he did not get home until after 11 pm and I wasn't going to tempt him with cookies at that time of night! I should go re-wrap them and put them in the freezer with the rest.

I'm also trying to spend less time on my computer (not too successfully - hence the 'not moving enough' comment) so have not been visiting y'alls blogs, either.

I have noticed, that many of the bloggers that began about the same time I did have 'vanished' and I haven't taken the time to get to 'know' those of you who are 'new' to me. I think I need to take some time to do so - I've always recieved so much encouragement from these blogs.

I am a little bit 'all or nothing' of a person - not enough of that quality to make me completely successful at losing weight - but enough that I feel like if I can't read all my 'usual' blogs AND comment on them , then I just do nothing. This tendency affects how successful I am at 'sticking to plan' and to exercise as well.

I just have to get past that. Maybe set my 'blog goals' a little more realistically. Like maybe read one a day - or set an hour a week aside to read several.

What do the rest of you do to make time for this rather time consuming part of weight-loss?

I also have another blog, which I've had for 3 plus years.....and another 'experimental' blog that I started at the beginning of '09. I do not know if I'll continue with that one after the end of this year, but my family has objected every time I've threatened to quit. (There are links to both these 'other' blogs at the right) I don't do as much blog reading connected to these other blogs, but I do more posting.

Part of my problem with 'time' is, I think, related to the change in my lifestyle over the past 11 months. I've gone from homeschooling AND driving all over the province to spend every 3rd week with my husband where he was working to living WITH my husband all the time away from home (in Louisiana) to moving back home where my youngest was still living with us and my husband was home for 2 weeks every 2 weeks. That lasted until Dec. 08 and I was busy, busy, busy with reclaiming my home after so much time away from it - even when my youngest 'left the nest', I did not have time to be lonely.

In January, Jim started working in Alberta again - but the work situation had changed and I can no longer go and stay with him on his worksite for a week at a time. He worked more than 80 days last winter - between January 2 and the end of March....all away from home. It took at least 2 months to realize I was floundering because of lonliness - and probably mild depression. That state of mind put me in a habit of just 'existing', mostly......I spent alot of time wasting time - which made me feel more depressed. I started to get hold of this by going to bed at a decent time and getting up early. Then things changed again.....Spring came and Jim was home for a few months....he went back to work but it was summer time - I accomplished much because I had many responsibilities regarding our 7 acres of grass and our garden.

Now, he's working all the time again and my responsibilities are mostly inside. It is much easier to procrastinate cleaning the basement than it was to mow the grass. My youngest son is living at home again, which means that there is someone here sometimes, but he is gone most evenings and has things that keep him busy all day (even if it is 'just' his online computer game). I had gotten back into the habit of staying up half the night and sleeping most of the morning away - always a destructive habit for me.

Jim has been working near home for the past week so is here at night - up at 5 am and home about 8 pm...bed by 9:30...so at least I'm back to getting up early and going to bed early. I'm still, however, stuck in the rut of spending too much time on my computer or finding a reason to go to town just to get out of my house.

My husband's job is not likely to change - I need to change the way I live in spite of the lifestyle.

Don't suggest a job for me...that would mean that I would not be available when he ISN'T working - which happens sporatically. When he is 'off', he is at home all day for anywhere from 1 day to 3 months. We do not want me to be tied to a job when we actually have opportunity to be together. Even volunteer work requires a committment of specific times.

No, I need to get off my duff and do the work that is in front of me - and there is plenty of it around here.....not to mention being available to my 5 children and 8 grandchildren. I can be busy without a job.....in fact, I have no excuse to be lonely or depressed. I have a list of projects a mile long - things that if I would just get started on, I would enjoy. Things like cleaning my basement ....yes, I'd enjoy that! I want to go through all the boxes and throw most of it out. I want to organize and make the basement into a place my grandkids can go play when it is too cold to play outside. But I always feel like I 'don't have time' to do it all at once so I never get started. Isn't that retarded? Of course I can't do it all at once - no one could.

So that is my confession....I have been wasting time wishing I had a more 'normal' lifestyle, thinking if I can't finish something right now I should just wait to start.

Stupid.

It has led to a long period of little to no weight loss....bouncing back and forth between two numbers.

I want to become a part of the accountability and encouragement of this community again.

It just occurred to me that I started to 'disappear' from the weight loss blogs when I could no longer tell you that 'it' was working for me easily. When I stopped feeling like I was changed. I'm back to feeling like a fat failure.....like I will never win this battle, even though my eating habits HAVE changed and I have no desire to go back to the way I used to eat. The battle I have not won - and only thought I had - is the battle in my mind...the way I think about myself.

Next post will be an exercise in telling myself about the victories I HAVE won.....but I must git goin.....I'm off to a 'weekend retreat' with our church. Except I'll be coming home to make Jim's supper and sleep with him - the retreat facility is only 15 minutes away from my house.

Don't be too hard on me....but don't be easy on me, either. I need to jump back into this accountability structure.

Hopefully, I'll be back on here on Monday.

A Bit of a Ramble

2009-10-21T18:11:00.003-06:00

I don't have an official weigh in number for today because I was not home this morning. I always weigh first thing - before I eat. I can tell you that yesterday's weight, however, was DOWN 2 pounds! Of course, that was at least 2 weeks since I last reported, but 2 pounds in 2 weeks is still a Victory.

I have not been feeling well lately and it seems to be finally settling in today....I even have a fever today. I've gone to bed for a nap twice and still feel like I could sleep. I'm hungry, though.

I mentioned in my last post that I've decided to do more cooking for myself at supper time. It is not alot of fun to eat alone every night so I have tended to just have the same thing at noon and in the evening.

Just a minute, maybe I should explain a bit for those new 'followers'....don't know if you actually read this blog, but just in case.....

I am happily married but my husband's career has him working away from home for various lengths of time. He is a well site supervisor in the oil and gas industry. This is seasonal work at best, meaning that when 'activity' is high, he has to work as much as he can because there is always at least a month with NO work at all in the spring - often up to 4 months with no work, then over the summer, 2 weeks a month is the most we can expect. Fall/winter is the busy season. We enjoy the long periods of time he can be home in the spring and summer, but he has to work very long periods during the fall/winter so we can continue to pay the bills and buy groceries when he is not working.

This year, because of the very low price of natural gas (he works mostly gas wells) there is NO new activity at all .... the oil company cannot even break even on a new natural gas well at these prices. So, he is working on old wells - fixing and repairing and shutting in for good. We have no idea how much of this work will be available so we cannot afford for him to 'pace himself' ..... if there is a job for him, he is going to go to work.

This is why I talk about eating alone and cooking for myself so much. There are pros and cons to this ...... I do not mind eating the same thing day in and day out which makes food prep quick and easy. (Jim likes variety, usually) For a long time, my staple meal has been homemade 'taco' soup - noon and supper. Breakfast is usually a smoothie made with FF SF yogurt and berries.

I noticed, however, that when Jim is home and I eat more 'normal' meals, that I lose more quickly - even though I'm eating more calories. Therefore, I concluded that I need to add to my usual fare. Of course, everything I've learned over the years of attempting to lose weight supports this conclusion....you do need to eat in order to keep your metabolism burning efficiently. So, I've determined to plan and cook a full meal for myself at supper times.

One of my favorite meals is Spaghetti squash topped with ground beef and spaghetti sauce and lots of roasted vegetables.....carrots, parsnips, turnips, sweet potatoe, squash (butternut or delectia). I can usually prepare enough at one time to have leftovers for at least one more meal.

Last week I made my own spaghetti sauce......I chopped up some of the tomatoes from my garden, added a chopped onion, some garlic, and Italian spices. I drizzled olive oil over it all, mixed it up, and put it in the oven at 450 F for about 25 minutes. Oh, the heavenly smell this produced! When the tomatoes and onion were carmelized, I took it out, let it cool a bit, then put it through the blender. Very good - and I know there was no added sodium (something I try hard to avoid). Also, I know it is full of nutrients since I grew the tomato and onion myself.

But, as I said....I am not feeling well today and so did not want to cook. I do not have any vegetables left since I ate them last night with my chicken breast, but I may have the spaghetti squash and ground beef. I'm feeling hungry, so I suppose I should make a decision soon.

I travelled yesterday afternoon to where my hubby is staying when his day is done. (A two hour drive). He arrived at the hotel at 8 p.m. so we had a few hours together. I do not do this often because he always stays up later when I am there and then it takes a couple days for him to 'catch up'. Since his day begins at 5 a.m. and does not end until 8 pm at the earliest, he disciplines his sleep time as part of his work....when he stays up past 9:30 or 10, he gets too tired.

For my part, I have a hard time going to bed at night when he is gone - which means I sleep too late in the morning - which means I feel like I do not accomplish anything in a day because my day does not start in the morning. Hopefully, since I was up with him at 5 this morning and am feeling sick, I can begin to get myself on a more productive schedule.

I am a person who lacks discipline and thrives on routine. I know what I should do, but have a hard time making myself do it. Once I get past the initial hurdle of 'just do it', I am fine.....I love to be organized and follow a plan. I am glad that I was able to establish my routine of eating healthy before we came back to this lifestyle (we had about a year of more regular work - another story for another time) so at least I do not struggle much with what to eat or what not to eat.

Anyway, this has been a rambling post....not going anywhere, really. I need to go have some supper and start to think about going to bed (again). I was supposed to spend the next 2 days with my DIL and grandbabies since my son is going back to work tomorrow, but they've had to make other arrangements - don't want any of them getting sick! The last thing Victoria needs is to be sick while recovering from childbirth. Hopefully, I'll be well enough next week to 'hang out' with them for a couple days. Tor is very efficient and really doesn't need alot of help, but I was looking forward to the time with just her and the babies.

Oh well.

Ava Grace

2009-10-17T13:07:00.002-06:00

Just a quick announcement.....my newest grandbaby has been born!

Ava Grace arrived Oct 15 at about 8 pm. Her stats are: 7 lbs 12 oz, 20.5 inches long. Blonde hair, fair skin, and a good set of lungs! Man! Can this little girl cry loud! LOL.

In this photo, she is about 1 hour old, snuggled in the arms of her Daddy....my son.

I will be going to spend a few days with them next week when Mike goes back to work and Victorias father and step mom (and their 2 kids) are gone back to their home. It may be a bit more difficult to stick to my plan while there, but I will also have to be chasing big brother Kaden around so maybe that will make up for the difference. LOL.

As far as my weight loss efforts are concerned......I am still on my way down, slowly. I still have a long way to go to incorporate daily exercise into my routine (I am getting quite tired of saying that) and I am beginning to realize that I need to do more cooking when I am the only one at home. I used to cook a meal for myself every evening and eat from a pot of soup at lunch time. Lately, I have been eating from the pot of soup twice a day. Convenient. Realatively healthy. But lazy.....and I must get rid of my lazy demon if I am going to start moving enough to increase my rate of weight loss. Also, I am likely not eating enough because of this habit. When Jim is home, of course, I cook meals for supper. I always expect to gain when he is around because I eat more....but I usually continue to lose.

Anyway, this was supposed to be a quick announcement post....I have another grandbaby running around here - I am babysitting for the day so his mommy can study for some final exams...I sure should not be spending too much time on the computer!

My Husband's Journey

2009-10-06T23:57:00.002-06:00

I forgot to weigh myself on Wednesday....oops. In fact, I haven't weighed myself since Tuesday. I have, however, been doing pretty well with the eating. I am not yet friends with exercise, but sooner than later, that will come.

I am writing today about my husband's efforts at weight loss.

I am very proud of him.

He has been slowly changing his eating habits over the last few years - after his cholesterol was in the dangerously high range and medication only made his muscles hurt so bad he couldn't lift his arms. His weight has been quite up and down - although the average overall has been down.

The last few weeks, however, he has seen a dramatic difference. He's lost about 15 pounds and had to make another hole in his belt (that is two holes smaller than a month ago).

The first change he made was to quit drinking coffee. Not only did this save calories (he is overly fond of the flavored 'creamers') but he is sleeping better than he can ever remember - no 'fighting' with his pillows, no tossing and turning, no waking up - and he has more energy than I can remember him having since he was much younger.

He has also been away at work.

This means that he is physically working harder than he was when at home, but it also means that he has to work very hard to eat 'properly'. When you begin your work day at 5 a.m. and do not get back to the hotel until 8 or 9 p.m., it is very tempting to stop at a fast food joint for supper - or buy processed 'quick' food. Instead, he has been buying 'real' food and cooking it for himself....after a long, hard day when he would really rather not put out the effort to do so.

As well, there is the added temptations of the food brought to the worksite by the crews who come to work for him. Someone is always providing donuts or buckets of chicken or even BBQ'ed steaks with all the trimmings. He is often being offered something that is much more tempting than a dry bun with some meat and a tomato and some yogurt. Besides the temptations of taste, there is a certain amount of peer pressure...even though he is 'the boss', (or maybe especially because of that fact) there is the social aspect of eating with those you work with.

He's only given in once in the last month.

The weight loss is obvious.....his belly is much smaller and flatter and his face is thinner.

I am very proud of him. Oh wait, I said that already, didn't I?

Of course, all this means that with his new found energy I am inspired to be able to keep up with him - and that is a good thing.

If I don't hurry up, he will weigh less than me very soon.

This is the only current photo I have of him without a jacket on - unfortunately, he is sitting down...and whistling to himself while waiting for the festivities to begin at our niece's wedding this past weekend.

WTG, Honey!

Tired, but Satisfied

2009-09-26T22:00:00.002-06:00

Does anyone remember the post I wrote a few months ago about planting potatoes?

Well, today was the culmination of that day - and the days following when we hilled and watered. Hubby was at work, but 3 of my 5 kids, their spouses and children, came out and harvested with me.

We had planted almost 400 hills of potatoes.....8 rows. In only a few hours, we had 6 1/2 rows dug up and stored in our newly cleaned out root cellar.

This root cellar is a treasure - but we have not used it because it did not have a door on it. My youngest son (20 yrs) has spent the last couple weeks building a structure over the cement stairs so we could use the cellar. It is not quite finished, but it is sufficient for the temperatures we are getting currently. For a pictoral story of the building of the cellar door, go to my photo blog - day one of the construction was Sept 13.

Anyway, thanks to Daniel - who not only built the structure, but cleaned out the old, dried up potatoes and other junk that was down there - we can now store a large amount of root vegetables.

I am tired and sore tonight....I weilded a shovel for one whole row, crawled along on my knees, digging with my hands for awhile, and then bent down and picked up the potatoes to be transferred to the cellar. As well, I provided a hearty meal for my workers at lunch time, cared for babies, and hauled tools around. For sure, I did not do nearly as much work as my sons and daughters, but they probably would not have let me, anyway.

I am tired and a little sore tonight, but OH, it feels good to be tired because of hard work!

It also feels good to have reaped the rewards of our summer's hard work.

Did I mention that my little girls (ages 6, 8 & 9) also worked steadily and hard?

I am so blessed to have such a great family!

Here are the potatoes along one side of the cellar:

Many of the potatoes were very large, as shown here, compared to the toe of my shoe:

Do you know there was not ONE potatoe with 'scabs' on them? I was amazed, since it is quite common to find blemished potatoes.

Here are some of my wonderful family, working hard:

In other news....I am doing quite well this week as far as eating is concerned. As long as I don't completely fall off the wagon, I should show a loss again next Wednesday. There is a birthday party tomorrow - which means someone else cooking for me AND birthday cake....probably my favorite kind, too, since my son and I share this preference.

I ate too much lasagna for lunch today - but I hope the extra activity made up for it. That is my only 'infraction' of the week, however. Wednesday will tell the tale.

Slow and Steady Again

2009-09-23T10:29:00.002-06:00

One pound. Yay! I do not mind a one pound a week loss.....in fact, that makes me very glad.

There was a time when I would have felt like a big fat failure if I averaged 'only' one pound a week.

Maybe that is why all those previous weight loss attempts failed miserably.

I'm happy with an average pound a week because over a year that means 52 lbs. Now, compared to 130 lbs (which I needed to lose, I thought) 52 lbs does not sound terrific....it is not even half way there! HOWEVER.....52 pounds is huge! 52 lbs would require a new wardrobe...would give renewed energy, more of a love for myself. It would win compliments, give me more confidence, spur me on to even more good choices. I know, because for the first time in my overweight life, I kept going - even when I was 'only' losing 1 pound a week - I have lost (nearly) that much.

Too bad I stalled out for awhile....I'd be in onederland, for sure by now.

But...I've learned that it is not all about whether or not I gain or lose. It is not all about how many times I eat clean or how many times I 'cheat'. Nor is it about plateaus or steady losses. It is all about learning to think differently.

Do I really care about what I put in my body?

Do I ever think about the long term consequences of living a sedentary life style?

I have learned to think about such things as sodium content, the kind of oil used, what flour is used, are spray-dried powdered eggs or milk used in the product?

I've learned to cook it myself rather than buy processed foods - that way, I can control what is in the food I eat. I've learned to enjoy preparing my food rather than just grabbing something quick - even when I'm the only one who is going to eat what I cook.

I am learning to be a healthier person - and not only on the outside! Because I learned what a difference 52 pounds makes - first hand. I gained confidence in myself by losing a pound a week for a year. Today, even with the small seback I've had, I am different than I was in Dec 2007.

I am not yet where I want to be.....I often make poor choices, I am not even in onederland yet, I am still more self-conscious than I'd like to be, and I do not make activity a part of my everyday life.

Yet.

But I KNOW that a pound a week makes a HUGE difference over time....and with every pound lost, with every mile walked, I have more time to enjoy my life and my family.

So.....I lost a pound this week!

I'm back on track!

Wednesday Report

2009-09-16T12:32:00.002-06:00

I had a good day yesterday. I felt 'in the groove' and powerful - at least as far as food is concerned. Up until then, this week was a struggle. I felt like I was tied up by the urge to eat and even though I was making an effort, I was not winning. In fact, during the week, my weight went UP....I think as high as 217 but hovering at 216.4 or so.

Yesterday, however, I woke up telling myself I was a person who was in control and who did not want to eat just for taste. (my biggest problem) I started my day with a fruit smoothie, using all my dairy and fruit exchanges for the day.

I had my perscribed snack at 'snack time' (a meal replacement bar).

I shared lunch with my daughter in law....she made a salad with tuna (and mayo) for us. I had a small portion but was satisfied. (1 veg, 1/2 protien, fat)

I ate my snack bar after I left her house (around supper time) and did not eat again until quite a lot later - when I was hungry. I had a chicken sandwich (2 carb, 1/2 protien, fat) just before I ran out the door to go into town to use my son's internet (mine was being very slow) to load some photos to my facebook albums. While there, I was offered a brownie to which I (without even thinking) said 'no thanks'. How's that for being 'in the groove'?

I was at their house until midnight, drove the 1/2 hour home, then proceeded to add captions to all my photos - keeping me up VERY late but also keeping me busy enough that I was able to ignore my growling stomach for a couple hours.

I gave in, though, at about 2 a.m. and went looking for something to eat. My fridge is a little empty right now - at least, empty of 'the good stuff' and I ended up eating a large cookie from the bakery. Definately NOT a good choice - especially so late at night. But I was hungry enough (not just wanting to eat, really hungry) that I would not have gotten to sleep well without something - and I was tired enough (naturally) that I did not want to prepare anything. So, I blew it there. Actually, I really blew it when I did not go straight to bed when I got home. If I had, I would have been fine.

So.....that brings me to my weekly weigh in........DOWN .6 lbs. Not alot, but considering I had been up most of the week, better than it looks. Actually, yesterday I lost 1.6 pounds. Of course, I am only officially counting the weekly numbers, but I feel good today. Like I am the person who eats properly, thinks about her food intake, and is progressively getting smaller.

Success breeds success.

At least for me.

I am not motivated by being told (by myself or anyone else) that I am gaining weight. I am not motivated by the thought of 'losing' all that I worked for over the last almost 2 years. I am not motivated when I look in the mirror and only see a fat woman.

I am motivated when I feel good about myself. Getting through the day yesterday without mindless 'picking' and 'snacking' made me feel successful. Looking at the number on the scale today made me feel like I CAN make good choices again today - even better choices (I did not eat as many 'exchanges' yesterday as I should have, for example...and, of course, the cookie was a no no..except it made up for the calories I did not eat). I AM a person who eats healthy foods in healthy amounts at reasonable times during the day. I do not want to eat high calorie, high sodium, high fat, loads of sugar foods. I am going to start making note of my successes - which will become more and more numerous.

Soon, folks will be seeing less of me.

The Good News is.....

2009-09-09T10:01:00.002-06:00

....I moved my ticker DOWN this morning.

That's right, I LOST 1 pound this week. YIPPEE!

The bad news is......

I don't feel any more focused than last week, really.

BUT....in spite of that fact, I do sense a bit of a change in my mind....kind of like turning the Titanic - it takes a long time for the boat to respond to the rudder. Oops, I should have used the Queen Mary or something - the Titanic did not turn soon enough to avoid disaster. I do not plan to end up like the Titanic, so change that to Queen Mary. :D

I went for all my blood work, etc at the lab yesterday (I went to the Dr. for an annual physical last week) I handed the req form (and the stool samples - yuck) to the lady at the desk then sat down in the waiting room and pulled out my book.

Several chapters later, I thought "I've read alot - I wonder what time it is?" Just then my phone indicated there was a text message from my husband. "When will you be back?" it said. I checked the time - 3:16. I had to think to remember what time it had been when I arrived, (I'm really bad when it comes to time....I have no concept of how much time has passed). I went back to dropping my granddaughters off at their house just before I came to the hospital....my son had been home for lunch. That meant that it was after 1 when I got dropped the girls off and before 2 when I arrived at the lab - probably well before 2. Well, an hour and a half is much too long to be waiting to have some blood taken, so I went up to the desk and asked how much longer it would be. She could not find my req form! Finally, she looked in a different pile and found it burried under all kinds of 'finished' reqs....she had thought I was only dropping off the stool samples - meaning she did not look at all the check marks and writing on the form! She put me in immediately - very embarassed at her lapse. Oh well, I got to read lots of my book....

All that has been said to say that I may be getting a call from my Dr in the next week or so - if anything shows up. If I don't hear from him, everything is good.

Has anyone heard of 'The Gabriel Method' of weight loss? I am about to read the first chapter of the book (available online for free). From the little bit of information available without putting out some money, it sounds kind of weird....new agey. But on the other hand, I'm the first to say that weight loss happens first in the mind - so.....

If you know anything about this book/method, please let me know.

Maybe I need to change my 'plan'....shake things up a bit, so to speak.

Or, maybe I just need to get on the treadmill every day and do a workout video 3 times a week.

Yeah, that is probably the answer, darn it.

Anyway, Hubby is still home.....no work in sight.

Our sewer backed up over the weekend.....there goes $600 down the drain (literally) but we can use our water and toilets again - a rather indispensable utility.

The guy that came out in the vac truck indicated to Jim that he could have a job with him, so ......... maybe my man will be a 'super sucker' (ick). The positive side to that would be that he would be home every night - we'd be 'normal'. Of course, we could not keep my truck and the trailer - couldn't afford the payments...but thank God we have 2 'paid for' decent vehicles. I'd have to learn to shop on a strict budget again - but I've done it for most of my life, so I'm sure I could do it again.

I am glad that I've been putting money away every month for the last year toward buying clothing as I lose weight. I will be able to clothe myself when I get to goal. In the meantime, I can wear baggy clothes or shop at the second hand store.

So, at the end of this long, rambling post......I lost 1 pound last week. I still need to focus better. I need to exercise (story of my life, right?). Our employment future is still up in the air. BUT I lost one pound.

Discouragement

2009-09-02T17:05:00.002-06:00

First of all, I want to thank those of you who faithfully check on me and those who even leave a comment or send a message saying I have been missed. Y'all bless me!

Second....yes, my son is home safe and sound. He has been home since the 21 of August. He is just beginning to look for a job and decide where he is going to live - here with us, or in the city with his brother and sister in law.

If you want a look at my day-to-day life outside of weight loss (or gain as the case may be) check out one or both of my other blogs.....the links are on the right side of this blog.

My weigh-in report is not good. This morning my weight was 216.2. Last Wednesday it was 215.8 and the Wednesday before it was 212.2. Three weeks ago I was at 213.8. So, in three weeks I have gained almost 3 pounds.

On May 8 (almost 4 months ago) I hit my lowest (so far) mark of 204.8. Of course, that was just a low point - my average weight then was more like 206. Still, that is TEN pounds less than I am today!

I swore that I would never allow this to happen.

So what has been going on? WHY have I gained?

The obvious answer is that I am eating too much of the wrong foods and not moving enough.

I do not need to flip through my food journal to find that out.

But how did I go from being a person who just did not eat chocolate to being one who 'needs' chocolate on a daily basis?

How did I go from the one who was turned off of a specific food simply because of the calorie or sodium count to one who feels deprived when she says no - when she says no?

Seriously, last fall I felt so in control of myself.....it was so easy to pass on the sweets. It was so easy to stay 'on plan'. This fall, it is totally different.

I know I have recounted different stressors in my life this year, but seriously - life is never without stress of some sort. Honestly, I have not been eating because I am stressed.....I have been 'off plan' because I've been unfocused. I have been unfaithful in writing things down. I have not been careful to drink 8 cups of water every day. I have not been weighing and measuring my food.

OK, maybe I have done SOME stress related eating.

A big change this past month has been that since Jim has been home the whole time, we have been staying up later - and watching a movie, usually. Something about sitting in front of a movie makes us want to eat. I used to 'save' specific food exchanges for evening - but I haven't been focused enough for that lately.

This all makes me think about a post I wrote last year about how I had never thought about food so much as when I was actually losing weight. I can see that I have not been thinking about what to eat, how much to eat nearly enough in the last several months.

I know WHAT to do......I just need to get back to that place where I DO it.

As most of us have discovered, that place has more to do with the mind than anything else.

I am sorry to be rather negative on this post, but I do feel quite angry with myself - and I feel again like I will never get passed this whole weight thing. I feel like I will always be a fat blob who detracts from the family pictures.

My mind tells me this is not so - I've proven that I CAN win at this game.....but my feelings seem to be yelling quite alot louder than my mind just now.

In other news......as I said, Daniel is home and looking for work. Andrew is learing to adjust to being single again. Baby Taliah is gorgeous and doing well. My daughter feels good (except for the normal sleep deprivation that comes with a newborn) for the first time in 9 months. My next granddaughter is about 4 weeks from being born. This is all good.

I've enjoyed having my husband home for the last month but we are beginning to be worried about the immediate future. The price of natural gas is at less than $3.00 per unit. The Oil/Gas company needs it to be at $4.00 in order to just 'break even'. There will be no work on any gas wells until the price goes up.

Sorry folks, but we are praying for a long, very cold winter - especially on the eastern coast of the US/Canada........the price of gas needs to go up - not only for us, personally, but for the whole industry in both Canada and the US. In Alberta, much of our economy is based on the O&G industry (mostly gas). For Jim and I......well, if there is not work in the O&G industry, a career change at this point in his life is not going to be easy for Jim. We will have to get rid of (or lose) a couple 'things' like the trailer, of course.....

This is probably the hardest thing we have going on right now. We are trusting that God will either show us favor with the O&G company so that Jim is one of the very few that continue working OR He will give us wisdom as to a new direction. Either way, it is hard not to worry.

I am going to work on FOCUS, though. I want to report a new attitude AND a loss next Wednesday.

It's Wednesday

2009-08-12T10:26:00.003-06:00

Well, it's been a busy 7 days.....not counting Monday, which was a 'do nothing but rest up from the weekend' day.

To get the bad news over with right off the bat.....I gained 1.6 pounds this week. Most of it was gained over the weekend, of course.

We had a very successful 'campout' - and I use that term loosely. We rented a Church Camp near our home.....one which all of my kids (except Lana) associate with many childhood memories, and Jim and I associate with years when our kids were young. The Church I went to camp with as a child rented this camp every year from the time my kids were small....my mom (and sometimes Jim and I as well) took all the grandkids to family camp every year - at this camp. Then, when my kids were old enough to be campers on their own, they also went here with the church that owns the camp. They all had fun looking for their names graffitti-ed on the inside of the cabin walls (and on the bunks, the floors, every permanent fixture in the cabins).

One of the best parts of renting the camp was the Dining Hall......a restaurant style kitchen at our disposal......no need to pack all kinds of cooking gear, no cooking over a two burner Coleman stove, no heating water in order to wash up......and, a place to gather to play games. (Not that I object to all these 'camping chores' - but when you only have a couple days, it is nice to spend your time 'playing' together rather than doing the extra work associated with camping)

The little ones had a playground, the big kids had a basketball court and a sport field, there was a horseshoe pit, a 'rope walk', and Saskatoon berries ripe for the picking all over the grounds.

We brought our 'Aero Bed' and set it up in one of the cabins. Next time, I think we'll sleep on the camper's bunks.....our bed did not hold the air very well, making for little sleep over the two nights we used it. We should have gone home for the night, except Vinj and Kath were using our bed (Taliah is too little to be sleeping in an uninsulated cabin at night) and Jim's folks were using our spare bed (Dad's health is such that he could not be 'camping')....Oh well, that was really the only negative aspect of the weekend - and it only affected Jim and I.

We managed to remember to take a group photo of our immediate family - (of course, our youngest son, Daniel, is missing.....he is still in Thailand with his YWAM team)

Besides 'us', Jim's parents, my mom, and Jim's sister and daughter were out for most of the weekend. My brother and SIL, my niece and her husband and 2 boys, and my 2 other nieces and my other great-nephew came out for part of the day on Sunday.

So.....now to reporting on my weight-loss efforts (or non-efforts, as the case may be).....

I did not drink all my water each day - but then, I did not drink much else, either....only one (or maybe 2) diet soft drinks and no hot chocolate.

I did NOT make use of the golf cart to get from one end of the camp to the other - even though everyone else had fun with it.....I walked (purposefully) when ever I wanted to go anywhere.

I had only 1 pancake on Saturday morning (even though the fresh raspberry sauce Lana made was delicious!) but had 3 sausages....

I had two helpings of spaghetti and meat sauce on Friday night - but that is all that was offered and I hadn't eaten all day......

I had only one hot dog for lunch Saturday.....but there were no other choices......

I did NOT have my hamburgers on buns Saturday night ......but I did have a bowl of dessert ('Sex in a Pan'......try it - you'll find out why it is called that)

I did have two helpings of French Toast with icing sugar on Sunday morning (that is 4 pieces of thick bread) I just couldn't help myself. Ah.....let's be honest.....I didn't WANT to help myself.

I did not have lunch on Sunday because breakfast was later and supper would be earlier than the night before.

I had only one small-ish serving of Lasagne Sunday night and filled up on salad.

On the 'other' list.....I had a frozen ice cream treat - the owners of the camp left us a note saying we could help ourselves to all that was left in the deep freeze - there were big buckets ice cream (none were full, but all had a good bit in them) and a box of treats.....although the kids delved into the ice cream, quite liberally, I did not have any other than the treat.

Since we got home, I've had two more servings of 'Sex in a Pan', but I've been pretty 'on plan' with my meals. Just have to get the evening snacking under control again. Of course, that is directly related to evening activities - a movie usually brings on the uncontrolable munchies. I might have to convince my man that he wants to beat me at Crib instead of watching a movie.

Well, I must go out and finish picking my raspberries for today - not a job I like, BTW, but one that must be done if I want them to keep producing.....and I do like having fresh raspberries in my fridge/freezer.

On a peripherally related note......when we got home from the campout, we found notes from Daniel, excitedly saying that they were going to spend 2 nights on an island resort.

The next afternoon, while reading the news, Jim found there had been 2 very strong earthquakes in the Indian Ocean and there was a Tsunami Warning issued for Thailand....including the resort areas on the islands just off the coast. We spent several hours trying not to worry and be scared since we did not know when Dan and his team were going to the island resort and we did not know where he was right then.

Kathryn got through to the office at the Montana base (she knows the folks there) and was assured the team was in Bangkok. I didn't really believe them, but started to relax a little. Then, the Tsunami Warning was lifted - there would be no Tidal Wave (thank God).

We still have not heard directly from Daniel, but Kath has talked to a friend who works at the YWAM base in Thailand - she said there had been no earthquakes felt there at all - and the base in Montana assures us the team is in Bangkok.

However.....Dan has not gone this long without contacting us via the internet since he got there - certainly not when he was in the city. This makes me think they are, after all, on the island.

They leave Bangkok airport for Montana on the 14th at 12:30 am Bangkok time (so that should be Thursday the 13th at 11:30 pm our time) and arrive in Kalispell at 11:35 pm August 14 (Friday). I will be very relieved when he can text me that he is back in North America.

This has been an underlying worry....not a huge cause for stress, since nothing really has changed since he left for Thailand in June, but - well, if you are a parent, you understand.

We (or at least I - depending on if Jim gets called to work) leave on the 19th to go pick Daniel up and bring him home!

Weighing In Again

2009-08-06T09:36:00.002-06:00

Well, it is a day late again - my routine definately gets thrown off when Jim is home for an extended time. Not that I'm complaining!

I gained this week - and lost - for an end result of a gain of .8 lbs.

What can I say?

I'm having a hard time staying away from sweets.....'gourmet' cookies at the grocery store, chocolate bar 'singles', chocolate cake......no binges on any of them, but too many small pieces on a day to day basis.

On a positive note, I've been drinking lots more water again and I've been writing down everything I eat.

I seldom have time to sit and ponder 'why' I eat what I do....mostly, I think, I am just undisciplined - no head games involved, no big emotional reasons, just bad habits that I've allowed to develop again over time.

I am a procrastinator - I find it too easy to tell myself I'll deal with something 'later' or 'tomorrow'. This is true in my health/eating habits as well.

One of my major infractions of this past week was not eating breakfast (and I haven't eaten yet this morning, even though I've been up for 1 1/2 hrs) I still wake up hungry, but I ignore it until lunch time. According to the wisdom of the plan that I followed to lose almost 50 pounds, eating enough is as important as not eating too much - and breakfast is ultra important. I know - that is wisdom that is not limited to the LA Weight Loss Center's plan....it is just wisdom. So, part of my problem has been NOT eating everything on my plan.

So, today is the day I begin to follow my plan religiously again.

Tomorrow our family begins our annual 'family campout' - only this year, we are not exactly camping - we have rented the local church's 'Bible Camp'....just 10 minutes down the road from our house. We will have a fully stocked kitchen, bathrooms, showers, cabins, a lake, canoes, a playground....... I expect this arrangement will work real well. AND it will be less expensive than renting the primitive group campgrounds out in the mountains. Since our newest baby is not quite 3 weeks old, and the night time temperatures will be below 10C, Vinjelu and Kathryn will be spending the nights at our house so they do not need to worry about bundling little Taliah up too much.

sidenote.....Jim and I lost a baby girl when we were camping in 1980 - the cause was officially 'Sudden Infant Death Syndrome' (Crib Death) but in the years since then, much has been learned about what could have caused many SIDS deaths - CO2 poisoning caused by the baby breathing in her own expelled air with not enough oxygen rich air to replace it. (That is why the common practice now is to lay babies on their backs rather than on their tummies, as we were taught to do.) In our case, since we were camping in the mountains where the night time temperatures drop significantly, our baby was bundled up, on her tummy, and her 'crib' was covered with blankets to keep the chill off. Of course, we do not know for certain that this caused the SIDS, but ....... (If you are interested, I have written a little about this experience here....it is in the middle or so of the post)

So, you can see why we are a little overprotective of Taliah in this circumstance.

Anyway, we are beginning a weekend where I have little control over the food offered. Each family is responsible for a meal which they prepare for everyone. I will bring healthy alternatives for myself, just in case the meals offered are way out of line for me. Jim and I are responsible for 2 meals - a supper and a lunch. It is a fun way for everyone to be able to serve each other and to contribute to the weekend. Each family is also assigned to be a helper to another family who is supplying the meal, so everyone is on KP twice over the weekend. (Except me and Jim - we are 'on' three times....but we're the hosts, so...)

But...I might as well begin today to bring more discipline into my eating habits - if I wait until after the weekend there will just be something else to distract me....August is pretty booked up with special events.

Summertime takes away from computer time - which is not a bad thing - I notice many of you have not posted as often as usual lately. I am assuming that y'all are enjoying the outdoors, vacations, and family time! Isn't summer great!?

Well, I am off to have breakfast then to town for groceries so I can begin my meal preps for the weekend.....this will be my first trip into Camrose since the storm last Saturday that took down the stage at the big Country Music event our town hosts every year. Ever heard of 'Big Valley Jamboree'? It is a long weekend FULL of country music's biggest stars. This year's bigeest headliners were Josh Turner, Gary Allen, Billy Currington, and Tim McGraw (those are the only ones I can remember since I don't go to the concerts). Just before Currington finished up his show, someone came on stage and told everyone to get off.....there is an area ON stage where fans who hold VIP tickets can sit. Seconds later, a strong 'sheer wind' collapsed the enormous stage - throwing instruments, sound equipment, and other debris around the concert area. One woman was killed when a speaker fell on her - she didn't even have time to leave her seat. Several others were critically injured and many had injuries that took them to the hospital for immediate care.

We were in our 'other' town - at church - when the storm hit us first...but we were in the basement and were barely aware of it. (see my photo post for our experience).

Our son Andrew was at BVJ - with a VIP pass. We spent some anxious moments until we managed to get through to him (cell towers were jammed) after someone interupted our activities at church to tell us of the tragedy.

It must have been horrific for those who were there.

We, in Western Canada, do not often experience severe weather like this - oh, we have funnel clouds a few times a year - and once in awhile one actually touches down - in a farmer's field....but weather that causes tragedy and takes lives? - very seldom. It is one of the best things about living in Alberta.

Our home was on the southern fringe of the storm - no damage...just a few light weight things blown off the deck....nothing that doesn't happen several times a summer.

And BTW...just for some closure to the subject.....the rest of the concerts (Saturday night and into Sunday night) were cancelled. The first time in 20 years that any concerts at BVJ were cancelled - in spite of some pretty nasty weather (temperature -wise) in past years.

That was kind of a negative way to end this post, sorry.

Wish me luck over the weekend!

WI Report

2009-07-30T10:26:00.003-06:00

It's a day late, but I'm reporting my weekly weigh in results.

Are you ready for it? (Drum roll, please)

A LOSS of 2.4 lbs.

Yay!

I'm still not too happy with the actual weight, since I was hovering around 207 for several weeks in May/June....BUT I'm on the way back there!

It has been another busy week - although not so hectic as last week.

My daughter and grandbaby are doing well, my hubby is home for some time off (2 days? 2 weeks? 2 months? who knows?) (2 weeks would be nice)

We are, however, having frustrations with our internet.....we are paying for satelite internet and have a wireless router.....BUT the router hasn't worked for some time. So, we've been setting up 'ad hoc' networks on one computer or the other and that way we could both be connected at the same time. But even that hasn't been working for the last month or so.....consequently, when Jim is home, only one of us can be on the internet at a time - frustrating because we like to do things together when we are together. :D

My eating habits are still in need of more discipline and I need to incorporate exercise into my days (the story of my life). On the positive side, I'm back to writing everything down (and I mean everything). Obviously, since I show a loss this week, I've done something right when it comes to food choices. I'm just not quite happy with my mindset yet....but it is coming.

I guess it was just too good to be true - the way my thinking had changed so completely. I was finding it quite easy to let old habit fall away, to think 'healthy' all the time, to avoid the pitfalls, to be happy with a small portion of a sweet only once in awhile......I thought it was 'easy' for me because I had tried and failed so many times....that this time, something just 'clicked'. Well that is true....something did just 'click' in my brain - and it carried me through just past a year.

I found, however, that even though the 'new' habits were pretty well entrenched, a prolonged period of stress and grief rubbed the sharpness off them. I guess it is just a matter of sharpening those habits back up so that they are more effective again.

Well, I'm off to enjoy some time with my hubby - after he takes his turn on the internet - have a great day! Maybe I'll find time to be back before next WI day....I hope so, but if I'm not here, I'll be at my other blog at least twice.

Hope y'all have a successful week!

Taliah Hope

2009-07-23T10:56:00.002-06:00

A couple posts back, I announced the birth of Taliah Hope Muyaba. In that post, I alluded to prayers answered and the fact that I had been with Kathryn the entire time.

If you are interested in reading about the experience, the answered prayers, and evidence that I can be extremely opinionated at times, go to this link for my "Musings from Me" blog.

Feel free to leave a note if you visit me there!

Wednesday report.....not so good

2009-07-22T12:30:00.003-06:00

This has got to be a quick, short post because I need to get going in to town to look after my daughter......this business of sending new moms home as soon as 24 hours is up really is not wise, IMHO. But that is fodder for another post.

Today, I am coming face to face with the realization that I am no longer losing. In fact, I am gaining.

Now, most of you will probably say...."DUH! We knew that!" If you pay attention, you do know that.

I, however, have the uncanny ability to drift through life ignoring anything that I do not want to bother me. I can put things off until disaster strikes.

My scale this morning read 213.8. That is not the highest it has been of late, but it is still 7 pounds higher than my lowest weight. Worse, just going by memory, I am only about 12 pounds less than I was last year at this time.

Twelve pounds in a year!

That is not a 'slow but steady' weight loss - that is almost standing still!

There have been alot of things going on since the beginning of this year - true. But there were alot of things going on the year I WAS losing weight consistently. So that cannot be an excuse.

I think I just let the stresses I've been under this year nudge me a little bit off track. Not alot.... there has been no major crash, no big binges, no major changes......just small changes here and there that have finally caught up with me.

I've been trying for the last couple weeks to refocus, but it is very hard to get 'back in the zone' of thinking differently.

A year ago I found it easy to say no to birthday cakes. This year, I don't even think of saying no.

A year ago I wouldn't have even considered eating certain things that this year I eat without thought.

A year ago I did not eat anything without weighing or measuring it first and I wrote down everything that went into my mouth.

This year, I 'estimate' instead of weighing and I am very inconsistent with my food journal.

I know what I need to do.....I'm just having a hard time grabbing that brass ring again.

On the bright side, I CAN see a glimmer of light in my brain.....I am beginning to want what I had (a feeling of success) more than what I have (a lazefaire attitude toward food and exercise).

I hope to be able to report a renewal in my thinking and attitude by next Wednesday.

In the meantime, there are just two more birthdays to get through this month. July is our busiest month.....and we've just added another July birthday! (Beginning on the 11th, there are now eight birthdays in July - and that doesn't count a niece and a few close friends!) My goal is to refuse the cake at the last two birthdays.

I'll let you know how I do.

GREAT NEWS!

2009-07-20T00:24:00.002-06:00

Taliah Hope arrived today, July 19.....(her due date).....at 2:24 p.m. She weighed 7 lbs 3 oz and is 50 cm long (I do not know, off hand, the conversion for 50 cm - I don't think in cm and meters. )

It is now 12:30 am - Monday, July 20 - and I have been up since 2 a.m. on Sunday. I am not going to write a long post.....I just wanted to let y'all know the good news!

Kathryn did terrific! A much easier time than last......with several answers to prayer. I was there for the entire time - a privilege and an honor.

But these things are going to have to wait for another post - maybe. I have big brother Seth overnight and will be taking him back to town tomorrow so I do not know when I'll have time for a good post.

Until then, here are a few photos of our little sweetheart......

For more photos, go to this link for my first facebook album of Taliah Hope.

I'm going to bed a happy, relieved, blessed woman.

Workout for arms and shoulders.

2009-07-17T10:55:00.004-06:00

As you know, if you ever read this blog, exercise and myself do not get along real well. There are several reasons for this, one being the fact that it takes up so much time - time I could spend doing the many 'sit down' things that I love.

Well, I found an exercise that maybe I can handle - it doesn't sound too hard and takes only minutes a day - literally. The exercise targets the upper arms and shoulders, and after all, I need strength in my arms and shoulders to work at the computer, hold a camera, hold a book, cut and paste to make scrapbooks, and of course, I need strength in my arms and shoulders in order to hold babies and toddlers. Besides, I'd dearly love to wear sleeveless tops some day.

And, I have to give credit where credit is due.....I came across this exercise at "Living to Tell the Story".....the owner of this blog, Susanne, is the host of a weekly meme in which I participate called "Friday's Favorite Five". Wanna see my list of favorites for this week? Once there, you can always go to my lables and pick out Fave Five or Friday's Favorite Five to see other lists. Or, just check back weekly for new lists.

Back to the exercise. See? I procrastinate about exercise even when it is just writing about it.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, with plenty of room on each side. With a 5 lb. potatoe sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there for as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find you can hold this position just a bit longer. Do not lock your elbows.

After a couple weeks, move up to 10 lb sacks.

Then try 50 lb sacks and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 lb potatoe sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for a whole minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potatoe in each sack.

ROFLMHO

2009-07-11T23:10:00.002-06:00

So I wrote a whole post this morning about my day yesterday and why the numbers on the scale this morning should have showed some kind of loss.........

I wrote it in WORD because so often my computer will simply erase whole sections of what I write and Blogger doesn't have an undo button. I often do this, then copy and paste it into Blogger.

HOWEVER, it won't let me paste!!! What's with that?

I've also been having problems with posting photos....it won't let me move them around.

I am getting a little frustrated with this program.

Anyway, the reason I wrote what I did was because the scale showed a 3 pound GAIN this morning!

I did not follow my 'plan' perfectly, but I was not out of line as far as calories go..... I drank all my water, and then some......AND I worked hard for 3 hours, hilling about 250 potatoe plants with my husband. I was so sore and tired after that, I could barely make it out of the garden and onto the tractor for the ride back to the house.

I was a little frustrated, to say the least. And, all day I've felt FAT. Really, 3 pounds shouldn't make me feel fat....it must be all in my head, but when I feel fat, I act fat.....that is, I act like I am unattractive and insecure. I don't like me when I act like that. All because the scale tells me the opposite of what I think it should say.

Ah well.....the numbers on the scale are, after all, the epitome of fickle. It will all work out in the end - or OFF the end, as the case may be.

Photos to go with the post below

2009-07-08T13:27:00.004-06:00

This is most of the east half of our field.....all 'voluntary' grasses. In other words....weeds. We keep it mowed so it looks nice and so the weeds don't become a problem for our farmer neighbors.

I bought 2 'patio tomatoes' from the greenhouse this spring. When I picked them up at the beginning of June, they already had plenty of fruit on them.....I cannot wait for these to ripen so I can have 'fresh off the vine' tomatoes on my back deck.

My flower 'gardens' are in containers displayed on the back deck. No weeding necessary. Detracts from the shabbiness of our run down back deck.

We planted almost 400 hills of potatoes. I can't get the whole garden in one photo, but this is most of them - as of this past Sunday. They need to be hilled - and weeded - badly, but it is too muddy this week.

These are my 4 raised beds at the west side of our yard......these have suffered from the lack of moisture and the lack of consistent heat.....many seeds did not even germinate. I have replanted several rows - hopefully, we'll get some sunshine after this week of rain and the new seeds will prosper.

The weeds, however, have done well. I've had to keep on top of the weeding as much as I've had to make sure to water for an hour a day.

Weighing In

2009-07-08T13:13:00.003-06:00

I am happy to report a 1.2 pound LOSS over the past 7 days. I am still above the mark where I had stabalized before gaining, but hey.....I'm going in the right directiona again! And 1.2 pounds is nothing to complain about! In fact, I'm quite happy with it.

The last few days have been mostly rainy, but I fear it is too little, too late for the farmers in my community. And, of course, with the rain comes some humidity - putting us under Tornado Watch this afternoon. Any tornado that develops will be 'weak' and not likely to touch down, but still.....I HATE tornadoes! In fact, I hate the threat of tornadoes. It was the daily Tornado watches and warnings that made me happy to move away from Louisiana last spring.

So, my garden is muddy, and the sky bears watching so I'll be working inside today - beginning with paying some bills and probably progressing to working on my basement.

Maybe I'll even get caught up on my photo blog.....I'm about a week behind.

I am slowly getting back into the mindset of healthy eating - I even drank all my water yesterday! Still not perfect, but the mind change is easier this time - not as much as a change, since I hadn't completely backslid. :D Most of my exercise has come in the form of working in the yard/garden.

The lack of rain and heat (I know, sounds paradoxical) has resulted in a rather pathetic garden, but the potatoes are growing, the onions are doing well, and the veggies I bought as bedding plants are doing well. The weeds have not been stunted by the less than perfect weather - especially the thistles - so I've had lots of opportunity to use the hoe and crawl around on my hands and knees. Also, since the 'grass' in the field is all 'voluntary' , it has not suffered from the lack of moisture and I've had to keep it cut at least once a week.

That is my report on exercise over the last couple weeks.

I will post some photos of my gardens in a separate post....

One of my challenges, lately

2009-07-06T11:45:00.002-06:00

This spring, my son Robert suggested we begin a new family 'tradition' of a weekly gathering at 'Mom and Dad's' on Sundays. This suggestion was met with enthusiasm by us - I mean, who wouldn't be excited about the prospect of all their kids and grandkids gathering every week?

So, a few months ago, we embarked on this new tradition - and have included Jim's sister and her family in the open invitation since they are 'family' as well, and live just a few miles from us (closer than any of our kids).

These events have turned into quite the production for Jim and I ...... and we love it! It is an excuse to clean house together at least once a week (remember, there are only the two of us here) and an opportunity to cook for and serve our family. We have fun planning the menu (which really doesn't change too much from week to week) and preparing the food.

Sunday morning we clean, making sure things are in order and the floors are clean for the little ones to be crawling around on them, and put the finishing touches on the food. By lunch time, usually Andrew is there (number 3 son) and we begin to wait for the rest.

Usually, by 3:00 everyone has arrived and the chaos and noisy banter is at full tilt. As long as it is not cold, windy, or raining, we are sitting outside. The little kids are playing on the trampoline, the tractor, the yard toys, or riding the little bicycle. The big kids are throwing a ball around, chasing after their children or dogs, visiting, or are inside seeing what they can do to help me. Usually, at least Andrew is playing a guitar, sometimes there is 'canned' music also in the background, and always there is loud talking, laughing, and teasing going on. Sometimes, the boys will test one another's strength by having a 'wrestling match'.

Yesterday, Andrew had brought his electric guitar and amp with him so there was some heavy guitar picking going on - with Auntie Mel demanding he play the 'whole song' and Andrew insisting that the whole song was just a repeat of the same chords and licks he had just played - the only difference being vocals - which he was not going to provide. Then Jim brought out my iPod and played some 'Petra' (heavy Christian Rock) for Andrew to play along with. This got everyone teasing me about my choices of music (Petra is 'so 80's'). Rob insisted (with a twinkle in his eye) there was 'no good music' on my iPod. Jim jumped to 'defend my honor' and said "You want to hear what Mom's got on her iPod?" He proceeded to play a song by Joe Walsh that embarassed me thoroughly - giving my kids a great laugh (and a bit of a shock). Never mind which song. LOL. But I digress.....

With all the joy this tradition is bringing, it IS a challenge for me to not eat too much.

Grilled hamburgers have become the most economical and easiest meal to make - and always heartily welcomed because they are just SO good! Since we are mostly eating outside, we plan cold sides.....and what would those be? Potato salad and jello with whipped cream are standard - always there. As well, we will have at least two other sides....yesterday, we had a fresh veggie plate and a layered salad (lettuce, celery, green pepper, peas, miracle whip, cheese and bacon bits). ALWAYS, there is dessert - whatever Jim wants is my guide - yesterday we had 4 different kinds of pies with ice cream (purchased at Safeway, not homemade) but most of the time I bake a chocolate cake or poppyseed cake to serve with ice cream.

Notice the positive side of this.....NO chips, plenty of veggies, good lean meat. This is not only for my sake, and for Jim's sake, it is to be an example to our children that you CAN have healthy food that tastes good. All food that is made with miracle whip is made with Low Fat, Low Cal product. The hamburger is extra lean. The homemade cakes are made with whole wheat flour, brown sugar, and no fat sour cream rather than buttermilk and there is always 98% FF, SF ice cream available.

It is not the choices that are the problem for me.....it is the temptation to eat too much. These are the kinds of events where it is much too easy to load up my plate, eat it all, then go back for another full plate - just because it tastes so good. I pretty much always eat too much.

I say all this to let you in on a weekly event/challenge in my life. And to say that when I step on the scale on Monday morning and I weigh the SAME as on Sunday morning, I celebrate just a little.

Today was a day of a little celebration.....I am the same today as yesterday morning. Weight-wise, that is......I am a little more full of love and joy after spending the evening laughing with my family.

Fitflops

2009-06-29T16:50:00.003-06:00

As a person who carries way more weight than my frame is meant to support, SHOES are a major issue.

My poor feet were always tired and sore, carrying around more than 100 extra pounds. It's better now, since I've lost nearly 50 of those pounds, but I'm still 60+ pounds overweight and my feet suffer for it.

Finding a comfortable shoe that helps to support the fat is always a challenge.

I have a pair of leather shoes that I bought several years ago. They are comfy but rather heavy - if I spend a whole day on my feet my calves get tired from the weight on my feet but on a normal day, they are great.

Except in the summertime. Who wants to wear leather shoes and socks when the sun is hot, the grass is green, and the flowers are blooming?

Not me, that's for sure.

But sandles are a challenge.

To begin with, the straps have to go over just the right part of the foot or they are too tight and uncomfortable.

I have a pair of flip flops that feel GREAT on the top of my foot, but they are completely flat and only about 1/4 " thick at the sole. I can wear them to look nice, but I walk slower and my feet get sore VERY quickly.

So, a couple weeks ago I set off on a quest to find some comfortable flipflops or sandles that would give me enough support to keep me walking at a brisk pace. I was willing and expected to pay at least $50 to accomplish both goals.

Oh, one other criteria....they had to be at least semi attractive - I like my footwear to be as feminine as possible given my weight challenges.

After trying on several nice looking flipflops, I was directed to a display of these 'new' flipflops:

- OK, I was going to put a photo of them here but blogger won't let me move the photo and I'm not going to rewrite everything before this point just so I can have a photo. Sorry

I was told two things.....A) Oprah endorses these shoes. (whoopee) and B) they will actually make you lose inches off your butt if you wear them. (yeah, right)

They are not very pretty, but they're not ugly, either.

I tried them on and walked around the store for about 5 minutes. THAT sold me. I was suprised at how comfortable they were.

The shoes came with a 'warning' to begin wearing them gradually as the workout aspect of them would result in sore muscles.

Uh...no. I began by wearing them all day. That night, I went to bed WITHOUT sore, tired feet for the first time in so long I can't remember. I hadn't even really realized that my feet were always sore until the achy, tired feeling was not there!

Seriously, folks - I have not been asked to endorse this product, and I did not recieve a free pair to 'review'. I just paid my $80 and started to wear them.

I cannot say that they provide a workout for my butt and legs, as advertised - I never experienced the sore muscles they warn of, and I did not take my measurements before so as far as that sales gimmick goes - no comment.

I could care less if Oprah likes them.....(sorry, Oprah fans)....but I care that I can wear them all day and feel that my weight is being properly supported. I can walk around all day without thinking about my feet.

If I could, I'd rather have some sandles that are prettier - but I'll leave those for the day I reach my goal and my body is in proper proportion to my feet.

If you want to see this product go to this link. Or 'google' Fitflops.

I bought the shoe in navy - although red is my favorite color, (see photo at the link) I felt that the contrast of the white and red attracted too much attention to the 'chunkiness' of the shoe.

Anyone else have problems finding a good shoe?

Did you Miss Me? I've Missed YOU!

2009-06-24T16:45:00.002-06:00

Well, here I am again, my tail between my legs, apologizing for my absence. I re-read my previous posts since April ..... WOW I have been negative lately.

No more.

I am not going to sit here any longer, mad at myself because I cannot seem to rise above things that I make bigger than they are.

Success in my home, my personal life, and my health are interlinked. As soon as I begin to let myself feel like a failure in one area, I begin to ACT like a failure in every area.

I have not lost weight in a long time - in fact, from my lowest weight to today, I've GAINED 8 pounds. I've quit recording what I'm eating and have not weighed and measured my food. On the positive side, I have remained very aware of my choices and have only had a couple instances where I've 'abandoned ship' - in fact, most of the weight gain has been in the last week.

I've been struggling with 'catching up' in areas of my business and home - and feeling overwhelmed with it all. I let that feeling of being overwhelmed leech over to the way I think about myself - resulting in a negative outlook on all areas of my life.

The fact is that I was behind on bookkeeping for our business - In April, I had to devote much concentrated time to that, resulting in less work in the house. Then, I had to scurry to get some of the garden planted....then Jim got called to work (a very good thing) and suddenly, I had the added responsibility of daily yard work and garden work. I quickly began to feel like I would never catch up - never get a handle on it - and I began to tell myself that I was a failure again.

I hate when I talk to myself like that - it results in my ACTING like a failure....I can't decide what is priority, I can't even take the first step toward accomplishing anything - thus confirming my own diagnosis.

Jim was forced to come home for a day because of rain where he is working - he worked his tail off, getting the yard work caught up and inspiring me to 'just do it' on behalf of the garden. He set things up so the watering will be easier for me (we've not had any rain and our gardens are a LONG way apart and a long way from the tap). If I get on the tractor everyday for an hour or so, the grass should be controllable. The yard is not such a problem (since there has been no rain, it isn't growing very fast) but Jim has worked hard the last couple seasons to groom the field. I don't know how big it is, but rather than have it grow up in weeds and have the County keep on stopping in to tell us to get rid of the thistles, tansy, and chamomille, he spent many hours rototilling it - keeping it black. When he was working, Daniel took over. Last year, he judged that there was now more grass than weeds and he began to mow instead of rototill. He has kept it mowed all spring and it looks very nice as you drive toward our place. When he went to work 2 weeks ago, he told me it had to be done every 6 days or the grass would get so long that the tractor would overheat while cutting it - I managed to get it done once. He had a big job to get it done yesterday but the yard work is pretty much all caught up.

One of the major stumbling blocks for me when Jim is at work is that I do not like to go to bed when he's gone. I end up staying up WAY TOO LATE, watching movies mostly - then, I am either exhausted all day or I don't get up until after 10, making me feel like a lazy slob.

I have made a decision - to consider the time that Jim is at work as time that I am at work. I will be going to bed so that I am asleep well before midnight - even if that means that I do not 'get to' watch my planned movies (which are really not movies, but old TV series on DVD). I will get up by 7:30 am so that I can do yard work before the sun gets too warm then work inside for the afternoon - in my air conditioned home - and then back outside after the sun begins to cool a bit. I can mow for an hour from 9 - 10 pm when the air is pleasant instead of hot.

I've also begun to write down everything I eat - and count the exchanges so I am balancing protein with carbs with veggies with fruit with dairy and fat. I've done this for 2 days now - and I lost TWO pounds since yesterday.

My other resolution is to participate in this blog community. I will post twice a week on this blog and read/comment on other blogs for 30 minutes/day.

I'm counting on y'all to help me to stay focused.

I'm counting on my renewed resolve to combat the negative self-talk, reminding myself that I am NOT a failure! I am well on my way to Success!

So, in the interest of doing what I say, I am going to quit talking and start doing. I'm sure there is some laundry that needs doing - and my spare room needs some TLC.

I'm looking forward to reconnecting with you, my friends!

No, I've not disappeared

2009-06-01T17:56:00.000-06:00

No, I haven't disappeared, nor have I given up.

At least 3 times a week I sit down to write a post for this blog but get distracted or pulled away before I begin. The biggest problem has been that I haven't felt like I have anything to say. I haven't continued to lose weight but I also haven't gone off the deep end and gained a whole lot of weight. In fact, as of this morning, I am only 1 pound heavier than my ticker says. Yesterday, I was a pound under. I have been as low as 204 in the last month, though, so I have gained from that point.

What's going on? Well, I could run through a list of things that have changed in my life, but there is no real correlation between those changes and my lack of diligence to my 'diet'. The reality is that dozens of little things have added up to prevent weight loss. It is the little decisions I make everyday, because there have not been any 'huge fall off the wagon' kinds of events......just the small 'one piece won't hurt' kind of decisions. The truth is that 'one piece won't hurt' or 'just this once' is OK for me - it really doesn't make a difference IF it is truly 'just this once'. Unfortunately, 'just this once' has been quite often this spring.

I'm not beating myself up about it, though......I haven't given up and I am always aware of what/how much I am eating........the main thing is that for the most part, in spite of several VERY stressful situations, I have been enjoying life. I still want to be stronger, healthier, and closer to a 'normal' size - and I know how to get there, I am simply facing the facts that I need to learn how to incorporate the eating habits I want into a busier life.

So.....what's been going on?

First - the 'biggie' that I have not talked about but only alluded to......at the end of February, my son's wife walked out on him. There was no warning and he had NO IDEA she was unhappy. In fact, just 2 weeks before she walked, she posted on facebook (and I quote) "my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me and I would completely and utterly lost without him" . This is my #3 son - they had been married for 5 years. Not only was my son completely devastated, our family was shocked and hurt. We all miss our daughter/sister since she has had no contact with any of us - other than a chance meeting in town once - and has not returned phone calls. My son did not want anyone to know about this (and still doesn't want his private business the subject of gossip) but he has now pretty much accepted that there is no resolution in the near future. They went together for counceling twice - then she said she wasn't going anymore. He is still meeting regularly with the councellor. We are very proud of our son - he is walking a difficult path and is making good decisions along the way. He has used this heartbreak to become a stronger man and has drawn closer to God along the way.

Second - Jim works in the Oil/Gas industry. This industry is a 'boom/bust' industry and goes through cycles. For several reasons, it is currently in a bust cycle. The worst bust we have seen in the 30 years we have been in the industry. Jim is one of the top few men in his position with the company he contracts to but we have no news of any work for the summer/fall. This could change in an instant, but at the moment.........our future is very shaky. We do not have a lot of savings - what we save over the winter keeps us going for the spring when there is never any work. Spring is over - summer work should be starting. Will we get a call? So far, we haven't stressed about it since we always prepare to pay the bills until July. That means June is fine - but we need work this month to pay for the next month. We need at least 2 weeks a month in order to pay the bills.

Third - Daughter Kathryn has had a very stressful pregnancy - she is sick every single day she is pregnant and without her anti-nausea meds (Vit B in high doses) she would not be able to function. This fact means that she eats little - which of course affects the baby. She also cannot keep her vitamins down most days so there is danger the baby is malnourished. For the last 4 weeks, she has been getting contractions if she walks for more than 4 minutes. The doctor examined her - she was not going into labor, but he told her not to walk anywhere (she doesn't drive). For the last 2 weeks, she had been getting severe pain in her groin area (as well as pressure, which is fairly normal) She went to the hospital about the pain - they gave her no answers.

Last week she went to the doctor for a regular check up. (She was 32 1/2 weeks at the time) Here is what we are faced with:

he is concerned about the pain and has no explaination for it
Her Blood Pressure is UP an her hemoglobin is DOWN
He had trouble finding Baby's heartbeat and when he found it, it was quite faint
she is at -4 for weight gain - that is, she is still 4 pounds under her pre pregnancy weight. She initially lost 18 pounds in the first few months when she was actually throwing up (enough it would put her in the hospital) she has gained only 14 pounds since she stopped losing.
The uterus is 'laying funny' (that is what she remembers of what the doc said)
He forbade her to make the trip to Montana we were planning for this past weekend because he said he didn't want her to 'deliver early on the side of the road' (there are no hospitals between Calgary and Kalispell)
He sent her for an emergency 'Bio-Physical Ultrasound' the next day. In the Canadian health care system you do NOT get an ultrasound within 24 hours! Unless it is an emergency. Normally, you have to have your ultrasound booked weeks in advance.
By the end of the day she went to the doctor, she couldn't remember the last time Baby had moved so we went to the hospital for a stress test. Baby's heartbeat was found immediately and it seemed to be normal. She also started kicking as soon as the monitor belts were put on around Kath's belly.
Kathryn and Vinj returned from the ultra sound at about 4 pm - her doctor's clinic would be closing within an hour and a half - on a FRIDAY. So, Kath started phoning and insisting that the doc call the radiologist for an initial report so they did not have to wonder all weekend if there was something wrong with their baby girl. The doctor called her back - spoke to her for about 5 seconds and told her there is no emergency for the baby.
At the ultra sound they were told only two things......the baby is in breech position (still time for that to change) and she is only 3 lbs 10 oz. Very small for her age.

We still do not know why she is experiencing the pain - which makes coping with a 1 year old, a home, a job, and university studies pretty difficult. We still don't know if the ultra sound showed any problems that would not be labled an 'emergency'. We will probably not know until Thursday when she has another doctor appointment booked.

Forth - Youngest Son, Daniel, is at school in Montana. He will be leaving in about 10 days for his 'field assignment' in Thailand and Cambodia. We are going to go visit him this week or this weekend. I will miss being able to see him off at the airport - I've never sent any of my kids off around the world without being at the airport when they left....I don't even know what airport Dan is leaving from - there are none near where he is. BUT he has been enjoying his experience and his studies and is looking forward with excitement to the experience of living in a foreign land for 2 months.

Fifth - We are attempting to plant a garden large enough to store vegetables for the winter. The weather has been a challenge. We had snow a week or so after we planted our potatoes - but not enough to give much moisture. We have not had a drop of rain all spring. We are still getting frost warnings at night. I have gotten some of the garden planted, but we are also bringing in dirt from the field (better condition than the garden dirt) and building raised beds - this kind of slows us down a bit. We are not behind, by any means, since the cold weather plants are all in, but I am still not sure we can handle such a large undertaking on our own (as in - no kids living at home to help).

The positive aspects of this are: Jim and I get to work together, it is always exciting to see the results of hard work, we will have fresh/frozen/canned veggies for the winter that we grew ourselves, I have learned MUCH as I studied about gardening for the last several months - learning is always a plus.

Sixth - We've been enjoying lots of time with our kids/grandkids.....including the little girls' soccer games twice a week. Also, we've stated that Sundays are 'open house at the farm'.....whoever can make it gathers at our house on Sunday for the afternoon and for supper. This has been a great weekly event! We've also been able to spend time with each of the kids in their homes - something that doesn't happen much during the winter

Seventh - Jim hurt his back last Friday, working at Vinj and Kath's while they were at the UltraSound. He was unable to move without extreme pain all weekend. It is getting better, but he is still in pain and must be very careful not to reinjure it. This puts a stop to building more raised beds in the garden for a few days. It also delays the work he needs to do on his truck in case he gets a call to go to work.

Eight - Son number 2 began a new job yesterday. He is working now for his FIL. This is good - he will have much more time with his wife and kids since his old job had him working every weekend and holiday and 5 days a week from 10 am - 10 pm for not a whole lot of money. Son number 3 (the one whose life has been turned upside down by his wife) has not had much work all winter/spring. Just when he thought he had steady work for the summer, that job seems to have fallen through. He is, however, at an interview right now for another job - one that will keep him at home (the other job was working away).

I could go on.....there is so much happening in my life just now - some of it stressful, some of it happy. Let's just say that we believe that when Jesus said "I will never leave you or forsake you" He meant it. We have Peace in each of the difficult situations we face. We have faith that He will see us through whatever is in our future - no matter how difficult. We count our blessings often:

We love each other,
We are together all day every day for now,
We have great kids and grandkids, and get to be with them often and we all get along well
Although we are both over-weight and are getting older, we have good health and we have the potential of being stronger than we are.

Where does weight loss fit in with all this? Just a little more discipline - I think if I were to make myself write down EVERYTHING I eat EVERY DAY I would be back to losing. It has only been since I have not been as disciplined in this area that things have stalled out. Also, taking part in this blog community regularly is another small discipline that makes a difference - even if I don't think I have anything to say.....because obviously, I had lots to say when I thought I didn't have anything to say! (LOL)

In the meantime, I am enjoying my life and the good gifts God has given to me.

Re-directing

2009-05-07T12:31:00.003-06:00

No, I am not going in another direction, I am re-directing YOU.....if you want, that is.

My post today is on my 'other blog'....Musings From Me. It has nothing to do with weight or weight-loss, but if you are interested in learning something about ME, then allow me to redirect you......

Spring

2009-05-05T13:46:00.004-06:00

Thank you, all for the caring comments left on my last post.

This blog is helpful to me....that includes my reading of your blogs and your comments on my posts - you keep me motivated and inspired.

My days and evenings have had to be reorganized, of course, since Jim has been home now for about a month. It is wonderful to be able to share all my days and evenings with him - but it means that the time I used to spend blogging is now largely used in other activities.

We spend more time with our kids as a large group when Jim is home - partly because when he is home, it ISN'T WINTER!!!!

If you don't live in a cold climate, you may not appreciate how much less time we tend to spend indoors in the spring/summer. We are forced to stay inside for much of the winter due to cold weather and short days. Consequently, we gravitate to the outdoors when the days get longer and the snow is gone and the air warm and pleasant. Even when it is on the colder side, relatively speaking, we will sit outside just because it isn't winter anymore!

Spring also brings sports......when our kids were young, it was softball and baseball. Spring meant that we were at the ball field every. single. night. of the week.

Weekends included.

From mid-April until the end of July.

We had up to 4 kids in ball at one time....all on different teams. There have been a few years since our youngest quit playing, but this spring, our granddaughters are in soccer (we'd rather watch ball, but.....soccer is what is available in our small town)

Last night was the first game/practice for Emma (almost 9 yrs old).

We are laughing at Rob, who is a little panicked at realizing he will need to be at the soccer field 4 nights every week. His 3 girls are all on different teams. Of course, Grampa and Gramma need to be there to watch them play! (At least once a week, each). I'm looking forward to carrying my lawn chair and blanket (or winter coat) across the field to sit and watch my girls run around and learn team play. The good thing about soccer, is that the games are short...they are over before the sun starts to go down.

Emma is in a white jersey - in the center of the photo, wearing pigtails.

Last night, we needed sunscreen and sunglasses and flip flops were perfectly comfortable.

Tonight, if it doesn't get rained out, we will need warm socks, mitts, warm coats, and possibly an umbrella. The girls are young enough that the 'powers that be' probably call the game on behalf of rain, but when they are a bit older, the game will go on unless there is lightening.

We get sunburned and we freeze, but it is fun - and it is OUTSIDE!

Rob and Lana (with Titus strapped to her front) watching Emma learn to run and kick

This year, we have determined to plant a large enough garden to help with our grocery bill over the summer and through next winter. Since it has been about 6 years since we've had a garden, I've been studying about growing and storing vegetables for the last 3 months I wanted to refresh my memory and I've learned many new things over the winter.

I've started tomatoe plants, peppers, lettuce, cucumbers, cabbage, and watermelon. I've never started plants indoors before, so this has been a new experience - so far, it has been quite a successful experiment. Of course, it is not yet time to put the plants outside - our average last day of frost around here is May 25 - and that is just average.

One of the things I learned in my studying is that contrary to popular culture, I do not have to wait until after May 25 to begin my garden - there are many plants that actually do best if they are planted when the weather is still quite cool at night - even to just below freezing - as long as the ground is workable and the soil warms up during the day. We have finally arrived at that point....as long as it doesn't decide to rain for a week straight.

Last week, the stores finally had some seed potatoes in stock. We bought 90 lbs - going by the formula that 10 lbs of seed will give 100 pounds of potatoes. We figured we'd grow enough for 100 lbs for each of the kids and us, plus some left for seed next year.

On Sunday, Robert and Lana helped us cut them up into seeds.

This is what 90 lbs of cut up seed potatoes looks like:

Yesterday, Jim and I planted about 178 plants. Today, we finished filling our 'North Garden' by planting 4 more rows - about 200 plants.

We took the 'seeds' out to the garden in the tractor's bucket

Jim makes a shallow trench which will be our 'line' for digging the holes in this row.

Let me tell you, digging almost 400 holes and then covering them over, is a workout! Who needs Jillian, Pilates, or Tony Little? LOL. Plus, I got the added benefits of sunshine, fresh air, working alongside my hubby, and work accomplished.

This particular job works the shoulders, upper arms, forearms, abs (upper, lower, and lateral), and lower back. If you wanted to add cardio to this workout, you could try to run through the newly cultivated dirt on your way back to the beginning of each row. I did not worry about cardio - I was more concerned with being able to finish the job.

Although when I went to bed last night my body was hurting and very tired, it felt so good to have worked hard and accomplished something so tangible. I was not nearly as stiff and sore as I expected when we drove back out to the potatoe patch this morning, but my muscles began to complain as soon as I started to use them again. I tired much more quickly this morning, but as I concentrated on flexing the muscles I was using, I thought about how I was getting stronger with each pull of the hoe. This helped me to keep on keeping on - even when we had to dig one row twice.

We totally did not need 90 lbs of seed potatoes - there are still many left! We're going to try some in tire stacks, and try some in ground we've never planted in - just to see if they will grow - (this area has few weeds, making us think the soil is bad).

Well, this turned out to be totally not what I was going to post about.....but, this is what is on my mind right now - of course, the general feeling of weakness and the soreness and stiffness that are the symptoms of an old, fat, out of shape woman working hard for 3 hours at a time two days in a row kind of keep these thoughts at the forfront of my mind. LOL. It's hard to think of anything else when my hands, forearms, back, abs, etc are hurting.

But we'll all have potatoes for the winter!

As long as the root cellar gets a proper door on it, that is. LOL.

Enough

2009-04-29T13:35:00.002-06:00

I'm having a real hard time keeping up with this blog.

There is so much going on recently in my life.... yeah, I know - an excuse.

My weight loss efforts have been ......let's just say I've not gained. It is hard to maintain a weight loss mind set when your mind is stretched with so many other things that are concerning. For the last couple months I've bounced between 206 and 209 - and I've not even cared. Seriously, I've had many things to deal with.

Well, this week, even though the stressors have not lessened (in fact, they've even gotten worse) I have realized that I CARE that I am not as diligent with counting my exchanges, I CARE that I am eating some of my hubby's fries (that he shouldn't be having) when we stop for lunch during our errands. I CARE that I didn't walk on my treadmill yesterday. It bothers me that I am suddenly craving foods tha I have not cared about for over a year.

Along with the lack of diligence regarding food, I am beginning to notice a regression back toward hating myself. Not a total backslide, just a bit of a regression.

Enough.

Regardless of outside stressors, I do care enough about ME to take charge of what I can take charge of.

I may not be able to control sickness, the economy, or other people....I may not be able to change the past and how it affects today, but I CAN control what I do with my body, what I put into my mouth, and the 'self-talk' I allow in my mind.

I am sick today (again) but I am going to get on the treadmill for as long as my weak body will allow. I am going to eat the right amount of food and drink my water.

I am going to continue to rest in God's love for me and for my family - and in His provision and protection through whatever lies ahead.

NSV

2009-04-21T11:09:00.002-06:00

In the spring of 2007 my hubby and I spent a month driving through several states. We had a wonderful time, seeing and experiencing the various landscapes and sights.

At the beginning of our trip, at a lunch stop in Montana, I went into a 'Gem Store' just to look around. I was thrilled with all the different colors of stones - most of which I had never seen before - or even heard of. Color makes me happy in any circumstance, so a store full of sparkly color was a real treat! I was especially drawn to the garnets. Red is one of my favorite colors and I had always like rubies because of that. Garnets make rubies look washed out. They have the deepest, richest color I've ever seen. Luxurious....that is the word that comes to my mind when I think of a garnet.

On our way home, we stopped at an Opal mine in Idaho. (Opals are another favorite of mine) At the gift store, I found some necklaces of unfinished garnets for only $5 each. I wanted one SO BADLY, but they were quite short and I could not get it around my neck. Since I couldn't have one for myself, I bought one for each of my girls. They resemble those puma shell necklaces that were so popular a few years ago, except that instead of white 'beads' they are polished deep red beads. Very pretty.

The other day, Jim and I were looking after Seth at Vinjelu and Kathryn's house. Kathryn's garnet necklace was laying around, as if she had just taken it off. On a whim, I tried it on.
IT FIT!!! I could wear it all day, if I wanted.

Sometimes, when the scale isn't moving as quickly as we want, when things are not going as well as before, it is good to have something remind us 'from whence we've come'.

I may have a long way to go, but I'm not where I WAS! And that is something to celebrate.

Too bad I was too cheap to buy myself a necklace just to look at.

A rambling spewing of my thoughts

2009-04-18T09:51:00.001-06:00

Do you ever feel like things are spiraling out of control? Like there are just too many crises? Like you will never get everything done? Like you never have time to do what you really WANT to do?

That is kind of where I am at these last couple months.

And it has gotten ‘worse’.

For the past 5 or 6 years I’ve lived with at least a low level of being ‘overwhelmed’ by everything I ‘should’ be doing.

Over the summer, I was able to mostly ‘shed’ that feeling because I accomplished the decluttering and cleaning of the main floor of my house. It felt good to have things simplified and in order and easier to clean.

However, I wanted to have the basement done before May. I haven’t even started. And now, it is nearing time to plant a garden, prepare the root cellar for storage, and make my deck look nice by planting flowers in the containers.

Add to those things, it is tax season (one of my most hated times of year) and I am behind. I do ‘the books’ for my husband’s company (which is him and I) but unfortunately, I do not do them regularly because I struggle so much with thinking like a bookkeeper. I just cannot make my mind work along the paths that you must take in order to do a good job as an accountant or bookkeeper. Consequently….. well, never mind. Suffice it to say that tax season is always super stressful and busy for me.

If those things weren’t enough, there have been family crises ….. one on top of the other.

The current ones involve:

one son not getting enough work to pay his bills this month…..

another son whose job does not cover all his expenses so his wife has to run a dayhome – for which they are having trouble finding ‘clients’

a daughter who had gall bladder surgery one week and began to care for a 2 year old all day the next week (on top of her own 4 children)

a grandson who has been sick for 9 weeks, had pneumonia last week and now that his lungs are clear, has an ear infection… is on the 10th percentile for weight since he’s lost weight while sick, and won’t eat much of anything

a pregnant daughter who, although at 6 months pregnant has NOT gained any weight due to intense nausea every day and who began having ‘contraction type pains’ yesterday

all on top of the ongoing issue that seems to have no good outcome, outside of God doing a miracle.

A nephew who seems bent on breaking his mother’s heart at every turn….making bad decisions, and now reaping the hard consequences (including getting kicked out of school in his graduating year)

Some days I feel like I have a houseful of little kids again, all needing me for something, except their bedrooms are a half hour apart.

I look around at my home and wonder why I cannot get a handle on a routine – so that the laundry gets done regularly, the dusting gets done weekly, etc. Really, it is not so hard to keep clean –especially when there are only 2 of us living here – and it doesn’t look messy/dirty until you look closely….but I’d like to feel like I had an hour or two every day to just do housework.

I sit by an art table daily, when I am at my computer…..wishing I had time to scrapbook or paint or draw.

I sit at my computer, enjoying the online communities I am part of, and wish I didn’t feel guilty sitting here – but knowing that this community, especially, is important to my health and well being. I would really go nuts if I couldn’t write about what is happening in my life and in my head.

There are many blessings in my life – things for which I am truly thankful and which I enjoy greatly. In fact, one of the things I do every week is write a post on Fridays about those things that blessed me during the previous 7 days. (check out my ‘other’ blog on Fridays for that post)

Mostly, I have a happy life and I feel truly blessed – but lately, it just seems that every time I turn around something is going wrong and someone needs me to be there for them.

My weight has gone up and down in the last couple months – never getting below a certain point. My efforts have been up and down, as well – some days I almost don’t care (I said almost) but most days I care enough to think before I eat. What is happening most of the time is that I am resigned to not losing for a little while – until I either get used to the current level of stress or things get back to a bit more of a ‘normal’ level.

Well, this has been a rambling spewing of my thoughts – I don’t know if they make much sense, but my time limit on the computer has come and gone so I must quit this – I need to work on taxes then everyone is coming over for a birthday celebration – our oldest son turned 31 yesterday. Lana is bringing lasagne and cake, but I am making a healthier version of lasagna for Jim and I, as well as supplying the salad and drinks for everyone – and I am out of my homemade soup – I’d like to get that made today as well. After the birthday party, we are going to pull out the slide projector and look at slides (something we haven’t done for several years but enjoy greatly)…..that is, we will if Jim gets the new curtains hung on the front window this afternoon. We love the open, non covered window which lets in all the sunlight and lets us enjoy the view across the fields, but it does not get dark enough with an uncovered window until after 9 pm to watch slides. Later in the summer, it won’t be dark enough until almost midnight. The curtains are only so we can watch slides in the summer when Dad is actually home and we get together more often. Just doesn’t seem to happen in the winter when it is dark before supper time.

OK, that was more rambling. Time to go for sure, now.

I’ve been around, BTW….reading, at least – even if I haven’t been posting or commenting.

Control....How much is too much?

2009-04-10T14:23:00.003-06:00

Our good friend, Mizfit left a comment on my post yesterday regarding 'control' .......

"all tied up for ME with the word "control" and how black and white it is.no gray area where you can indulge at times and not feel..."bad" about yourself."

In my post I included a list of 'uncontrolled eating' that I have indulged in of late. I assume this is where Miz's antennae went up.

I'm so glad to have a friend here in 'Blogworld' who cares enough to make a comment about a conern that she has about what I've written.

And, she is absolutely right. In fact, I totally agree with her statement as quoted above.

Being so 'in control' that there is no grace (or gray area) can result in beating yourself up, mentally - and then punishing yourself by 'sabotaging' your weight loss efforts. At least, this is true for me.

In fact, I allow myself indulgences fairly often......one of those pieces of poppyseed cake that I listed under "out of control eating" was actually a planned - for indulgence....guess it shouldn't have been in that list.

Miz's comment reminded me of a post I wrote last September.....I include a portion of it here, but if you want to read the whole thing, go to this link to get the post From my archives.

"Because my goal is to learn to live, there is no end to this plan. I don’t want to stop living well because I reach my goal weight. Nor do I only begin to live when I reach my goal – I am learning to live NOW, the weight I am now.

In learning to live, I acknowledge that from time to time, for the rest of my life, I will be faced with: eating out, dinner parties, birthday cakes, celebrations, and a simple desire for something really sweet or fat or carbolicious. It is unreasonable to expect that I can live the rest of my life without having a piece of pie or a plate of pasta.

SO, I am learning to manage these situations by NOT totally depriving myself and by learning to be satisfied with a small serving. When faced with something I “shouldn’t” have, I do not say “You cannot have that”. I ask myself if I really want it. At this point, I calculate how it will affect the rest of my day’s eating plan. If I decide to go ahead with it, I might tell myself to just wait for a bit. Often, I’ve forgotten about it within a few minutes. If not, I allow myself a small portion.

Why can I be satisfied with a small amount? Because I am not just saying NO to myself and depriving myself “until I lose weight”….I am learning to live with the sweets and fast foods and carby comfort foods that I will be faced with for the rest of my life.

I am learning to control them rather than be controlled by them.

Also, it is good to know that now, because I am eating carefully, if I choose to have a sugary/fat filled treat, I don't have to hide it because I don't feel guilty. I am not cheating, I am living. Sweet treats will always be part of life....I need to deal with them wisely and with thought. And when I eat that treat out in the open, I am not tempted to have "just one more".

Now, to clarify…..I do not often say yes. Most of the time, I make a decision NOT to give in to a craving or opportunity. The difference is that I am making a decision based not on deprivation, resulting in feeling sorry for myself, but based on a real choice. Is this worth it, or not? Will my saying yes to this advance my goal of learning to live or not? Once in a while, it really does bring me closer to my goal."

This is what I truly believe and is the way I have been approaching my weight loss journey.

My concern with the indulgences last week was that for the most part, they were not indulgences that I thought about and made a decision to enjoy - either I was eating thoughtlessly (as in the chips in the resaurant) or I was eating voraciously (as in the cookies and candy bars at YWAM). By the time I got to the birthday party, I had indulged in enough sweets that the craving for MORE cake was quite strong. I won't say uncontrollable, because of course I could have controlled it...I could have told myself that I had already had a piece - that was enough. But I didn't.

I wanted more cake.

Period.

I didn't think about it and decide to have it, I just followed my cravings.

That is something I have not done much of since Dec 07. It bothered me, because it proved to me that this new lifestyle and way of thinking about food is not quite as solid in me as I had thought.....let my guard down a little, and the 'fat girl thinking' jumps right back in!

But I do appreciate your words of caution, Miz! And your words of advise re: journalling.

The last two days I've done well with eating 'clean' and drinking my water.

The cough has subsided but is still there......giving me a real excuse not to exercise.

Weighing In

2009-04-09T10:25:00.002-06:00

Well, my weigh in yesterday was actually good news - in spite of the fact that there was NO loss. Why was this good news? Because I expected a gain.

For the last year or so, I have had no problems with cravings and overwhelming desires to just eat.

Suddenly, beginning this past weekend, I am struggling in these areas.

It began when my man and I drove our youngest son to school in Montana (9 hour drive from our house to the YWAM base where he will be for the next 3 months....before he goes for 2 months to a 'yet to be announced' overseas destination). We stopped in a town about an hour north of the US/Canadian boarder crossing for lunch. I ordered Chicken Taco Salad - a pretty safe order, usually. I ordered extra salsa because normally the amount of salsa served with a taco salad is miniscule - and I love salsa.

I suppose because this was not a chain restaurant, the salad was not quite what is 'normally' served.....it wasn't covered in cheese, for one thing. Nor was it in one of those deep fried crunchy 'bowls' that I find annoying and never eat. And the salsa/sour cream was served in containers that were about 1/3 cup - much bigger than usual. One serving of salsa was all I needed to 'dress' my salad. All this was good - very good.

There were, however, about 15 chips on the side of the plate. They didn't look very good, but I decided to eat a couple simply so that I was using some of the 'extra' salsa that I had asked for. (guilt factor at work here - I ordered extra so felt I had to use at least some of it) My big mistake was in dipping the chip into the sour cream.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I can't remember the last time I had real sour cream. It was SO good! I ended up eating all those substandard chips just to get the sour cream. I didn't intend to eat them all, and I was surprised when they were all gone. First time I've done that in a very long time.

I felt hungry again within an hour. What was with that?

By the time we arrived at our destination, I was very hungry - and, we could see that there were people in the dining room so we headed over there to catch supper - which was homemade pizza and salad bar. The pizza slices were very large with a crust about half an inch thick. I took ONE slice and a plate of lettuce, etc, thinking that would fill me up.

No such luck.

I would have gone back for seconds - at least of the salad bar, but we had come in just as they were cleaning up - there was no food left sitting out.....all put away.

I told myself that it didn't matter - I shouldn't be hungry after that huge piece of pizza anyway.

Fast forward to after getting the boy settled in his dorm room and getting ourselves settled in our 'hospitality room'.......we watched Daniel play a game of soccer in the gym for awhile, then headed back to our room. Jim was beginning to succumb to a cold/flu and was feeling pretty rough....he crawled into bed very early.

Let me tell you about the hospitality rooms at the Lakeside YWAM base. First of all, you need to reserve a room in advance (usually) ...... A placard - creatively and beautifully made displays your name on the door of your room. Inside, the dorm room has been decorated thematically - based on one of their 'target' nations. (That is, the nations where their schools go for 'field assignments) In the past, we have stayed in "Ukraine", "Nepal" and "Thailand". This time, we were housed in "Taiwan". Seriously, the decor in each room is very welcoming and beautiful. The fabrics, wall decorations, and ornaments are all authentic. On a table, you will find a package telling you about meal times, a map of the base, general information about this YWAM base, and information about the nearby town (restaurants, churches, shopping, etc). Also, there are two books about YWAM in general - both gifts, if desired.

Each room is equipped with an electric teapot, instant coffee, tea bags, and 2 cups. As well, there will be 2 packages of 2 homemade cookies - one for each guest. And this time, the cups were stuffed full of goodies - granola bars, mini chocolate bars, fruit leather....and a couple other things I don't remember.

There is a 'lounge' about halfway down the hallway - comfy couches, a refrigerator, and two computers with internet.

Except that the only bathrooms are the 'girls' bathroom and the 'boys' bathroom - shared by all guests as well as the students that live on that floor, staying in the hospitality rooms at the base is a very pleasant experience.

So, back to my story.....Jim went straight to bed. I was hungry, still - or at least, I felt hungry. I grabbed one of the packages of cookies and headed to the computer in the lounge. Again, I don't remember the last homemade cookie I had.....they were SO good!

As I killed time on the computer, all I could think about were those other two cookies back in my room. Finally, I gave in.....but not only did I eat those other 2 cookies, I ate all four mini chocolate bars that were in the cups! I just couldn't seem to stop myself. I wasn't interested in the Fibre One bars, though - just the candy bars. Good thing there were only 4.

The next day we traveled back home. (BTW...for photos of this beautiful drive, go to my 365 blog - Days 93 & 94 ) Again, I had the growlies all day. We did not want to take the time to stop for lunch, so we got take out at A & W. I ordered a hamburger and a side salad. Jim had asked for a strawberry shake to go with his meal and while I was waiting for the burgers, I took a sip of his shake. That was a mistake. I couldn't stop myself - in fact, I didn't even want to stop myself.....I ordered one for myself - and enjoyed every bit of it, even while kicking myself for giving in.

Since then, it seems I've been struggling with 'mini binges' every day.

Last night was our granddaughter's birthday party. Jim stayed home (still quite sick) so I went by myself. Supper was not a problem for me - except that I was NOT hungry so I probably should not have had anything to eat (they served chili). The birthday cake was white cake with whipped cream and fresh strawberries. I accepted half a piece - with extra strawberries. Of course, the original size of the pieces was enormous, so half a piece wasn't that much of a sacrifice.

I found myself taking another small piece....then I went to take a piece home for Jim but remembered that A) he is allergic to strawberries.... and B) he has a whole poppyseed cake that I made him at home....SO I cut the piece in half and ate it myself. I was very disappointed in myself.

I'm hoping that by telling you about these bouts of uncontrolled eating I will actually get control again.

Here is the rest of my uncontrolled eating:

Plenty of 'fingers' of icing as I was making it - had to taste test, of course...to be sure it wasn't too sweet and chocolatey enough.
a piece of the cake I made Jim - with cream (very small piece)
another very small piece of the cake - with cream
a 'bite' of the cake - 2 times
5 cherry chocolates
'bites' of Kraft Dinner that I made my granddaughters

So.....having the scale say the same as it did last week is encouraging, to say the least.

I'm finally beginning to feel better in the last 2 days - still coughing, but i don't feel like I'd cough a lung up if I exerted myself at all. I'm still a little nervous about bringing on a coughing fit, but I'm willing to give the treadmill a go.....if I start coughing I can always quit.

Hopefully, I can report an end to this silly eating very soon - like today.

How Sleep is Related to Obesity

2009-04-07T15:21:00.000-06:00

In all my years of ‘dieting’ and following every program under the sun (almost) it was only last year that someone told me that going to bed at a regular time and sleeping for 8 hours every night would help with weight loss.

???

OK, I believed them….after all, I was paying these folks to give me good weight loss advise.

I believed them, but they could not tell me why it was true. I just assumed that it was simply that our bodies work better all around when they are properly rested.

Then I read an article in Better Homes and Garden’s “Heart Healthy Living” magazine. (Winter 08 issue) OK, obviously I’ve had this magazine around for awhile before I actually read it – or else the store was selling old copies…..I found it in a suitcase so it could be either case.

I will not (of course) copy the entire article (Change your Bedtime Story by Linda Wasmer Andrews) but I want to highlight a couple facts that are made in it…..

During normal sleep, among other things, the body increases its production of leptin, an appetite-suppressing hormone, and decreases production of ghrelin, an appetite-stimulating hormone.

When your sleep is disturbed, your body suffers in many dangerous ways. Along with irregular heart rhythms, chronic health problems, and increased risk of stroke, “research has shown that the less people sleep, the more likely they are to be obese and prefer foods high in calories and carbohydrates. One possible reason: Lack of sleep is linked to higher levels of ghrelin, a hormone produced in the stomach and upper intestine that stimulates appetite.”

So, basically, we don’t sleep….we are hungrier…..we eat more….we get fat(ter)…..

Worse, obesity is directly related to Sleep Apnea….which disturbs our sleep several times each night…..meaning, we do not sleep….our appetite stimulating hormones are produced in greater amounts….we eat more….we get fatter….our sleep is more disturbed…..

It seems to be a vicious cycle.

This is one way that losing weight can improve the quality of our lives.

I have suffered with sleep apnea for years – long before people started talking about it – I just didn’t know why I was always so sleepy. Believe me, going through life always on the verge of nodding off is not nice!

Since I started losing weight, this aspect of my life has improved dramatically. I still have days where I can tell that I did not sleep much the night before – because in spite of spending a good 8 hours ‘asleep’, I am almost too sleepy to function. Those days have become few and far between, however.

I now know that as I continue to lose….. my sleep patterns will continue to improve…..the appetite suppressing hormones will increase…..I will want to eat less…..I will lose weight…..I will sleep better……

The cycle will continue to improve, making me a healthier person over all.

Reporting In....a Day late

2009-04-02T14:02:00.002-06:00

As of Yesterday (my weigh in day) I GAINED 2.8 pounds last week! Since I am down 1.8 today from yesterday, I am not too bummed out - also because I know that I always temporarily gain when I have a bad cold....which I've had for a week now. Just this morning I finally feel like the cough is 'loosening up'. I've not been sleeping well because of the cold - and not moving much either, when I'm awake.

So, this week's gain is not something to worry too much about....except when you look at it in relation to the last month. Since it is the end of the month, I looked back at the pattern. Overall, for the month of March, I GAINED 2.6 pounds.

I am OK with a slow rate of loss....I am NOT OK with a slow rate of GAIN. And when I look at my weight on FEB 1....it is even worse; I was 208.2 that day, meaning that in the last 2 months I have officially gained 1 pound. Not good.

Looking back in my food journal, I notice that the last few weeks I've been a little lazy in my recording and I KNOW I've not been very disciplined in weighing and measuring.

Time to get back to the basics.

Weigh and Measure.
Write down EVERYTHING
Eat all my exchanges.
Drink all my water. (getting better there)
Move more.

Think more about what I am eating, about my goals. Don't be complacent.

To be honest, I have been so happy with the changes that have taken place in my mind and in my body that it has been a little too easy to let myself 'drift along' and lose sight of the final goal. It is good to enjoy where I am, but I need to keep looking ahead to what will be even better.

These are my jobs for this week.

2009-03-30T15:48:00.002-06:00

I'm having a terrible week, weight-wise!

I started out great, as you can see by the previous post, but from Wednesday morning, I started going up, up, up!

I am telling the truth when I say that the worst I did was eat lasagne at BP's on Wednesday (as reported).

I am sick this week - with a cold. I always seem to gain temporarily with a cold.

Today (Monday) I am on my way back down from as high as 209.....today I'm at 207.4. Still up from Wednesday's weigh in, but on my way down from the upward trend of earlier this 'week'.
One thing the bigger numbers did for me was get me drinking my water. I got kind of mad that the numbers were going up for no apparent reason so I drank and drank and drank water. That could be why I started going down.

But, having a bad cough means that I do not want to physically extend myself (as in exercise) because I'll just start coughing. I hate coughing.

But....this week has not been all bad! In fact, only the numbers on the scale and the fact that I am coughing constantly have been bad......and that is because my Mr. Wonderful is home. Not just for a night or two, either. He is home for (probably) at least 6 weeks! Hooray!

Also, yesterday our whole family gathered at our house to say 'goodbye' to the 'little brother'. Our youngest, Danny, is leaving at the end of this week to attend school at YWAM in Lakeside, Montana for five months. We will all really miss him!

We have not all been together at one place since Christmas, so yesterday was a treat - in spite of my feeling rough and Jim being exhausted.

Pictures from yesterday are here.

Well, I'd better go and put my house back in order after having 20 odd people here all day.....the last of them left just a couple hours ago (my daughter & grandson stayed overnight since my SIL had to work nights last night).

Hopefully, the downward trend continues and I can at least report a maintanence on Wednesday!

Weigh in report

2009-03-26T11:46:00.003-06:00

Sorry, I'm a day late here.....

I spent the day yesterday in the city with son Michael, DIL Victoria, and Grandson Kaden and did not get home until quite late - very tired. (I hadn't slept well the night before)

Our main activity for the day was to take Kaden (14 mo) to 'Chuck E Cheese's'......a wannabe restaurant that is a mecca for kids' birthday parties. I say 'wannabe restaurant' because apparently the food is pretty bad - we didn't eat, just let Kaden (and his parents) play on the rides and games.

We went out for supper, and since Victoria is pregnant and still in the stage where she is a little 'picky' about what her stomach will tolerate, she got to choose the restaurant. She chose Boston Pizza. By the time we got there, I was VERY hungry and the thought of another salad as my meal just wasn't 'doing it' for me. (We had salad for lunch)

I had lasagne. Certainly not my best choice, but.....it had less cheese on it than the other lasagne choice....do I get points for that? LOL I didn't worry about it, just enjoyed it. I knew that even if it added a little to the scale for today - it was more important that we have a nice, enjoyable supper together.

So, I said all that to explain why I didn't post my weigh in yesterday. I did weigh in before I left for the city and ..... I am DOWN 1.8! Yay! Actually, my weight yesterday is the lowest I've posted on my ticker. Of course, by today, I am up a bit, thanks to the lasagne (probably) but that is this week.....last week I lost. And there's plenty of time to get rid of the .6 lbs I'm up this morning.

BTW I have managed to incorporate ONE aspect of exercise into my day - almost every day. It is not much, but I decided to get one thing made into a habit, then I'll add one more thing. (I tend to get overwhelmed with things that are 'big' and then do nothing) So, 5 out of 7 days last week I did pushups off the countertop. (I've been doing this consistently for a few weeks now) I am up to at least 60 ...sometimes I've made as high as 70. When I can do 100 easily I will start doing "girl pushups" (from the knees). This is pretty much enough a part of my day that I don't even think about it - just do them.

Next step......I think my Pilates DVD - it is divided into 10 minute long workouts. If I can start putting small things in, I think I can work up to longer workouts.

So my goal this week (unless some major change happens to derail me) is to do at least one of the Pilates workouts each day. I doubt I'll make every day, but.......that is my goal.

Family Stuff....Updates

2009-03-24T11:42:00.006-06:00

First of all, thank you so much, those of you who prayed for or thought of our baby Titus. I am happy to report that he is much better....his lungs are clearing up and he is on the mend! In fact, he felt well enough to go out with Gramma and Mommy on Saturday night and then entertain the other ladies with his smiles....

Thank you too, for your support and prayers regarding the problem I mentioned here . (I cannot go into detail on such a public forum as this) It is ongoing and requires faith to believe it will end well. I appreciate any prayers for my family. If you want to pray for us with a bit more knowledge, you can email me and I will let you know what's up. Otherwise, the Father knows better than I do, even, what is going on.

And, an update on Vinjelu and Kathryn and their music......They now have a website http://www.anotherway.ca/ where you can listen to the song "Weeping" which is also available on iTunes (you have to search by title and also artist:Another Way).

They've performed a few different places over the last couple months and helped to raise money for a couple different projects both in Alberta and in Africa.

They will be sharing their plans for the future in Wetaskiwin, Alberta on May 2 - I expect they may sing a song or two, as well - if you are in our neck of the woods....come on by!

Kathryn is now doing a University course on Health Care Administration via correspondance. She will continue her studies while they are in Zambia (leaving at the end of this year) and when they return in 2 years, she will apply these courses to a nursing degree.

They've also moved to a different residence in the last month. These two things, coupled with her struggles with nausea, etc because of pregnancy, have slowed some of their musical plans down for the moment.

But go to their website and have a listen to the song, if you didn't get to download it from iTunes!

Jim is still working! We are very grateful for this - it is well past the 'normal' time for shutting down for spring. Every day he can work now is a couple more days that we can go without work over the summer. We are trusting God to open up doors so that he can get 10 days a month in after 'break up' is over. 2 weeks would be wonderful but that doesn't look likely.

(This photo was taken a few years ago - I haven't been out to any of his locations for a LONG time)

And, my 'baby' (19 yr old son) has moved back home for the last month but will be leaving for FIVE whole months in about 10 days. He will be away from home for his 20th birthday. I am not looking forward to saying goodbye for so long. I must say, he's a little conflicted about it, as well. Not enough to keep from being excited, though!

He will be studying at a Youth With A Mission base in Montana for 3 months then will be travelling with the class on a 'field assignment' to either Thailand, Ukraine, or Nepal for 2 months. On the field assignment, they will be helping with building, teaching English, doing dramas....... we don't know the specifics yet of what his exact assignment will be, but these are some of the activities that are normally included.

And just for fun.....here's my baby when he was only 5.

Don't you love the rubber boots in the middle of summer? LOL

Nothing in this post about weight loss.....I'll save that for tomorrow. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the friendship and support of this community - and keep you updated.

Weigh In

2009-03-18T16:22:00.003-06:00

Well, bad news again.....I gained a pound.

My weight fluctuated between 206.0 and 209.2 this week so I guess 208.2 is better than the 209.2.

I had one day this week ....Friday night to Saturday night when I gave in WAY too much. I had that Cherry Blossom I wrote about, a Pep Bar, 2 cappachinos, and TWO pieces of that chocolate cake I made for my son. All in a 24 hour period. Add to that maybe 3 more bites of the cake over the next couple days.

Also, my water intake has been way down. I just forget to drink it.

My meals have been fine - healthy choices always.....it was the treats and the lack of water, I'm sure.

I think I've kind of hit a spot in my mind where I'm a little unmotivated. Just a little.

Could be peripheral happenings that have been occupying my mind.....the major problem I can't tell you about, for one.

And now, our youngest grandbaby (3 months old) has pneumonia. He is not hospitalized, yet. But he will be if he gets any worse. He throws up as soon as he is given his medicine, so unless Lana figures a way to get it into him, he will need to be put on IV.

The good news is that my man is still working. He never knows if the job he is being sent to will be the last or not, but they keep giving him wells.....that is good. The longer he can work now, the longer we can last over spring. After Spring Break Up.....we still do not know much. His boss has indicated that if there is any work, Jim will be one of those being called - at least for a week a month.

I've been spending much time lately studying about gardening. It has been several years since we had a garden and we didn't have much time to put into the ones we had in years past - between homeschooling 5 kids and chasing after 4 kids in ball every night of the week and all day Saturdays and Sundays.

So, since Jim will be home for most of the summer and we no longer have school and ball to take us away from the garden, we want to be able to have the best one possible. I am even going to start some plants indoors within the next couple weeks.

Our average last day of frost around here is between May 15 and 25. Most people put their gardens in on the "May long weekend" (May 16 - 18 this year). My research has told me that we can plant several seeds well before that....as long as the ground can be tilled. I'm a person that likes to know ahead of time how to do something....I don't like to just jump in and do it. Even when we started our first garden in 1994, I did lots of reading ahead of time.

If nothing else, the garden should get me outside every day this summer. I'm hoping that having shed almost 50 pounds of weight, I will be able to bear the heat better this year. Normally, I stay inside.....I don't wear shorts or sleeveless tops (for obvious reasons) and being outside in jeans is VERY uncomfortable. I usually stay inside my air conditioned house.

That may be a weight loss benefit I haven't even thought of before!

It may even be a motivator.

Sounds like I need to refocus, doesn't it?

I'm off now, to the city to visit number 2 son and his family.....have supper and then hang out for an hour or two. Hubby is working night shift last night and tonight (at least) so I haven't talked to him since last night...... I'm sure he'll be calling soon - once he is up and on his way to his location.

TaTa.....I will try to have better news next week!

Was it worth it?

2009-03-16T20:49:00.003-06:00

The other day I bought a Lowney's Cherry Blossom....You know...... that 'cherry in a pocket with delicious cherry sauce and surrounded with a nutty chocolate shell.'

(The previous words are not mine, they are from a website that sells the candy in large multitudes)

Why did I buy it?

First because when I was growing up, this was my favorite candy treat. I love chocolate covered cherries. Put a box of chocolates near me and I'll go for the cherries and leave the rest - every time.

Second, these little babies are not commonly sold around here. At least not in recent years, so I felt that I should grab it up while the grabbing was good.

Third, I haven't had one in so many years I cannot remember the last time I did.

Forth.....actually, probably first....because these were my dad's favorite treat and every time I see one, I think of him. One year we gave him several Cherry Blossoms for his birthday - each wrapped individually. That is a fun memory.

So, I considered it and decided that I was willing to risk the temporary weight gain for the pleasure of having a Cherry Blossom and thinking of my dad while I was eating it.

Was it worth it?

Not a bit.

The chocolate was not nearly as good as I remember and the syrup around the cherry was way too sweet.

I saved the box......now I can pull it out for a calorie-free memory of my dad and of my childhood.

A Quote from Annette

2009-03-14T11:33:00.003-06:00

If you read my rant yesterday, and read the comments left, you've already seen this statement by Annette. But these few words of hers speak so eloquently what I believe should be our focus and our 'plan', that I wanted to highlight them on a post - all of their own.

"Health should be the goal.....weight loss is the reward along the way"

Well said, Annette.

A bit of a Rant

2009-03-13T16:48:00.002-06:00

This has been bugging me for awhile, but I hesitated to blog about it because I don't want to offend anyone.....but tell me, how can a weight loss plan give lasting success when it feeds you things like cheescake, pizza, cheese curls, chocolate cake and all the 'fattening' things we love?

Everytime the ad for this program comes on the radio, I cringe. The spokesperson says how she lost X number of pounds eating all the things she loves. And for only a small fee (plus the cost of food) you too can lose all the weight you want!

The food must be chemically modified to contain less fat and calories, yet still taste good enough to keep you buying it, but how does this teach a person to eat so that they can maintain their goal weight? Are you supposed to eat their food for the rest of your life?

OK, you most likely learn some portion control, but how healthy is it to continue eating food that looks like, tastes similar to, and is called the same as all the fat and calorie laden foods that got you to an overweight place in the first place? Shouldn't we be learning BEHAVIOR modification instead of practicing food modification?

The weight loss center that got me started losing weight and actually changing the way I ate offers a sustainable plan - but they, too, offer modified cookies, chips, crackers. I always refused them because I figured I needed to learn to NOT eat sweets on a regular basis. Just because it is 'allowed' on the plan doesn't mean it is a good thing!

At least, that is what I think.

Another VERY popular system offers all kinds of desserts that are 'legal'.....I've bought some of them myself- back when I first started this journey. How does that teach me to control my cravings for sweets? How does that teach me to live? Am I going to take my 'diet' cake with me to a birthday party? Doesn't that just make me feel like I stand out even more than I already feel I do?

Isn't it better to learn to either just say no thanks or take a small piece and enjoy it because it is not chemically modified to have fewer calories?

Wouldn't it be better to learn to make the foods we love ourselves, but modify the recipies with real food instead of chemicals?

I made a cake for my son last night.....I used whole wheat flour instead of white and used no fat sour cream instead of buttermilk. I still used sugar, but I could have used less....and I have made it with brown sugar instead of white for a healthier choice. I also could have used egg beaters but I didn't have any. The cake is still full of calories and is not a good choice for me to snack on, but it is healthier than the original and certainly healthier than a prepackaged and processed cake that is 'allowed' on your diet plan.

I had a small piece last night......and Danny only took ONE piece in his lunch - even though his lunch also has to be his supper tonight because he is not coming home - so there is this whole 8X8 cake sitting on the counter. I know my limitations......I covered it with a cookie sheet, set it aside on the 'storage countertop' where I do no food preparation, then set a group of bottles and containers I am saving on top. Out of sight, out of mind (so far). Also, if I want a piece, I will have to take everything off and move it over to the cupboard - meaning that it will have to be a premeditated action, rather than mindlessly taking a bite here and there until half the cake is gone.

OK, that was a bit of a rabbit trail.

The point of my rant is......it bugs me that these large companies (the one with the ad on the radio in particular) promise something that seems to be unattainable for any length of time.

Unless you happen to have enough money to keep buying their food.

Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Weight In - and a New Plan!

2009-03-11T11:17:00.003-06:00

Well, as I expected, I have gone UP .6 pounds. I am thankful that my gains are so small, but really wish it was down .6. Must dig in harder, be more disciplined, pay more attention, exercise more consistently.

OR.....

Maybe I should try this new/old diet plan that my niece sent me:

Anyone for a tapeworm?

A Quick Hello

2009-03-10T12:38:00.002-06:00

Hey everyone.....

Well, the snow and blowing has stopped. No more in the forecast (not that that means much) and warmer temperatures are on the way - so they say.

We were 'snowed in' again Sunday and most of Monday - that is, the road out to the highway was snowed in - our drive was saved from the same fate by the high snow walls made by the plow when it removed the drift there - the new blowing snow just built up behind the snow wall.

The scale has not been friendly to me this week - one day I was up three whole pounds! No real reason for it, either, that I could see in my food diary. I've lost most of that 3, but I'm still above last week's weigh in numbers. I had to take my rings off yesterday - retaining water, for whatever reason. I don't think I've had any extra sodium lately.

At any rate, I've been paying closer attention to what I'm eating and drinking, being more diligent with my water, and I've even been consistent with the little bit of exercise I have managed to incorporate into my life so far.

Also, I have changed my routine. Instead of starting my day with the computer - facebook, blogs, email.....I am starting my day with Bible study and exercise - with computer happening at lunch time and then in the evening. Not that this will make a whole lot of difference in my weight.....wait a minute.....maybe it will - I am not so tempted to sit here for a long time when I've started my day with more activity and by spending time listening to my Father.

Just so you know, I have spent far too much time trying to read everyone's blog that is on my blogroll every day. I just can't do it. So, if I don't get to your blog every time you post, it is not because I am ignoring you, it is just that I need to get off my butt more. I will be getting to everyone at least once a week, though....at least, that is my goal. I love reading about how you are conquering the struggles that go with changing our lifestyles, I glean so much from all of you and have come to look at you as my friends. I could not even think of walking away from any of you, and I so love to read the encouraging words you write to me in response to whatever I write.

I am planning on doing a series of posts based on the book I am reading "Does This Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat?" but have yet to actually take the time to formulate my thoughts. Sooner or later, though......there is much in this book that has made me think - and much that I have already done...before I read it....and therefore, have some experience with the concepts.

OK, that was a bad sentence, but I said this was a 'quick' hello, didn't I? I'm not taking time to rewrite and edit....you'll just have to figure out what I'm saying. LOL

The situation I wrote about a week or so ago that is causing such heartbreak is ongoing and takes much of my emotional strength, please keep praying for us.

Hopefully, when I weigh in tomorrow the scale will show at least a maintanence......Talk to you tomorrow!

Get My Drift?

2009-03-05T20:20:00.002-07:00

Just thought I'd share a few pictures of our snow day.

OK, I exaggerated a bit on saying the drift was 4 feet high this morning. But it WAS past the bumper on my truck! Here is a photo from this morning, after I went through the drift twice.

By mid afternoon the sun had come out and the wind had quit blowing but the drift was not only filled in again, it was bigger and wider. This time, even my testosterone riddled 19 year old son did not think the truck could get through. We will be lucky if the plows have done our road by tomorrow night, so.....Daniel dug out enough of the drift to get the truck through. When the plow comes by, it will come in and clear the whole driveway and the yard.

You can see my truck's tire marks heading into the drift from the morning and you can also see where Daniel has started to dig through. The road is just this side of that power pole in the background. It was pretty cold to be working outside, but Dan was bundled up. I was surprised at how quickly he was through.....I think he was glad to do some hard work since he had to stay home from his job (hard labor, most of the time).

The next two photos are just some pictures that Danny took on his camera. I just thought they were kind of cool.

This is an old grainery/shed that is on our property. We live on what was once a farm...old fences and buildings. This photo shows some of the 'sculpturing' of the snow done by the wind.

The fence around our front yard is 3 feet high, so that gives an idea how high this drift is. I think it is interesting how there is a space between the snow and the fence. There is this same kind of drift around our trailer, too.

I will be posting some more 'storm' photos on my Project 365 blog, if you are interested.

Holy Blowing Snow, Batman!

2009-03-05T08:18:00.002-07:00

Just so that we didn't think spring was actaully on its way, Winter has made a ferocious comeback.

Yesterday was a lovely day.....snow melting, water from the melting snow dripping off the roof, sun shining and warm.....you could almost smell spring in the air.

Just as I was about to go to bed last night, I heard dogs barking outside, telling me that the wind was blowing hard enough to blow the back door open. We called the dogs back in and locked the door so it wouldn't blow open. I was just drifting off to sleep when those 4 legged, furry scardy-cats started barking at the wind. I dragged myself out of bed, put the garbage can up on the cupboard, took the 2 males to my bedroom and directed them to their bed (which they usually only get to sleep in when Jim is home) and settled the 2 females on the couches so they'd all quit barking. (The 5th dog is Daniel's and he had her in his room already).

Everyone slept all night, thankfully.

This morning, I told Dan I was driving him to work so I wasn't stuck at home with no transportation because I expected that my little car would not be making it through what would be drifted roads. (Dan's car is in the shop so he has been driving my truck).

I backed out of the parking spot and headed out the drive toward the road.

Woah! The drive was blocked by a drift - at least 4 feet high!

I drive a Ford Excursion - the same size as a 1 ton truck, so my truck is no pansy when it comes to things that would slow a smaller vehicle down, but this drift......I just looked at it, trying to gage whether or not I could get through it. Dan told me to 'go for it' because it didn't look hard yet.

OK, what's the worst that could happen? I get stuck and have to walk back to the house? It's not that cold out (in fact, it is only about 10 or 15 below freezing.....it's just that the wind makes it feel much colder). So, I lined up with the center of the drive and gave 'er. My beast sliced through that thing like butter!

Out on the road, Dan decided to call his boss and say he was likely going to be late because of the roads. His boss told him to stay home. By the time we got to the corner where I could turn around, I was glad I did not have to navigate 35 kms of drifts, accumulated snow, and poor visibility due to blowing snow.....then come back through the same thing!

BTW, getting back through the drift in the driveway was not quite as easy since I could not hit it straight on.....but we made it.

So, we have a snow day (actually a rare occurance) and I am hoping the county still has me on their list for clearing my driveway when they bring the grader down our road.....probably tomorrow or even the next day - since we are not on a school bus route, our road is low priority. This drift is just a little much for our little tractor to tackle. Maybe I'll send Dan out to shovel some of it away before it gets hardend.

This had nothing to do with weight loss, but I thought I'd share it with y'all - especially those of you basking in the sunshine and warm weather already.

On another non weight-related subject......The large multi-national oil company my hubby works for laid off THREE HUNDRED people from their Calgary office yesterday. 300! That is like 6 floors of people. This does not bode well for work over the summer. If they are laying off that many office staff, they must not be expecting to be doing much work in the field.

Reporting In and rambling alot

2009-03-04T16:12:00.003-07:00

Well, my official weigh in report is UP .2 lbs.

Two Tenths of a pound is pretty much staying the same. It is a little frustrating only because I was down a whole pound from where I am today for two days earlier in the week.

Oh well.

If I was only looking at this week, it would not be too concerning. But my loss for the month of February is a whole 2/10 ths of a pound. Not much for a month of mostly clean eating.

Guess I'll just have to break down and start exercising, eh? LOL

The good news is that a couple weeks ago Hubby and I took my measurements. I have lost a total of 32.25 inches since September. That is not bad at all.

I can tell, too.

I've noticed recently that having a bath is much more pleasant since I do not have to lay my arms on top of my body - they fit beside me! That is alot of bulk that has disappeared! Also, the water almost completely covers my big belly. In my small tub, that is pretty impressive.

Another thing that has nothing to do with the numbers on the scale - the jeans I bought in the fall in a size 18 (fat lady sizing) and were too tight to wear are now loose. I wore them for the first time Christmas day and they fit nicely. I can still wear them, but I could probably go down another size - I just don't want to spend the money just to have to replace them in another 3 months. I'm hoping to be able to wear baggy jeans until I can get into a 14.

As I write that, I can't believe I am saying that I can see myself in a 14! Even a plus size 14. I cannot remember the last time my sizes did not have a 2 for the first digit. (Well, except for the jeans I am wearing right now - which are still a novelty).

I think I know what the problem has been this past month......I've been fighting loneliness.

It has been more than a year since Jim has been away from home for so long - without a fixed date for him to have time off. I'd gotten used to having him around for extended periods of time. Add to that (which has been the biggest factor) I've been living alone this whole time. Normally, I like to be alone - I usually get more done when I don't have to worry about anyone else.

January, Jim was having problems with his truck and I needed to be in the town where he was based in order to take care of it so, I spent lots of time with him in the evenings.

February, because of the fact that we have 5 dogs that cannot be left as long as it would be neccessary for me to drive out, spend the night, then come home in the morning, I did not make the trek more than once or twice. That just is not enough time together - especially when you consider that an evening with my husband is really only about 2 hours long - including supper - because he does not get back to town until 7ish and must be asleep before 10.

But, my daughter and SIL have moved out of the big house they were renting (it was too expensive to heat and too big for Kath to keep up the housework because of the extreme nauseau and dizziness that she experiences with pregnancy). My youngest son was living with them so when they moved, he came back home. It will only be for a month, but by then Jim should be home for at least a couple months. That means that most evenings I am not alone PLUS it means that if the weather cooperates, I can drive out to where Jim is because Danny will be home to look after the dogs. (The weather is NOT cooperating today or tomorrow)

As well, there is the consideration that we do not know if there will be any work for Jim after 'break up' (while the frost comes out of the ground). The Oil/Gas industry took a hard hit last fall when our provincial government imposed higher royalty taxes on the oil companies. The tax has been implemented as of January of this year. There will be precious little work being done this summer because the profit margin has been cut so drastically by the tax. We will be lucky if we get 7 - 10 days a month.....which will be good for the garden since Jim loves to garden and I am a reluctant gardener at best. However, we are expecting to NEED the produce over the summer and into the winter with his income being cut so drastically (maybe altogether).

It is this likelihood of no work after March that has kept him working every day since January 2. He could have taken days off, but he wanted as many payable days as possible before there were no more.

It is also this likelihood that makes me hesitate to spend the money on fuel to go as often as I would like. With Dan home, I could spend 2 - 3 nights a week with Jim, but 4 hours driving is expensive - especially since in the winter, I mostly drive my truck rather than my Jetta. It is pretty costly to drive - even with the recent decrease in fuel prices.

All this rambling is to address the fact that I have been struggling with my emotions this past month. The bombshell that I was hit with last Wednesday sure didn't help. I was just getting a handle on feeling lonesome when I got the news I alluded to in my last post. I am struggling with sadness now.

I know where my answers lay......in relationship with my Heavenly Father. He has the answers for all these problems and He offers me peace in the midst of the storm. I only have to reach out to accept it and live in it.

I am thankful for this HOPE....I know I do not need to despair. GOD is our source, not our job....HE is my companion at all times.....HE has the answers for our newest 'problem'. It is this knowledge that keeps me from giving myself an ulcer, worrying.

As for my weight.....I'll keep 'plugging along'....no discouragement there - too many positives to let the numbers on the scale get me down about that!

Thank you for your prayers and your support after yesterday's post. I wish I could share more succinctly, but......those directly involved have asked for privacy - when the answer comes, I'll share the victory!

I am still here

2009-03-03T16:28:00.002-07:00

I know I've been negligent in posting of late.....partly because I haven't felt that I had anything to say that would be of use to anyone - including myself. I've been plodding along, no major challenges regarding food, and just the same old, same old regarding exercise.

Thanks, Lyn, for nudging me to communicate in spite of all that.

I will probably post either a gain or stay the same tomorrow for my weigh in.

There have been no days of indulging or even of 'starving' myself. My biggest problem has been a lack of water intake.

That being said, I have had a very hard week, emotionally.

I hesitate to talk about it because at this point, the 'problem' is private and I have just participated in a blog interview in which I talk about this blog. I do not want someone who may know someone who knows the people involved to read about it here.

Suffice it to say that my heart has been broken (No, not by my Mr Wonderful - he's more wonderful than ever).

The news I was given was something I never expected to recieve regarding someone I love with my life. Then, I had to not tell anyone for 3 whole days. (Jim knew, so I could at least talk to him) But other people who would be affected could not be told immediately.

So, along with the heartbreak (which was on many levels), I was stressed about keeping the secret.

Saturday night I was able to share with my children what was going on, taking away the stress of pretending everything was normal.

Have I ever told you what great kids I have? Their response to the news was nothing but supportive and loving. (Although their hearts were breaking, too) I was SO proud of them! We ended the evening with everyone praying about the situation and for those directly involved. It was powerful. Maybe more so because we don't often pray together - other than at meals.

Sunday and yesterday I was exhausted....probably the release of carrying the load between just my hubby and me.

I gained one pound over this period of time (after getting down to 205.2 early in the week) so at this point, I am about the same as I was last Wednesday. I did not eat to make myself feel better, and I certainly didn't binge or eat a whole lot of chocolate.....except for one day - I had 3 small handfuls of dark chocolate chips (about 80 cal each). No biggie, in my opinion.

Does carrying a heavy emotional burden cause you to gain weight or prevent you from losing weight?

It is still there, never far from my thoughts, my heart feels so heavy and tears are never far from the surface....but life must go on. I am a main support for the person directly involved so I need to be available, strong, wise, and understanding. A big order.

When I can, I will share....for now, if you are a believer, please pray for my family. If you are not a believer, then send me your good thoughts, I appreciate them too.

I will be back tomorrow with my wiegh in report.

PS....I've been reading many of your posts, even if I haven't been commenting. You are all important to me.

Weigh in

2009-02-25T15:49:00.002-07:00

I've had a pretty good week, food wise. I stayed the same wieght every day until this morning when the numbers finally moved down by .6 I'll take it....any movement down is better than staying the same.

I decided to make some changes in my food routine this week. Instead of starting each day with a FF SF yogurt and fruit smoothie, I've been starting with oatmeal (2 carbs). I made this decision simply because I wanted to get back to having oatmeal daily for the heart benefits, but I've found that I do not get hungry a few hours later as I do when I start with a smoothie, which has been a welcome side benefit. I've been having my smoothie later in the day/evening when I tend to crave something sweet anyway.

Also, I've decided that eating the same thing every day is nothing but being lazy - I don't have to think about what to eat and I don't have to do alot of cooking for myself. So, I've also started to have my soup less often and instead make myself a 'real' meal at suppertime - as in, meat, vegetables, and salad. This makes it easier to get all my exchanges 'in' and also beats down those 'munchie' feelings that I sometimes get at night.

In case I haven't mentioned it before, my habit has been:
Smoothie in the morning
Chicken sandwich or salad at lunch
Taco Soup at suppertime
sometimes I'd also have a salad in the evening, if I was hungry

My youngest son is moving back home tomorrow night.....he's been living with his sister and BIL in town but they are moving to a place where they will not have room for him until the end of next month. By then, he will be off to Montana where he will be doing the Discipleship Training School with Youth With A Mission. He will only be home for a month, but by the time he is gone, Jim will be home for an extended period while the oil patch is 'shut down' until the frost is all out of the ground. (While the ground is thawing, heavy equipment cannot be moved on roads or the roads will be damaged....therefore, he will have no work for at least a month - usually longer). Anyway, I say all that to say that I will have someone to cook for most evenings which will help in my own desire to quit being lazy about my meals.

I've been trying to find a way to do all the blog reading and posting that I want to do without taking away from the other 'regular' things of life. It doesn't help that I maintain 3 blogs (see the 'contact me' gadget on the right of my blog for links to my other blogs). So, if I seem to be MIA, it is only that I am trying to find a balance.

Well, that being said, I must tear myself away from here and go do some real work. Also need to call my daughter to check on their progress with packing and moving - and, they had an ultrasound today.....need to check on my growing grandbaby and hopefully find out if it is a he or a she.

Weigh In report

2009-02-18T10:49:00.002-07:00

Just a quick (I hope) report on my weigh in this week.

This morning I weighed in at 207.2 which is a 1.4 loss.

I exercised (of some sort) 4 days this week. My workouts cannot even be termed "workouts" by anyone who is seriously into working out, but I will make a mark on the 'victory' side to just say that I did something 4 out of 7 days this week.

There were no major deviations from my plan this week - except that I have not had enough vegetables (fibre) in the last 2 days. If I had, my weight loss this week likely would have been more.....if you know what I mean.

All in all, a good week!

I do not have much time this morning, so I'll save you from my usual rambling pontifications.

The Mind Game

2009-02-17T00:33:00.002-07:00

What happened last winter that started me on a mostly successful road to healthy eating?

It was a feeling of despair, yes, but more than that, it was a realization that I DESERVED to have a better life than the one I was giving myself. I deserved to be happy with myself.

How did I come to this point?

I’ve been thinking about it….it was not so much how did I get so fat that I was despondent about it – I’d been there many, many times in the past, after all.

I think the process actually started about 3 years before when I finally took my hands off my eyes and admitted to myself just how fat I was.

That is, I wasn’t just whining because I ‘looked so fat and ugly’ – I actually clinically admitted that I was way past overweight – even past fat – and into obese. I admitted to myself that my weight was stealing happiness and experiences from me. I started to use the words fat and obese honestly in regard to myself. Previously, I had been ‘politely’ using words like overweight and heavy or big.

Being the Queen of Procrastination, I had put off actually admitting to myself just how much of a problem my weight really was. I had admitted that my self-hatred was a negative aspect of my life, but I had never really confessed to myself that I was obese. I did not let myself see that my weight affected such basics of my life as sleep, energy, and hygiene.

When I finally used the word ‘fat’ and described my body the way it was, suddenly I was not so defensive and sensitive about anyone else alluding to my problem. It was no longer the elephant in the living room, so to speak.

I wrote about two experiences I had that related to my weight….and I gave those ‘essays’ to some of my kids to read! NEVER had I talked so honestly to anyone about what it felt like to be me in this body. The responses I got were so supportive and understanding, that I suddenly felt free to accept me just as I was. It was as if all those years I had been thinking that no one else noticed how fat I was or how difficult it was to be fat so I had to pretend the problem was much smaller than it was.

The two experiences I wrote about happened within days of each other in the fall of 2005. The blinders had been ripped off my eyes and I was face to face with how big my problem really was. (pun intended) These experiences were painful and humiliating, but they did serve a purpose.

Slowly, as I began to accept the sad truth, I began to try to see myself as others saw me – not the strangers who maybe saw a fat slob, but my family and friends. Many people loved me and, in fact, thought I was quite wonderful. I started to accept their love and appreciation in a new way – which allowed me to begin to actually like myself….ALL of me, not just bits and pieces. I still did not like to be fat, but I started to try not to let that color my relationships or my activities.

I tried to watch what I ate, and not stress about ‘diets’…..I began to learn about nutrition and how to eat healthier….of course, the fact that Jim was told his cholesterol was very high was a big stimulus for that, but I began to benefit as well. I actually lost about 15 pounds – without trying – by the spring of 2007. I had been faithful in walking on my treadmill for about a month before we embarked on a month long road trip through many of the states. I planned our trip to include some sort of hike/walk every day and I took many extra steps in order to get a good photo….often climbing on something or stooping down…..I was more active than I had been in a long time – even though we spent most of our trip sitting in the truck. We even climbed a volcano! I thought I was going to die, but I made it to the top and then back down. I got home from 30 days of eating in restaraunts having lost about 3 pounds. Not bad.

Within a few months, we were unexpectedly moving to Louisiana. There was a lot of stress involved in this move – the biggest being leaving our family behind indefinitely. We lived in our 5th wheel trailer, which, while being large for an RV, is quite small for a house. Jim was gone most days by 6 am and then often worked until 8 pm or even later (like all night) for the first 6 weeks or so. Housework didn’t take long…..I knew no one…..I didn’t have a vehicle for the first month…..I missed my kids and my friends……so I spent a whole lot of time sitting on my butt in front of the computer – it was my main connection to home. I did walk to the grocery store every day, but I got into the habit of buying a chocolate bar on every trip. When I am bored, I tend to eat.

By the time Dec 13 rolled around, we had been down south for about 7 weeks and I had GAINED 5 pounds – in spite of walking more than I had in many years! This is when I decided enough was enough. I actually took stock of all the ways being fat affected my life (well, probably not all of the ways, but many) and I decided that I was worth enough to myself to change things. Getting help was not so much because I did not think I was good enough to be able to do it alone, but because I thought enough of myself by then to do whatever was necessary. Even though I had a hard time believing any plan would work for me, I knew that I was worth the effort.

To sum up…..

first I had to quit pretending I was not as fat as I was – I had to be honest with myself.

Second, I had to accept myself for what I was….fat and all.

Third, I had to admit to others that I knew I was very fat.

Fourth, I had to let all these mind changes simmer for awhile until, to my surprise, I found out that I liked myself enough to make the effort it would take to make real changes in my life.

My weight loss is much slower than I thought it would be, but I’m OK with that…..it is an adventure, really…..I like being surprised by the changes in my body and in my outlook on life – if I lost it all in a year, those surprises would have happened very quickly – and ended quickly too.

One of the reasons I have been pondering this process is because of the exercise issue.

Except when I was going to Curves, exercise has always been something I HAD to do in order to lose weight. My Curves experience was fun…I loved the workout and my gym was very social – the staff kept people talking and having a good time – even while making sure we were working hard.

Unfortunately, going to the gym requires a full hour of driving and a minimum of 45 minutes at the gym – then, because I’m in town, there is always some other errand to take care of so I was spending at least 3 hours every day going to the gym. As well, there were times that I had to consider the price of fuel to drive that much and now, with the future of Jim’s job being very shaky, we have decided that there is no way we can afford for me to begin to go again.

So, I’m back to working out at home……something that has always been a chore – no matter what fancy equipment Jim has purchased for me (at my request.)

I do not want exercise to be a chore….I want to enjoy it, to look forward to it, to crave it. I want to be strong, have endurance. I want to have the increased energy a fit body would give me and, as icing on the cake, I want to look firm, fit, and sexy (or as sexy as an 'almost old' lady can).

How do I get there?

It isn’t going to happen just because I force myself to do something 3 times a week. (I don’t want to have to force it, remember) I might reap the benefits of exercise, but I would still hate it and as soon as something came up to derail the routine (and something always comes up) I would be back to avoiding it.

One of the best tools I used when I began to eat carefully, was visualization…..identifying the things that would change as I began to get smaller. I still do this from time to time - and have the added tool of marking 'milestones' as I call the changes in my life. I pay attention to these things and remind myself often what has changed. (For example, I notice my pearls hanging in an oval instead of a circle - every time I look in the mirror. That always makes me smile)

In the book I am reading, “Does this Clutter Make My Butt Look Fat”, the author repeatedly asks the question “What do you want your life to look like?” This is just a different way of doing exactly what I did before I started to lose weight.

I think this is what I need to do…..identify the things I will get out of incorporating exercise/working out into my everyday life. Identify HOW I can do it, but mostly what differences it will make in my life.

I’ve been flirting with working out for some months now…..I wonder if I am to the point where I am ready for a relationship?

At any rate, I’ve realized that my path to taking the final step toward permanent weight loss took time and that the way to permanent activity/physical fitness will be similar….maybe I’m there, maybe not…but I have a feeling I’m close.

32 years

2009-02-12T15:57:00.003-07:00

Thirty Two years ago today I married my best friend. We were 19 years old and had been dating for 4 years already.

The smartest thing I've ever done.

We are not in the same place for this anniversary (as has often happened in the past, given that February is in the middle of his busiest season) but Mr Wonderful has made me feel as special as if he was bringing home roses and taking me for a fancy supper.

First, he texted me several little love notes first thing this morning......and in the last few minutes, I recieved 3 picture messages on my phone - he had drawn a picture of flowers in a vase and wrote a sweet love note beside it, took photos and sent it to my phone.

He is so romantic.

Weigh In

2009-02-11T12:12:00.003-07:00

OK, I've been putting this off long enough.

I have to report a gain.....a significant gain. 1.6 pounds to be exact. My weight this morning is 208.6.

It could have been worse because yesterday, I weighed in at 211.0 I was mad! And a little confused, until I read back in my food journal.

I eat basically the same things every day......a smoothie for breakfast that takes up all my dairy and fruit for the day, a chicken sandwich for lunch that uses half a protein, 2 carbs and 1 fat, then usually a big bowl of Taco Soup (1 protien, 1 carb, and 2 veggies). I'll usually add a big lettuce salad later on to give me the rest of my veggies and a good bit of fibre and another fat. Sometimes, I will have a regular supper instead of the soup- usually a bison burger on a flatbread bun along with a big salad. Since I am usually eating alone, this routine saves me from thinking about what to eat and also from cooking. Oh, yes....the LA Weight Loss plan includes 2 bars every day. I haven't gone to the center for ages to pick up my bars so I've been using SlimFast bars (200 cal ea) I have 2 of these each day, as well.

These were the differences this week:

1) I had lunch on Friday with 2 of my sons and 1 of my daughters. I ordered a chicken pita with a side salad. There was far more lettuce than chicken on the pita and the dressing was tzatziki so I really did not think it was too far off plan, if at all.

sidenote: It was announced at this meal that I was getting a new grandbaby at the end of September! Yes, Michael and Victoria are pregnant! Kaden will be a big brother. This is grandchild number 8 for us. We are very excited.

2) Jim came home Friday night and was home until Tuesday night. I did not alter my meals on his behalf.....I cooked whatever he wanted for him and ate my usual meals.

3) Sunday, I baked some cookies for Jim to take back to work with him. I ate one cookie after they were baked and had probably 2 or 3 before they went into the oven. Bad, Bad, Bad.

4) Monday I had a hungry day. I just couldn't feel satisfied, no matter what. I was so hungry in the evening I couldn't ignore it. I still had a carb left, so I had 10 Kashi crackers and some salsa. I was still not satisfied, so I had 5 more crackers for another 1/2 carb. I also had two Cadbury Thin Chocolate bars (100 cal ea) As well, I had an extra protein that day because I had soup plus a Bison Burger.

5) Yesterday, I was not hungry and ate normally again - in fact, by bedtime, I still had not had 1 protein, 2 veggies, and 1 carb so I was under for the day. I figured that might balance my hungry day on Monday.

I did not do too bad on water all week.....sometimes even getting in the whole 8 cups but yesterday I only had 1 full bottle of water. (2 cups)

I did not get on the treadmill this week, but I've been doing counter pushups every morning. I am up to 40.

I also did my Pilates Core Fusion DVD one day........I like it. The exercises are simple, but not easy! I think I can get into this. I did 4 of the 5 workouts on Thursday then, as I said, Jim came home. For some reason, I do not want to do any kind of workout in front of him. What is with that? I haven't thought about it enough to analyze my neurosis about this, maybe I'm embarassed at how unfit I am - how clumsily I do the moves - or how much of a contrast there is between me and the instructors on the TV.

When I was standing in line at the bank on Friday, I did some of the Pilates moves that target the thighs and butt (modified so it wasn't obvious).....I am a person of contradictions, for sure.

I was a little sore on Friday and by that night, I was in such pain I had trouble sleeping! Saturday I could barely lower myself to sit on the toilet, my thighs hurt so much. When Jim moved in bed and accidently touched my leg I just about hollered!

This kind of pain is welcome.....it meant that I had really worked my muscles. But it also meant that even if I could get past the silliness of not wanting to exercise 'in front' of my husband, I probably couldn't have. Monday the pain was gone and I should have done it again - but instead, I just spent a quiet day with my hubby - watching all the equipment neccessary for drilling a Coalbed Methane Well move in and set up in the field across the road from us. Since this is our livlihood, we are both quite familiar with the equipment being trucked past our front window. Jim, of course, is intimately familiar and was analyzing how deep the well would be and if it was horizontal or vertical - based on what was going past the house. (I've posted a few photos on my "Project 365" blog if you are interested.)

So, that is my week. I didn't think my few transgressions added up to so many - I should have been looking back in my food journal every day to realize that one day of bad bad bad was being added to another day of not so good. Back to boring but effective for me.....and another shot at the Pilates DVD.

On another personal note....my DIL 'found' this blog and asked me if I was comfortable with her reading it. A few months ago, I may have said no, but now I can honestly say "Welcome, Victoria!" Hopefully, she will leave some comments so y'all can say hi to her. :D My daughter Kathryn and my hubby Jim are the only other family members that I know of that read this blog. (Kathryn posts as 'vinjath' or something like that).

Why I am Fat

2009-02-05T16:41:00.002-07:00

Guess what!? I just learned why people are fat.

Apparently, there was a study done with university students.....it was found that the ones who did "heavy thinking" tended to eat more and were therefore heavier than others.

So there you have it....I'm fat because I'm smart!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. LOL

Weigh In

2009-02-04T11:57:00.002-07:00

Well, it is "Weighty Wednesday" again. LOL

I weighed in this morning at 207.0......a loss of 1.4! Yipee!

I did much better at my water intake this week - meeting my goal of 4 bottles (500 ml each) per day most days.

I did not get on the treadmill even once, however....and I cannot find my workout DVD that uses resistance bands. I can find the bands, but not the DVD. It is not like it would be likely to be anywhere but near a DVD player.......I know when I last used it (when I was in Louisiana) therefore, it should be in the trailer - and the trailer is not that big that there could be many places for it to 'hide'. I wouldn't have lent it out without the bands.......it is a mystery. One that I don't need solved in order to do strength training. I can use the bands without the DVD....goodness knows, there are instructions for exercises everywhere you look. (BTW...MisFit was guest poster on Escape From Obesity today.....she posted a video of simple strength training exercises using bands.....now I really have no excuse!) Also, I got the 'Core Fusion Pilates Plus' DVD that I ordered in the mail last week.

I've never been very good about working out at home - driving half an hour to town and going to Curves worked for me for a long time - and I enjoyed the workout. However, with the downturn in the Oil Patch, we are looking at a very lean spring/summer and have decided to cancel my membership there (not that I've been using it since spring anyway).

So, it is time to be my own gym. I am well equipped to do so....I have a treadmill and an elliptical machine.....resistance bands in 3 tensions.....a DVD that I can find......a DVD somewhere else......a step and the DVD to go with it......the boys even left their weights and bench in the basement when they moved out (just have to clean the basement enough to find them)......so I have no excuse except that I procrastinate and I never seem to have enough hours in my day.

Procrastination is the biggest problem in my life.....all aspects of my life. In this case, I just put off actually exercising until it is really too late or there are other things that are really pressing. Once I get started on a routine, I look forward to it and do not procrastinate...it is just getting going.

Lack of discipline is part of procrastination and I have that in spades as well. For example....if I would go to bed and go to sleep (as in, don't read half the night) before midnight I could get up early enough to start my day with exercise. Morning is when I do best with exercise - it gives me more energy and motivation for the rest of my day.

Sorry for all the rambling....I think best with my fingers and writing out my thoughts solidifies them for me.

All that being said, I now have no morning left since I stayed up too late last night and therefore slept away most of the morning.....I will have to fit all my errands and chores into the afternoon and early evening.

I promise to get on the treadmill today and go to sleep before midnight so I can get up before 8 am and start my day with a workout (after I eat my breakfast).

In spite of spinning my wheels where exercise is concerned, I AM making progress weight wise. I am feeling stronger, smaller, more confident.........I can only imagine how I will feel when I actually reach goal! If I feel so much better about me before I even lose half the weight I want to lose.......what is in store during this next year? It is exciting to think about.

NSV

2009-02-03T11:53:00.002-07:00

No, I haven't fallen off the edge of the planet......just trying to fit more into my days.

I have an NSV to report.

Yesterday, as I went down the basement to put some laundry into the dryer, I was suprised and elated to discover that I was RUNNING DOWN the stairs!!!

I've been running UP the stairs for some months now, but going DOWN has been very slow. I had recently progressed from stopping on each stair to walking down very slowly and carefully.

Suddenly I can RUN down the stairs? Glory Be!

When I was almost 50 pounds heavier, I felt so unbalanced and top heavy that I always felt like I would fall if I didn't take one stair at a time. I was also very aware that if I did ever fall (even just from my feet to the ground) that my extra weight could/would cause extra injury.

Most of the time, I am alone - a half hour from any town. My nearest family member is my sister....they are only 3 miles away, when they are home....but they both work LONG hours so the only time they would be available in an emergency would be later in the evenings or possibly on a Sunday. Because of this fact, I am extra careful not to fall or otherwise cause myself injury. Could be why running down the stairs has been so long in coming.

The thing is, I didn't even think about it! I was half way down the stairs before I even realized what I was doing!

I was as excited about this feat as if I had lost 5 pounds in one week!

Wednesday Weigh In

2009-01-28T09:32:00.003-07:00

I had a fairly successful week - as far as food goes, anyway.

The scale has me DOWN 0.8 lbs so not too bad. That puts me at 208.4.

I was gone 3 days this week - from Wednesday -Friday ...... I am now driving my truck again, Jim is back in his truck, and he has his own gas monitor. The urgent errands should be at an end.....especially considering he will be finished on this well this week and there are no other jobs on the horizon. At least, not that he has been told about.

As to my goals:

Last week I said:

ON THE DAYS I AM HOME, my goals are as follows:

1. drink 8 glasses of water Still did not accomplish this....I used to drink more than my 8 cups/day but fell out of the habit somehow. I am finding it more difficult to re-establish this habit than it was to establish it in the first place. The last 3 days I am getting closer, however.

2. Take my vitamins Only once

3. Use my treadmill for a minimum of 1 mile each day Only once

4. Use a strength/toning DVD twice (if I'm home that much)Not at all

5. Limit my computer time to 30 minute intervals Nope

6. Eat all my exchanges - with no "NO NO's" Did pretty good here

ON THE DAYS I AM NOT HOME.....

1. Drink 5 glasses of water Did great here....5 seems to be easy for me to get in....it is the last two that I miss

2. find a way to walk or exercise....park farther away for example - unless the temp drops to 40 below again. It got real cold again.....I did not go for any walks

3. When I do get to use the computer, limit my time to 30 min. intervals Yes, I did this when I was not home

4. Do my best to eat cleanly and to avoid just not eating because it is easier I did pretty well on this goal, getting most of my exchanges in. I had a Kit Kat Single and a small Cappachinno, but otherwise I ate clean.

I am beginning to get discouraged about setting goals since I never seem to quite accomplish them.

I'm quite happy with my rate of loss, it is consistent and is a result of real changes in my mind and my eating habits. This real change did not happen overnight - just because I wanted it to. The goals I set for changing the way I related to eating and to food were met through a slow process. I guess my exercise/fitness goals will take awhile as well. I've only just begun to get serious about setting exercise goals for myself, so maybe I need to cut myself some slack and just keep on setting that goal out there....sooner or later, it will be met every week. It is no longer an effort to eat clean and keep track of what I'm eating, surely that will happen with exercise too. Won't it?

So, in an attitude of 'faith' I will set goals again for this week.....

1. Daily Water.... 8 cups (or 4 bottles) when I am home. 4 cups (2 bottles) when I am on the road.

2. Vitamins at least every other day

3. Eat on plan (I only put that there so there is at least one thing that I can say I accomplished at this time next week)

4. Treadmill every day.

5. Workout DVD's - at least get them out and watch them (I have 2) to get an idea what to look forward to.

Of course, if I am not home, I cannot do #4 & 5.....but I can look for a way to do something that requires movement - even if it is only shopping. I do not expect to be away from home, however, since it sounds like Jim will be coming home at least for awhile.

6. I have lots of computer/desk work that needs to be done this week....as in, not reading blogs....I am going to make a real effort to get up and at least walk down the hallway every 30 minutes. I will keep track in my daytimer what I do to add movement to my desk work.

So, that is my week gone by and a look at my week to come.

Here's to a better report on my goals next week......

Milestones

2009-01-25T18:54:00.002-07:00

When I first began this journey, last December, I made a list of things that I expected to change in my life. I called them "milestones" to watch for on my journey.

I would like to share these with you now, 13 months and almost 44 pounds later...... my progress is in bold type

- My face looks like me again Getting pretty close, here

- I get a neck still looking for that

- I can reach to wipe This is no longer an issue (sorry for the personal nature of this one)

- My wedding rings fit Been wearing them for several months now – next milestone will be to get them made smaller again

- My necklaces fit haven’t tried to wear any of the ones I was talking about, actually....I tend to wear the same one all the time

- My pearls hang in an oval instead of a circle they tend to creep backward, making them hang in a circle, but when I pull them forward, they are in an oval (I love my pearls)

- I can curl up on the couch – comfortably Hmmm….don’t try this too often so I'm not sure

- I don’t have to sit with my legs spread in order to accommodate my belly not quite there – but at least my legs don’t have to be spread as wide

- I can roll over in bed without a big production still have to lift and roll, but it is not such a big deal anymore - I don't even always wake up to accomplish this

- I can pick something up off the floor without spreading my feet way apart I’m here!

- I can spoon behind my husband yup!

- I can cuddle next to Jim on the couch Getting much more comfortable

- I have a lap for my grandbabies to sit on I can hold both Seth and Kaden on my lap at the same time!

- I am not always bumping into things I've noticed that I’m not bumping into things all the time, but I'm not quite at the milestone where it never happens

- I can walk down stairs without having to think about it I am still very careful about stairs - but that may be just my cautious nature - I am alone most of the time, after all

- I don’t have to lift up my belly to wash under it Still have to lift that thing

- I have to buy a smaller size from size 28 to 20 shirts, size 24 to 18 jeans

- I have to buy smaller sized glasses don’t need glasses yet – but if I did, I’d probably get smaller ones

- I can wear high heels well, not my 5 inchers, but I can comfortably wear my 2 inch heels for the whole day - even if I have to walk alot

- I “fit” in the airplane’s seats haven’t been on an airplane since I went to England in April, and then it was still a problem
-

Now for some more milestones that I have passed but did not think to look for until they happened:

- I can feel the bones in my hip (through my buttocks)
- When I lay on my side, I can feel the curve of my body
- I can feel the bottom of my ribcage
- I can cross my legs if I am sitting in the right kind of chair
- I walk faster - all the time
- I can see the scale without pushing my stomach in
- I don’t hate myself
- I can get down on the floor and play with the babies - and stay there for as long as I want
- I can tie my shoe without using a footstool to put my foot on
- I am satisfied with much less food and do not feel the need to eat when watching a movie
- I am much more confident
- I don't want to cry when someone takes a photo of me

Now some more to look for:

- I can sit on Jim’s lap
- I can cross my legs when sitting in a hard chair
- I can sit Indian style in a chair
- I can easily get out of my small car
- I can run
- I like to see a photo of myself
- My granddaughter tells me I'm not so fat anymore
- I need to resize my wedding rings - smaller

I am sure if I really tried, I could think of more milestones, both reached and still ahead - and as I journey along this path, I'll pass some I did not even know were there.

I did not include several things I looked forward to back in Dec/07 that were of a very personal nature - if you've ever been more than 100 pounds overweight you can probably imagine what they were - but I'd rather you didn't. I only mention this to say that I have passed each one of those very inimate milestones. These were the things that caused the most despair and pain in my life.

The road is long - it is sometimes full of potholes and often under construction, but each milestone passed and acknowledged gives hope and vision for the rest of the road. I think this list was one of the keys to my keeping on, in spite of the slow speed of my travel and the occasional setbacks.

I would recommend a list for yourself - especially if you are just starting out....whether for the first time or the 100th time.

What milestones have you passed lately?
-

It's Wednesday Again

2009-01-21T09:35:00.004-07:00

It has been a busy week.

Looking back at my food journal, I see I was home for ONE day this past seven days - and that was the day I got my nails done in town, meaning that I was gone for the whole morning.

I should have made a note of the mileage on my car at the start of the week. I have made note of the kms I've driven on behalf of work....850. I'll be putting another 200 kms on today. That total doesn't count the two times I drove to Edmonton (about 110 kms one way) .... once to babysit Kaden, and once for his birthday party. It also does not account for the 70 or so kms I drive every time I 'go to town'.

I've been very thankful that the temperature has been well above freezing all week, melting the snow and ice that had been on the roads - making highway driving easy. The gravel roads (remember, I live in the country) get to be a bit MORE hazardous when the temp goes above 0 in the daytime....the snow cover on the gravel is thicker than on the highway so it melts slower. It melts during the day but as soon as the temp hits 0 again, we have ice. Anyway, I am not here to talk about weather and road conditions, am I?

I'm here to report in.....my weight this morning, and my goals this week.

Today's weigh in is 209.2. A LOSS of 1.8 lbs. I officially have a 0 as the middle number! Woo Hoo! Less than 10 lbs to go to ONEDERVILLE. Will I feel any different when I weigh 199? Maybe, maybe not....I guess we'll see. BTW....my low weight this week was 208.8 and my high weight was 211 last WI day. I'm quite happy with today's weight and this week's loss.

As for goals......well, like I said, it has been a crazy week.

1. Drink 8 cups of water EVERY DAY Averaged HALF of that. What can I say? I was on the road alot....I don't like to have to stop every half hour to 'get rid' of a bunch of water.

2. Take my vitimins at least 5 days This goal was victim to my 'never being home' life this past week. I did not take vitimins even once!

3. Treadmill a minimum of 1 mile or 30 minutes 5 days Another victim to not being home until I was ready to drop.....I did the treadmill ONCE (last Wednesday). Yesterday, I was babysitting Seth all day. I took him out in the stroller and walked up and down their block 3 times. This was not a mile, I'm sure (I should get a pedometer) and I couldn't walk very fast due to the fact that I went out after the temp had started to go down and what had been water from melting snow earlier in the day had turned to ice on the sidewalk in places.

4. Begin to do toning exercises (at least 2 days) Nope...not at all....didn't even dig out a DVD - although I did order a new one (I only have one, actually). Does getting up and down off the floor to play with my grandson count? How about picking up toys? While Seth slept yesterday, I tidied up their house......lots of picking up. Does that count? Well, probably not, but it didn't hurt, and I was happy to be able to help my daughter out in this way.

5. Be more careful to get all exchanges in before it is too late in the evening Oh man, looking back I did not do as well with this as I thought I did. I did not get all my exchanges in on any day - but I did not try to compensate for that just before bed, either. This goal was victim to not being home, for sure.

On the same subject, I also had more NO NO's this week - for the same reason. Both places I babysat had some real special treats in their fridges. Victoria had mini cheesecakes, left over from a fundraiser she had hosted (tart size cakes) I had 2 of them. Kathryn had some of Lana's homemade coconut chocolates in her fridge. Rob and Lana had forgotten to bring them at Christmas, due to the fact that Lana was preoccupied with a brand new baby and all the physical stuff that goes with being just 4 days post partum and Robert's mind was strained just getting 3 little girls and all the gifts into the van while dealing with the fact that he had a fever and stuffed up head. I missed those chocolates (which are more coconut than chocolate) at Christmas.....I made up for it yesterday and ate 4 of them.

While driving this week, I had 3 of those 'cappachino' drinks that you get out of a machine at the gas stations......I have no idea how many calories is in one of them, but they are pretty sweet so probably alot.

When I get a whole week at home and eat all my exchanges with none of the no-no's, who knows what will happen? Don't hold your breath for me to get a whole week at home, though.

6. continue to train myself to not sit at the computer for more than 30 minutes at a time. Well, this week, either the computer was my main companion because I was sitting in a hotel room waiting for my hubby to get off work or I didn't see it at all until just before I was ready to drop into bed. So when I was on the computer, I don't think I ever limited myself to 30 minutes. I noticed, however, that I was very aware of how long I'd been there.

So, how do I feel about not accomplishing a single goal?

"Whatever" ...... that's how I feel. My life is busy, unpredictable, and full. I would prefer more routine, but what can you do? At this time, I never know what is going to come up next.

A large part of the travel this week has had to do with the fact that my husband's truck broke down in the town he is staying in while at work. He works from long before sunup until well after sundown - therefore, I am the one available to chase after parts, arrange for service, take the truck in........Also, his personal gas monitor needed service (the device he attaches to his chest pocket to detect poison gasses and alert him before they get to fatal concentrations) I needed to drop it off in the city south of us (100 km away) then take him the one they loaned him while his was being fixed so that he would be safe. Today I go pick his fixed monitor up. I will wait to take it to him until I also have to pick up my truck (which will be IF the shop gets his truck fixed). Then, I'll have to take the loaner monitor back to the city.

In deference to the unpredictability of my week, I will make my goals thusly:

ON THE DAYS I AM HOME, my goals are as follows:

1. drink 8 glasses of water

2. Take my vitamins

3. Use my treadmill for a minimum of 1 mile each day

4. Use a strength/toning DVD twice (if I'm home that much)

5. Limit my computer time to 30 minute intervals

6. Eat all my exchanges - with no "NO NO's"

ON THE DAYS I AM NOT HOME.....

1. Drink 5 glasses of water

2. find a way to walk or exercise....park farther away for example - unless the temp drops to 40 below again.

3. When I do get to use the computer, limit my time to 30 min. intervals

4. Do my best to eat cleanly and to avoid just not eating because it is easier

Well, I must go get ready to drive to Red Deer.....to pick up the gas monitor - first, I'll take some time to swallow my vitamins.

It's a Miracle

2009-01-19T22:40:00.004-07:00

I'm not sure when it occured, but something has happened to me and I like it.

For pretty much my entire adult life, I have not liked the way I looked, to make an understatement. Even at 125 lbs I thought I looked awful.

Sure, there have always been certain things I've liked about my looks - my eyes, my hair, my ankles, even my bustline (once upon a time LOL), but overall, I was always disappointed when I looked in the mirror.

Now, I have been blessed with a wonderful man to share my life since I was 19 years old. (actually we were 15 years old when we started dating) No matter what my weight, he has always been generous and genuine with telling me I am pretty. I couldn't begin to count the number of times he has taken me in a hug, given me a kiss, and then turned to the kids and said "Isn't your mother beautiful?" Of course, I felt pretty at those times.

However....and this is a big however......I have just begun to realize that my confidence in the way I looked was always dependant on what others (primarily my Mr. Wonderful) said about me.

In the last many years, since I got near and then past the 200 lb mark, ONLY my hubby could make me feel pretty (and I began to not believe even him).

If my kids told me I looked pretty, for example, I did not believe them...I told myself that they were just saying that because I was their Mom, that they just wanted me to feel good about myself. (I'm talking about when they were teens and adults, not little ones who don't know better)

Any compliments I recieved from anyone other than my man, I always qualified in my head..."Yeah, I look good for a fat chick"...."Yeah, it's a nice outfit, but that is all"......I accepted the love that came with the nice comments, but rejected the comment itself.

And I NEVER complimented myself!

That has changed.

It is a change of miraculous proportions.

OK, there are days that I honestly do not look good....when I put a barrette in my hair, wear no makeup (I'm getting old, ya know...need a little paint to cover the aging), and wear my old, baggy clothes - those are the days that I am just working around the house and not going to see anyone.

BUT most days I actually want to put on a little makeup - just for me, I want my hair to look nice - just for me, I want to wear clothes that fit - just for me.

The biggest miracle of all.......I often feel pretty. I look in the mirror and I'm actually happy with what I see. I do not need to have someone else tell me I look nice in order to feel confident.

When one of my kids or a friend tells me I look good, I can thank them graciously, KNOWING that they are right!

When I walk into a business, I no longer feel like everyone is looking at the fat slob who just walked in.....I walk in confident that people will think I am pleasant looking - or, it just doesn't even occur to me that anyone is forming any kind of opinion at all about how I look.

How did this happen?

I have not even lost half the weight I want to lose.

I have not exercised enough to tone up and firm up.

Previously, when I saw a photo of myself, I wanted to cry - every single one just confirmed my opinion of how awful I looked.

Now, I see a photo of myself and I am surprised that I am still obviously obese but I don't want to cry anymore. (Although I do delete the least flattering ones)

I even like to look in the mirror (most days).

I know what the scale says.....I know what the BMI says......I can see in photos what I really look like.......but for the first time in my memory, I think I look better than I actually do! And I don't need someone to have told me I look good!

I see this as a huge step in finally winning this war with my weight, because it means that I have begun to love ME the way I AM. I've always known that my self hatred was one of my biggest stumbling blocks.

I really hope this lasts.

I'm here

2009-01-15T16:23:00.002-07:00

Just want to let y'all know that although I got a little "behind" on blog reading, I have been catching up - just not leaving comments for expediency sake. I love to read about your victories, your struggles, your epiphanys, your lives....I feel like I know many of you. Certainly, as I've said before, I've been pleasantly surprised at how much a person can really care about someone they have never really met. Anyway, just wanted to let you know I've most likely been 'by', even if I haven't left a 'calling card'.

I've had the afternoon to read the blogs since I am babysitting my second grandson, Kaden. It is his daddy and mommy's 4th anniversary. They are gone for an afternoon/evening of just the two of them - no baby. My third son and his wife will be arriving shortly to take the evening shift.

Jim did not get home last night, but he is hopeful for tonight. We'll see.

And, when I got on the scale this morning.....it read 208.8.....2.2 pounds LESS than yesterday! Go figure.

Weighty Wednesday

2009-01-14T16:01:00.002-07:00

It's everyone's favorite day of the week - no, not Wednesday - Weigh In day.

I'm disappointed to report a .2 gain. I'm not upset about it because there are any number of reasons to 'gain' 2/10 lb. I expect the numbers to be quite a lot less tomorrow.... today's weight of 211.0 is the highest I have been all week. I was down to 209.0 on Monday.... Oh well.

I had a few 'cheats' over the weekend (which was a little on the busy side) and I've been told it actually takes 3 days for indulgences to show up on the scale so I guess I deserve this.

As for my goals of the last week, I wasn't real successful there, either. I wonder if that could be the explaination for a gain rather than a loss? (heavy sarcasm there)

Here's the report:

1. Drink 8 cups water EVERY DAY I failed miserably here.....the most I got in was 6 cups of water (most days)

2. Take my vitamins EVERY DAY I remembered 4 days to take my vitamins. At least that is better than one day!

3. Walk on my treadmil a minimum of 30 minutes 6 out of 7 days Again.....no prize. I walked over a mile 3 days each and for 10 min (1/2 mile) another day. My excuse? Well, really....I was in quite severe pain for the first 3 days of this 'week' (my hip) The day I did 10 minutes I was hurting still, but a little less. 10 minutes was what I could manage. I did notice, however, that my speed is increasing.

4. Do not sit at my computer or my desk for more than 30 minute intervals I am doing much better at this, although time still gets away from me at times. Still, I see lots of improvement here.

5. eat ALL my exchanges each day, making sure to weigh and measure everything Rats! I forgot that I determined to weigh and measure everything.....I didn't - just some things. Looking back, I see that I was lacking in veggies and carbs most days. I haven't had an appetite this week - as in, I don't look forward to preparing and eating a nice meal. Also, I've been satisfied with less than normal. When I look at my food journal just before bed and see that I haven't eatn 2 carbs, I think it is smarter to not eat them than to eat them just before bed. Maybe not, since I didn't lose this week.

6. No unplanned nibbles OK, not so good here. Not real bad, but not so good. Friday I baked cupcakes for Seth's 1st birthday. I licked the bowl and I had one cupcake (iced). Saturday, at the birthday party, I had another cupcake. Then, hubby's truck broke down 2 hours west of home. I had to take him my truck (straight from the birthday party). My youngest son followed me so he could bring me home. When we stopped for fuel, I succumbed to the Dove Dark Chocolates sitting on the counter - I ate all four. Then, Dan wanted to stop at McDonald's before heading home (no other options in this town) I ordered a cheeseburger (the small one) and also ate some of his fries (probably 10). That is my list of "bad girl" food for the past week.

7. Spend 2 afternoons helping my daughter (she has 2 big events this weekend) I visited Kathryn one afternoon and babysat the next afternoon while she went to the doctor. I also baked the cupcakes for Seth's BD party (as I've already stated) so she had a little less to do, I shopped for her for some nutritious snacks that she might be able to eat. She is pregnant and suffers from Hypermesis Gravadum.....literally constant nauseau and inability to eat - not good for her or baby......if she starts to vomit she cannot stop and ends up in hospital on an IV. In fact, after the birthday party she ended up in hospital. Oh yes, I and DIL Victoria cleaned up after the party for her. Because she was in the hospital on sunday, she was unable to participate in the second event she was scheduled for.

8. Help out my daughter in law at least one afternoon I picked up my granddaughters on Tuesday afternoon and kept them until Wednesday afternoon so that Lana could get some rest and maybe get caught up on housework. She has a newborn (3 wks old) and was sick with Mastitis last week. In fact, someone in their house has been sick since Titus was born!

9. Finish the reorganization and de cluttering of my office/art room and my kitchen I bit off more than I could chew with this goal. I did make good progress on my office though. There were a few unexpected activities come up that kept me from getting more done.....

10. Formulate my plans for increasing my health and fitness over the next year Nope, didn't do it....again, several things 'came up' that were urgent and some things just have to take a back burner. I have a general plan for the next year, I've only not taken the time to 'flesh it out'.

Whew! I'm glad that's over! I think I'll make few goals this week so I don't have to report so many things that I didn't accomplish.

Besides being in pain at the beginning of the week, having 3 or 4 different 'emergencies' come up, (really nothing new there - it is par for the course around here) and having a dog that needed nursing, I have been singularly UNmotivated.

This lack of motivation - or boredom maybe, was really bothering me. I think I have realized what the problem is......I got used to having Jim home for 2 weeks every 2 weeks - a routine that kept me motivated. When I knew he would be home in X number of days, I was motivated to finish a project so it was out of the way when he was home. NOW, I have no idea when he will be home and since no one else is around, there is no real motivation to go beyond keeping things picked up.

Maybe the Post Christmas Letdown has something to do with it, as well. Maybe it is the fact that my Christmas tree is still in the living room - undecorated, but I cannot take it downstairs on my own (it requires 2 strong people) and there has been no one out here since Christmas.

BUT.....today has been pretty good. I have gotten quite a lot of work done, eaten well, and have supper planned. There is even a slim chance that Jim will be able to come home for the night. A very slim chance.

Oh....goals for this coming week:

1. Drink 8 cups of water EVERY DAY

2. Take my vitimins at least 5 days

3. Treadmill a minimum of 1 mile or 30 minutes 5 days

4. Begin to do toning exercises (at least 2 days)

5. Be more careful to get all exchanges in before it is too late in the evening

6. continue to train myself to not sit at the computer for more than 30 minutes at a time.

I won't burden you with my household and family goals this time.

BIG NEWS - not weight related

2009-01-11T10:22:00.003-07:00

A few months back, I posted about "Bustin' My Buttons" when my son-in-law, Vinjelu, won a national talent search for "best song".

He and Kathryn (my daughter) have performed a few times since then, including hosting a benefit concert last month. You can read about that event here, if you are interested.

Next big news in this journey.....their winning song is now available on itunes.

Here's how to get it:

Go to itunes.....(you do not have to have an ipod in order to use itunes, BTW...it is a great way to store, sort, and listen to your music on your computer)

In the search bar, type in "Weeping"

A surprising number of items will come up with the same title, so go to "power search" and type in "Weeping" for Song Title and "Another Way" for Artist.

Next, click on "buy song"....it is only 99 cents.....and follow the instructions to have it downloaded to your computer.

Once finished, take a listen.....It starts with Kathryn singing "Weeping might endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning...." If that is not what you downloaded, you got the wrong song.

The song is a combination of lyrical and hip hop, just so you know ahead of time.

Vinjelu and Kathryn’s heart is to address issues of social justice, using music as a platform to bring awareness to global issues. They also bring a message of hope and the wealth of walking with God. Vinjelu’s lyrics touch deep in the soul - I have read many of his songs and there has't been one that hasn't touched me - and I'm not just speaking out of parental pride.....really.

Even if 'hip hop' isn't your usual genre, Vinj is pretty clear in his raps - realtively easy to understand - even for my untrained ear - and Kathryn's melodies are straightforward.

They are SO excited to have taken this step......getting a song recorded and 'mastered' so that it is of good enough technical quality for itunes to accept it was a huge step!

Can you tell I'm proud of them?